Hi Karie
I had tears in my eyes reading this. My situation and gripes are so similar to yours. I lost my mother 5 months ago and have continually beaten myself up with what ifs and shoulda coulda would'ves.
I also remember my mother being a caring, loving woman when i was a young child. She made everything magical. Then she divorced my father and over the period of 20 years got into 2 alcohol fuelled marriages. She started drinking socially at dinner parties etc, then every night after work and then eventually stopped work in the past few years meaning that she could drink all day if she wanted to. Of course the weekends were always alcohol fuelled.
How and when it all happened seems very hazy. I am now 25. Looking back on it i think i was about 10 when i started to realise that the amount she drank wasn't usual. Once i had reached puberty, her attitude towards me changed. I became a problem. On the outside she wanted to appear the good mother, she liked to show me off at music concerts i performed in etc, but as soon as we were at home i was the enemy and nothing i did was good enough. She created issues as an excuse for why she drank and then because this angered me and i retaliated she hit out at me, physically and emotionally. She even accused me of sleeping with my step father because we tried to confide in each other. He was the only person i had to talk to and she wouldn't even alow me that comfort. The emotional bullying still haunts me to this day.
One day she could be loving, even a friend to a teenage daughter. I held on to these days tightly knowing that it wouldn't last. Eventually at 21 i became extremely depressed. God knows how i lasted that long, but i found somewhere else to be and told myself i didn't need her, after all my brothers had done the same, but i couldn't shake her off. I would lye awake at night crying, wondering if she was ok. She acted like she hated me, harrassing me with nasty phone calls, telling me she wished i had never been born, but i needed her and i kept telling myself that she needed me too.
A year later my father became very ill, i was with him in the hospital everyday and convinced me that if i could do that then surely i could do the same for mum. When he was recovering i asked mum to ask me for help. Of course she shrugged it off, but a few weeks later she phoned and uttered the three words i had been waiting to hear "i need help". I put her in hospital that day. It was awful to watch her come down, i felt guilty for it, but she came out the other side and we went to councilling together.
I still had an idea that she may be having a little drink everyday. a few months later i found her drinking during the day on a surprise visit. I gave up and walked out. After all i had done!
She ended up in hospital on and off with liver problems etc, 2 failed suicide attempts by overdose. The whole time this was going on i beat myself up for not helping her.
In May this year she entered hospital again with liver damage. My nan (her mum) at the time kept pressing me to go and see her saying that she really wasn't well. Of course i had seen it all before and couldn't bring myself to go. However during her time in hospital i was having an operation and during my recovery time i found myself heading up to her ward. I was shocked and stunned at what i saw, she looked so old and weak. I felt for her, but i also felt the usual uncomfortable feelings. I hugged her goodbye. She asked for me to come back again, but i didn't.
2 weeks later i received a phone call from my nan saying that she was in intensive care. While in hospital she had caught a bacterial infection and her body was too weak to fight it. I spent a week by her bedside, holding her hand and praying that she could hear me. I still found myself apologizing to her, after all the hurtful mind games she had played with me. It was only once she had passed away in front of me that i started to grieve. The problem is every time i cry i get annoyed at myself for crying over her.
I am still crying a lot, and i think about her all the time. I am sorry for the long essay, its just i can't confide in a lot of people, they just don't understand.
I hope you find some peace in knowing there is someone out there who understands how you feel.
Thanks
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