Looking for parents who have put they're child up for adoption and people who were put up for adoption?

Question

Okay so the deal is i think i may be pregnant i find out tomorrow I want to keep it but my boyfriend of over a year and a half does not want a child Im young, 17 years young, i honestly think i can do it but my boyfriend (almost 20) says its going to ruin his life. I love him and dont want to do that to him and i dont want to lose him but im not sure how i can cope with all of this.

Parents: How did you cope with putting your child up for adoption, how did you feel seeing your child then well not letting it go but yeah.. and any aditional details.

People who were adopted/put up for adoption: How do you currently feel about your birth parent(s), how did you used to feel about them, do you wish that you knew your birth parents, are you angry any aditional details.

So basically im looking for advice, and answers please help. I dont want to make the wrong decision and regret it later. If i decide to keep it (we talked before and got in a HUGE fight over it) how can i get

Answer 1

I was adopted when I was 3 years old and my sister who thankfully was adopted with me was 6.Because I was so young it didn't really effect me to the since where I was angry at my birth mother or my adoptive parents.My sister on the other hand was and is still very angry. On another subject though, I had a baby 2 years ago the father was not ready to be a father or was he mature enough to be one.I am now raising her on my own and the both of us are doing just fine.If you think you cant handle or raise a baby then I say yes put up the baby for adoption give the child the chance but if you are doing this so you wont lose your boyfriend or ruin his life, how far is that to the baby or you ,all because some one else cant do it.You are young don't do something you will hate yourself or your boyfriend for.I say if you can do this and raise a baby then you should do it.

Answer 2

I'm adopted.  I've always known I was adopted.  I met my birthmom when I was 16, and my birthdad when I was 18.

I am very happy that I was put up for adoption.  I had a wonderful life with loving parents.  My birth mom got an education and a great job.  If she had kept me, she would have struggled.  I now have 2 wonderful half sisters that I am very close to.  In my case, I'd say things worked out quite well.

Giving up your baby so that they can have a better life is probably the most selfless (the opposite of selfish) thing you will ever do.  You will cry, it will break your heart, you will think about him/her and what could have been all the time.  If you keep him/her, you will wonder what your life would have been like if you had opted for adoption.  No matter what you decide, sometimes you will regret your decision, sometimes you will be thankful for whatever you did.  There is no right or wrong answer.  As you have likely discovered, this is an extremely difficult decision to make.  

I wish you and your baby well.  As for your boyfriend, he is equally responsible for getting you into this position.  He needs to either take some responsibility, or you need to resign yourself to the fact that you will likely have to raise this baby on your own.  If he doesn't have a magical epiphany and start supporting you, I'd get rid of him.  This is probably the most difficult thing you will ever have to deal with (I'm sorry you have to do it at such a young age).  If your man is not going to be there for you in difficult times, what good is he?  I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's likely pretty accurate.

Answer 3

Nothing wrong with including him in the decision making process, but you are more affected than he is simply because you're the one who will be carrying the baby...and if you chose to parent the baby, you'll be in the trenches...if you choose to make an adoption plan, you'll be the one to carry more of that emotionally, I believe.

The time for him to be thinking about whether or not to be brining a baby into the world would have been BEFORE he slept with a 17 year old.  That is just my opinion, though.

Ok, now onto your situation.  Go and get the test done to find out whether or not this is even an issue.

If you're pregnant & you can provide for the child then begin to make plans to be the parent that the child needs, with or without your boyfriend's help (btw, if you lose him over this situation, he wasn't worth keeping around; again, just my opinion).  This might include you getting a GED, it might include seeing if you have a friend or relative to watch the baby while you finish school.  Finishing school in some form or fashion, though, is imperative.  Don't neglect this.  After you're done with school you can find a job to pay the bills.  It will be a difficult road filled with sacrifices...but you won't have sacrificed being this child's mom.

Now...if you decide that you aren't able to be the parent that the child needs, then look toward making an adoption plan.  Contact a lawyer or agency (don't answer ads here or elsewhere, you never know what might happen).  Make appointments with several, interview them, ask for references, call those references & see how people feel about having worked with them and if they'd work with them again if the situation warranted.  Also, check online to see if you can find folks who aren't on the reference list, ask them the same questions.  Select the right agency or attorney & move on from there.

From there, you can decide how open you want the adoption to be.  It can be closed where you have no contact whatsoever.  It can be open where you have regular contact with the child and adoptive family.  It can be anywhere in between -- including some visits, annual pictures and updates or whatever fits your needs and the child's needs the best.  YOU get to decide how open you want the adoption to be.  Consider what is best for the child & make your decision.

I am the mom to two adopted girls and one foster girl (and two biological sons).  My foster daughter has regular contact with her birth mother and birth aunt.  It's been a good thing for her to maintain that connection.  My adopted daughters were adopted internationally, so they can't maintain a relationship with their birth family.  While the adoption was a positive thing for them, they grieve the loss of their birth family & it's something that hurts me to see them go through.

I hope this helps!

Answer 4

having a kid at your age will rune your life and kill your relathonsship  adoption is a good idea 4 you and the baby thare meny ppl that are verry ready to have a kid mutch more so than a 17 year old

Answer 5

I recently met my bio dad.  You can consider me pretentious if you want but I think I was much better off with things happening the way that they did.

He's an ok guy, but after having a fairly good life with many privileges, I know that by going this way I saw things I simply NEVER WOULD HAVE.  I've lived in 7 different places around the US and the UK (5 before college).  Plus have received a degree from a good school b/c my adoptive parents already had a college fund set aside by my adoptive grandparents.  I actually feel that I'm probably better off than either of my bio parents right now.

Any couple willing to go and get a baby is already prepared to take care of it if they are able to get through the entire adoption process (which is actually a lot of work, sometimes taking years for them).  They have their finances straight, and are more than likely on the level everywhere else.  This is even more true if they've been trying to have a baby naturally since they would have been already investing time and energy in the process.

The only study that I'm aware of that had anything to say about adopted kids having problems was concerning guys when they start dating.  They have intimacy issues or trust issues (first hand: yes it happens), but we're still better off.

Keeping the kid can be done, but the initial cost and maintenance of a child is hard to keep up with at your age.  I'm 23 and would not want a child for at least another 4-5 years!  Think about how much it costs to feed yourself, plus health, schooling, travel, entertainment, and housing (heck I know I'm missing tons in that list).  Those things cost plenty and I know people that scrimp already without even having ANY kids.  Two people can love each other dearly and do it, but it will be hard for many many years without major windfalls in the careers of the parents.  I know a guy from school whose parents married, and the first son was sitting in the first row facing the altar.  He always seemed strained to me, and his father didn't help being a fundamentalist.

The only way it can work in my mind is if you both want to keep it.  He has to want it, and not simply be appeasing somebody else.  I do not know how to give advice on that, but "convincing" him won't work.  If you both WANT that life then your child can turn out well.  Just to doubly underline this: these are emotions I'm talking about, and not the logistical nature of the situation (like how much cash you have).  Two rich people could certainly have a kid, but if they don't both want it then it won't be well off, trust me I know.  Don't let the kid be a trap to keep him ensnared to you.

As for continuing to date him, I can not say things will work.  It's a major change to work through.  Don't let your anger show, be warm and accepting so that if he comes you will be the same as if he had decided to leave.  Letting anger keep your heart will hurt you and him.  My bio parents actually still enjoy speaking to one another, but are married to other people.

If you decide that it's better for everyone to share your child's joy with others then don't worry.  If you both want a life physically close to your child then don't worry.

They will turn out fine. :)

Answer 6

Well, look at this way. Your boyfriend may or may not be the person you spend the rest of your life with. I can't name a single person (outiside my parents and grandparents generation) who married or spent a life with the boyfriend or girlfriend they had at 17....so chances are he is temporary. I know you love him but be realistic for your own sake as well as your child's.

Once you are a mother, you are a mother forever...whether you are raising that child or not.

Try to imagine life in 5 years, 10 years. How would you feel if you are no longer with this man, and you are no longer with your child?

Read this blog, http://paragraphein.wordpress.com/, and some of the ones she links to by mothers who relinquished. Also read www.openadoptioninsight.org

All that being said, if you think placing is best for the child, and best for you that's one thing...doing it to please your boyfriend is another. I don't want you to live a life of regret either way.

Answer 7

I has adopted when I was about 9 mths old. Both of my parents were into heavy drugs and couldn't take care of me anymore. I am 26 now and absolutly know it was the best thing for me - my life was so much better becuase I had 2 wonderful parents that raised me. When I was younger I did get upset a few times wondering why she didn't keep me - but since I was in a loving home it didn't really matter. I met my birthmother 7 years ago and we are very good friends. She is a good person, who made a lot of mistakes. I actually have 3 brothers that live her, so I am so happy I found her. Not everyone will feel the same as me. My adopted brother has no desire to meet any of his bioligical family - he doesn't think they are really family. He had some abuse when he was small and wasn't adopted until he was 2.