Looking for some good parenting advice. How to deal with an out-of-control 11 year old girl....?

Question

I consider myself a good parent. I put them first, teach them right from wrong, praise them when they do good and dicipline them when they do bad. I give them my unconditional love and time, and I look out for their spiritual well-being. The problem is, over the last year, I have lost control over my oldest daughter. She used to be such a good girl. She always cared about other people's feelings and tried to do right whenever possible. She got along with her friends and when things were bothering her, she was never afraid to talk to me about the issues. Now, she's 11 and it's quite different. She lies about the smallest and dumbest things. She's disrespectful to not only me, but her sisters, friends, and other adults as well. She's begun to get physical with her 4 year old sister at times with shoving and hitting. She have terrible fits of jealousy over everything her sisters and friends have. I have to tell her things 10 times before she listens, and she just has a bad attitude all the time. I try talking to her about this nearly every day. I keep asking her why she is being like this and she never has an answer. She's driving her "good" friends away because they don't want to be around her anymore and I'm concerned that she will get hooked up with the wrong group of kids because of this which will only make things so much worse.

A little background about the home environment. I'm a single Dad, but she's this way with her Mom too. She's had jealously fits since her 4 year old sister was born. To make a long story short, the spotlight was taken away from her at age 7 when she lost the only child status. There is little yelling......only when it's called for (try to keep a calm house), T.V. programs are filtered by myself and my ex. Nothing is watched if it's over PG. She gets as much attention as we can give her (she also has a 15 mo. old sister), and she is constantly told how much she is loved and cared for. When she gets in these swings of bad behavior, there is no backing down from her. She never wins. So I'm now curious....why does she do this? Any good advice as to how to handle this would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

she is acting like a spoiled 5 year old.  i say paddle her bottom !! it will only take 1 or 2 times before she gets the point that her behavior is not acceptable , and you will get to the ..bottom.. of things one way or another !!! if i had done that , my dad or mom would have had my bottom in a heartbeat !!  according to my dad , under 15..if you need a spanking , you will get it !!  

Answer 2

WOW! I do know part of it probably has to do with the fact you and her mom are not together. The other part has to do with the baby sister. In my house, we have a 12 and 4 year old girls. the older one gets an attitude with the little one, and she's always getting in trouble. I am trying really hard to get away  from saying the little one is little and cute and the big one should be a role model. Perhaps she feels there is alot of pressure on her to be the good girl and the little one gets all the attention, even if its negative attention. And your 11 year old-it sounds like that's what she's doing. Are freinds allowed to come over? Is she allowed to go to friend's house, Do you or her mother ever get to do things with just the 11 year old without the 4 year old the baby in the way. Sometimes they need the individual. When my daughter was born, i felt like the older one was older than what she really was. fact is she was just 7 and now she's 12 but in a way she's still a little child. Try doing things by yourself with just her. Discipline the little one when she does something wrong. Watch TV with her, take her out. If she doesn't do anything wrong, don't bring it up. Don' be a constant reminder of how disappointed you are in her. She is also going through the pre-teen/teen hormonal thing. My daughter did from about 8-10 and then it jsut stopped.  

Answer 3

okay, about the therapist- ask her if she wants to go. If she says no, don't force her. My parents took me to see a therapist and after a few sessions I said I did not want to go anymore. Telling things to a total stranger just did not cut it for me. A few months later they wanted me to see 'someone more qualified' (I wasn't bad, there was just a really big family tragedy and they were worried.) It caused some rifts between my parents and I because I needed a different healing process and they weren't letting me have it  . . .So if she says no, don't force her.

It sounds like your an awesome dad. She's probably has some hormones since she is at that age  . . .(not taking her side) but I have two solutions for you-

I always thought I was an angry person because I had all this energy inside me and did not know what to do with it. That energy decided to come out in the form of fustration and anger. In my teenage years, I got more active, exercised a bunch, got involved with clubs and that anger subsided substantially and I was that 'darling angel' again.

So get her involved in something. If she likes reading so much, get her involved in a book club. She might even be able to volunteer at the library. The worst thing having responsibilities or activities like that are going to do are make her feel better about herself and make more responsible.

Also, i remember being eleven- actually, I remember all my p*****n years, and I hated every single one of them. This is embarrasing to admit but even at eleven I was teased by my closest friends (lovingly, though, b/c we were pratically sistas) that i was developing later than them . . .in the chest area. Puberty happens between the ages of 9(d**n early) to 14 (about the time I did, cause I was late. Most of my grade was done by age twelve) and teasing during this age is at its worst. She might be getting teased at school and feeling self-concious about it. During this age, everything is free game whether the joke is sexual, about the amount the make-up she wears whethers is none to a lot, her weight whether she's skinny or fat, her intelligence (especially if she's book smart), her height. Anything about her is fair game for the pre-teen bully. I know I never told my parents how much I was made fun of. It was just a weakness I wasn't going to show.

And a third peice of insight is her and her siblings. There is a large amount of years between my siblings and I as well. It was frustrating bonding with them until I was a teenager and they were adults because the age difference. that and it could be embarrassing sometimes to have a sibling that about ten years younger than you. (that's another thing to get teased about and its one of the worst because now it's not just about you but your family as well. Also, if these siblings are her step-sisters or her half-siblings, that can be even worse because the teasing gets worse and I had my own cousins telling me my half-brothers were not my full or my real brothers and it did get to me some, even though it is clearly established in my family that we are a family)

I hope this helpful and not too depressing- or embarrassing.  

Answer 4

    Have you had her seen by a therapist?  This sudden turn about is an indication of Asperger's Syndrome, but then again, she might just be jealous of her younger sisters.  It will take a trained therpist to make this determination.  Asperberger's is controllable, but the sooner you start, the better.

Answer 5

11 is NOT to old for a spanking! You can choose to do it now, or wish you've done it when she's a teenager. I have an 11 year old daughter, and I wouldn't hesitate to use spanking if it's called for. May be sit down and explain to her that rules and punishments are going to change for her, and that when she crosses the line she will be spanked. For an 11 year old, I would recommend a minimum one spank per year of her life (11) on the bare skin of the bottom.  Spanking has been the cure all for generations upon generations.

You sound like a caring father. Just remember you as the father need to be the stern one.

Best of luck to you

Answer 6

First of all I want you to know that in no way am I judging you.  Sounds like you are doing way too much talking.  Tell her once, maybe twice and then take away the privilege that would make the biggest impact on her.  It could be a cell phone or a program that she likes to watch.  It is different with all children.  I had four and it varied from child to child...usually the telephone is the biggest thing with all girls.

Answer 7

i think shes just growing up, with puberty and everything, honestly maybe she needs some space but make sure she knows shes welcome and that and you love her. ask her to help out with the 15 month old and keep encouraging her that shes a big help.

Answer 8

There are 4 reasons children misbehave, attention, belonging, power and revenge.

You already identified the problem so it shouldn't be too hard for you to "fix" the situation!

Spend extra time with her and make her feel special. Instead of punishing her, try redirecting her behavior by reinforcing the good behavior and ignoring the bad.

It'll get worse before it gets better, but it's true and it does work!

I know you'll think if I don't punish her for her bad behavior she'll just keep doing it. Not so, if the behavior doesn't have the desired effect she'll stop!!!

She's probably also angry about your divorce. That's a whole different story!!!

Answer 9

It sounds like you are already doing all the right things.  Just hold on to your patience and your will to maintain consistent discipline.  You know, your description of your daughter could be of me at age 11.  I was a good kid who went through a wretchedly grumpy phase around that same age.  In hindsight, it was the onset of pre-adolescent hormones--I was an early bloomer.  Remember that she might be having new, strong, and confusing feelings that she doesn't understand how to handle yet, but she is still the same "sweet girl" inside.  This may just be a regular part of the process of growing up.

Answer 10

Hate to say it but it's just her age. My oldest is 12 and she acts the same way. Her brother is 5 now and when he was a baby up to about age 4 she would act like he was hers. Now it's different. More attitude, yelling at him, hitting him, just straight up grrrr wanna slap her at times. One thing on myside that is not on urs is that I am mom, I can relate more to the whole b*tch thing ( not say I am one) u know when girls hit that certain age their bodies change. The first thing to change b4 the actually get their period (scary) is their attitude. The lovely mood swings that come w/ it all! Basically u need to just keep taking things from her til she can learn how to act an treat people. Sooner or later when she has nothing her attitude will change! I would snatch my daughters cell phone, no myspace and what ever else she enjoyed... Oh her attitude has changed cuz she didn't like that much... but every now and then she does get the attitude back. I ignore her and just tell her to throw her fit in her room!!

The sad thing is man if we're having the trouble now good god we are in for a world of hurt haha!!