Losing sleep! Please read and offer your advice

Question

I'm 22 and I'm in a relationship with a 29 year old. We've been dating for almost 6 months and we've very happy together. The only thing that makes the relationship difficult is that she has two children. It's not that I don't like her kids or that they don't like me, but I'm just not at the point in my life where I want to be around kids too much. Of course, I've talked about this with her and she has no intention of making me an integral part of their lives; although we do stuff all together some times, most of the time it's just me and her.

This really didn't bother me too much until she told me the story about how she got pregnant with her first child. She said that before, she never wanted to have kids. When she was 18 she went to get her tubes tied but they refused to perform the operation saying she was too young. When she got pregnant (because she didn't renew her shot for 3 weeks from not being able to get time off work) she tried everything she could to avoid the pregnancy. She attempted to get plan b, but was denied because at the time you needed a prescription, and in the 72 hour time frame she had to take the pill she wasn't able to get time off work to see a doctor. So she basically had no choice but to get an abortion and she was going to, but her sister managed to talk her out of it.

Now, don't get me wrong she's a very happy mother of 2 wonderful kids now, but this whole thing still bothers me.. Maybe it's the part of me that, deep down inside, wishes she didn't have kids. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish that sometimes. But I also have a great deal of resentment against her sister because she imposed her beliefs on her and convinced her not to get the abortion. I don't see how anyone, be it her sister or not, has the right to make that decision for someone, especially if that person was so opposed to ever having kids in the first place.. I just don't see how she could have been so selfish as to make such a life-changing decision for her sister like that.

I don't know, like I said I know what's done is done and it's selfish of me to wish she didn't have kids. Just knowing that she's happy now should be enough for me. But I still can't get this whole thing out of my head; it's been at least 4 months since she told me all this and I still lose sleep over it sometimes. I just thought I'd share it and perhaps someone on here could give me some insight to help me sort it all out.

Answer 1

Hi

my friend took on her husbands two children - she was about 21, he was much older. she's never liked kids although she has never been vocal and she is fond of her stepchildren. but even now almost 7 years later and she still resents them in her life. she loves her husband, and she knows that she's selfish and we've all said to her But you KNEW.... but she's never really fully embraced them

so now its really time for you to decide if you have a future with this woman or not because if you don't want them. you can't have her

Answer 2

what 47 said is right if it the children thats bothering you then you have to end it, it will get worse and worse for you if you dont talk to her and end it.

hope i helped

  

Answer 3

The kids bother you, so it's time to go.

Simple as that.

Please don't drag it out or make it much more painful later on when you finally admit the fact that she has kids has been driving you nuts for a long time.

Just a good way to wind up really really bitter.  

Answer 4

She's using you has her " BOY TOY" ! give you head a shake young man, Yeah I mean the one on your sholders ! You, nore anybody else can change the past, whats done is done. You say she blames her sitter...Give your head a shake again !  Your girlfriend, was old enough to get pregant at 18, but not old enough to make up her own mine ! She should probably blames herself instead of her sistier. Maybe its time she take some Personal Responciblity for her own acttions and sexual behaviour, don't you think? Blaming others for your own problems is just another way to NOT accept our wrong doings, and point the blame onto somebody else.

Answer 5

well if you want her you get the kids...pretty sure non negotiable there...in for a penny in for a pound.

Answer 6

This is a tough problem. It's true that what's in the past is past. A feeling like yours could be a dangerous one... for your relationship with the mother. Just let the relationship continue as best you can. If the children become more of a part of your life, you may have to deal with it. But it's my belief that it would probably be worth it.

Answer 7

No offence, i respect what your saying, but why do you resent her sister for talking her out of the abortion? if she is a very happy mother and couldn't live without her kids then why would you think that? if you loved her that thought wouldn't enter your mind.  Also if you are having thoughts like this then think its time to move on and find yourself a child free woman, you are only 22 so maybe you are not ready to play daddy to someone else's kids, so have a good think about what you really want.

Answer 8

honestly,do you think her sister care less about her when compared to you? i don't think so. not every one is able to bear the pressure and experience of undergoing abortion. it is not as simple as you think. some may freak out for the rest of their life. and a lady who underwent abortion is generally very very weak.

if you mind having kids this early, let her know. the first thing that you could not get off your chest and mind, is that deep down, you are not okay knowing how she got pregnant with other guy and what she experienced. This happen because you love her dearly. no longer that perfect isn't?

having kids around now is only part of the problem. get over the feeling of her being imperfect. after all no one is. either you forget it or forget her.