Question:

Long poem I wrote today; any good?

by  |  earlier

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Be Positive...

They feed us with pills

When we don't even ask

They help our ills

Get well is the task

We don't fit in

Medication stops strife

They say it is us

Something wrong with our life

But what if it's them

And their messed up society

Drunken weekends

Hardly ever sobriety

Heavy work week

With partners they seek

A slice of the pie

They try not to cry

And questions may rise

In their love-struck eyes

Isn't something missing

That thought soon replaced

By dating and kissing

As long as the cogs of machinery turn

All must be well

Nothing else need they learn

The spirit suppressed

By material gain

Anything else could be seen as insane

Unless they become us

And their friends whom they trust

Turn away and declare

With an absent stare

You are not well

Go straight to h**l

So now you are us

Sell the car

Catch the bus

Forget your lover

She won't understand

No longer will you hold her hand

Get ready for despair

And people who don't care

Loneliness is home for you

Just what on earth is one to do

The world will change

As far as you know

Your old friend

May become your foe

How can one cope

While poisoned with dope

Legal highs

Heavy sighs

Broken keys

Hateful enemies

The best thing, I say, trust in God

Whether Teddy Rocker Punk or Mod

Or something else

There are so many

Just don't get killed like Kenny

There's another life

Apart from this one

It's spiritual and perfect

With a blazing sun

Never to set

Unless you wish so

Sometimes stars shine

With the sun low

It waits for you

While you are awake

You get there by sleeping

This dream's not a fake

Hope is it's name

There are others too

No one is old

Everything is new

There are no adults

Only children who play

There is no danger

Nothing evil to say

There is no school

For that makes you grow

All is cool

With nothing to know

So good luck for your plight

Wrong or right

Material or not

Even world forgot

All I ask is that one day you'll remember

The place with no September

No fall

No crowded shopping mall

No paranoia in paradise

No naughty

Just nice

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7 ANSWERS


  1. Very long. Shorten it up a bit to make it a readable poem or turn it into a song. It's good though.


  2. dreadful

  3. yikes

  4. very good but there is way too much in this poem, the best thing to do is split the poem into two or three separate  works and the message would remain clear in all three.


  5. Good but must admit a bit long and drawn out , the point was made in the first few lines , then it just became repetitive , sorry  

  6. its really good so dont listen to what anyone says. i have had loads of poems published and l love reading different poetry. you should submit it to forward press.co.uk and although it may be a little long they may  publish it. great work.  

  7. it sucks

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