Love's string. Please comment on this verse.?

Question

A delicate cord sewn by a daedal taste,

Adorns us both, besides binding us tight

Yet being soft, it has such force and might

Strength that the hideous iron chain has praised

And each time temptations enslave my soul,

And lend me beastly hands to tear that lace

Its silky beauty in a shining grace

Has blinded my ego from aims so foul

Thus this string, like a vital, saving vein

Has fed our hearts with love’s unending blood,

A blood so dark in love’ colour, it’s brought

Us a lively soul, our most precious gain

Answer 1

You meter lays out like this if I got it right

/--///--/-/ 11

-/-/-/-/-/

/-//-/-/-/

//-/-/-//-/ 11

-//-/--/-/

-/-/-/-/-/

/-/-/--/-/

-/-/-/-/-/

/-//-/-/-/

-/-/-/-/-/

-/-/-/-/-/

/-/-/-/-//

You have 5 lines of iambic, and another one close, yet you jump around in the others?  Lines one and four also have 1 extra beat.  If this is intended to be a love poem, I would look to other choices besides 'hideous and beastly.'  Wanton lust can be stated in a more romantic way than beastly.  

How soft, this cord be sewn, a daedal taste

Keep at it, this style that you choose takes much to master.

Answer 2

I like it , but somehow U tend to make lines lengthy. How about :

A delicate cord sewn by faith,

Adorns ...........  daedal taste

I think this way is easier to maintain the flow balance.Any how , U gave a clear picture of Ur thoughts, used poetry devices,kept w/ the main theme of the topic, and that is good.The simile sometimes were not in the (most proper) for the topic (hideous iron chain), (blinded my ego), ( unending blood), (a blood so dark).. that is all.  

I like to read Ur poems, and I think they R more mature than those written by others of Ur age. Its clear that U R trying hard, and IMHO U R on the right track.

Answer 3

not bad, though the comparison (of love toa string) seem to me to be borrowed from another pieace of poetry I once read somewhere (I'm not certain where I had read it, though)!

Answer 4

Your first version was superior to this one.  You've added the "blood" image, but I think it is less powerful than the other poem.  Since you're dealing with an intangible, it might be better to keep it ethereal rather than corporal. Again, the use of ego is less correct than "id", as the id is the source of instinct, desire and passion, whereas the ego supresses the id in an attempt to civilize the behavior to comply with social norms.  In this case, the string has assisted the ego in supressing the id, not blinded the ego from aims created by the id.

Still a good poem, just not as sharp as your other version.  Keep writing.

Answer 5

cool

i think you are really

good at writng poems

- ♥ Taylor ♥