Lost Control?

Question

Heart speeds

Body temperature is incresed

Muscles shake

Lost control

Words are fake

Images are transparent

Nothing is real

Lost control

Black pants

Blue shirt

Shiny Badge

Forever sad

One person

Not paying attention

Did this.

Forever mad

Thoughts race through my head

Hiding under covers

Punching my bed

Lost control

Answer 1

I think you could make this more intense by keeping it in the present tense and tweaking it a little.....

Heart racing

Body heat rising

Muscles shaking

Losing control.

Words fake

Images transparent

Nothing is real

Losing control

Then finish up with "Lost control" for the last line, giving it more punch.

Just my two humble cents.

Answer 2

I agree with some of what AMY G said, but I think that her example still isn't quite as good as this could be.

I agree that bringing the words into the present tense will help. One thing you will want to try and avoid though is phrases such as "words are fake/ images are transparent/ nothing is real" as this takes away from the poem. Instead of stating that "words are fake" tell us the fake words. Show us the transparent images.

There is clearly so much more that can be told here and it seems that it wants to come out. Once it does, let it and you'll have a much more powerful poem. I know that it might not come out now. It might not come out in a year, but when it does allow it to come.

Answer 3

Some of the words are a little basic for a poem I believe to be emotional. Something needs to be more than the word "mad" and "sad" something more raw. I like the idea just push it a little more

Answer 4

One word:

c**p