The back story with her:
I met this girl in high school (I am 23 now, and she is 22). I liked her from the moment I met her, but at the time she was the friend of my then-girlfriend, and we could only be friends. We remained friends for years. Throughout that time she had boyfriends here and there, again leaving me unable to pursue her romantically. A few years ago, when she wasn’t dating anyone seriously, I decided to make my move by bringing up the subject of me and her. She told me that as much as she cared for me, she just simply didn’t view me romantically, and that she didn’t see this changing. I told her that as much as I value our friendship together, it hurts me to have to put my feelings for her aside, and that I could not do it anymore. I told her that although we had a friendship, that I was not looking for that kind of relationship with her; I wanted something more, and if she could never envision it, then I would have to move on. She was hurt, but agreed that if this was the way I saw things that it must be done.
The back story with him:
We have known each other our whole lives (he is 21), have all of our friends in common, but have only been friends for the last two years. Prior to that we had a falling out. The falling out is not important other than to say it was brought on by me because he had a propensity to be a ‘shady’ person in regards to his friends, but the reason we mended fences was because we had a heartfelt talk with one another and he told me that he had matured, and is now honest and upfront about things. In these last few years we have grown very close, and are in a very close-knit group of 5-7 friends.
Leading up to the disaster:
So the girl contacted me out of the blue about a 5-7 weeks ago, and we started hanging out. I introduced her to my friend, she introduced us to her friend, and the four of us would hang out. He is a smooth talker, never has a lack of girls, and tends to hit on everyone. Knowing this, I told him that she was off limits, but did not give him much of the back story. He had no problem with that, but after several times of hanging out together, drinking, I noticed he was flirty with her. Eventually, when they were both really drunk, they made out with each other. Right in front of me. I was heartbroken, but I kept my cool. I talked to him after the fact, and he told me he didn’t realize that I had feelings for her, that he thought she was nothing special to me. After I explained our full history and the depths of how I felt about her, he said he felt horrible, and that he didn’t even want to see her again. I talked to her friend too, and she told me that the girl felt it was a big mistake, and that the only reason she did it was the alcohol. Knowing how reserved she is normally, I accepted this, and felt that it had been resolved. It was an honest mistake, one that would not be repeated. A week went by where we did not hang out with the girls, but after this we resumed like normal. He said he was embarrassed to hang out with her again, but that only made me feel better that it was in the past. Presently it has been three weeks since the kiss.
The problem:
This is a long story, so for the sake of brevity I will cut to the chase: through a series of events, I found out that since the kiss they have been texting/talking to each other, even meeting for dinner at least once. I believe they have (at a minimum) kissed again, but I am not sure. He tried to keep it all from me. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t tell me because he was ashamed, and because it made it easier on him as well as me. I haven’t been able to talk to him much because he is out of town, but I have talked to her. I have told her again, that I have these feelings, and that I cannot do this pretending anymore. If she still feels that there is no chance for a romance between us, then I must exit the relationship, as much as it hurts the both of us. She basically told me that she still won’t ever view me romantically. She refuses so say this bluntly because she feels if she says it then I will immediately end the relationship (which I suppose is true). She has yet to tell me why she can’t view me this way, but she doesn’t know how to verbalize it. She also told me that she is starting to have feelings for my friend, but is unsure about it because of how I would feel. I told her if she were to date him that I would not be able to deal with that, and would not be able to involve her in my life. I told her as important as she is to me, it hurts me too much to see her show me no affection and romantic interest, and also hurts when she gives it to others. As for my friend, I basically plan on telling him that he must choose between salvaging our friendship, or pursuing the girl (and so far his only interest is in bedding her, this is confirmed).
So my questions are, regarding the girl: Is ending our relationship the best course of action? As much as I feel it’s unreasonable and immature, the pain I feel from not being something more with her, and seeing her give affection to others is simply too painful.
Regarding my friend: If he chooses the girl, is cutting him off the right decision? This seems like a clear decision to me. If he chooses our relationship, how can I trust him, not only that he is not going to have a secret relationship with the girl, but that he will not do this to me for future girls? Am I crazy for feeling this hurt/betrayed? People I tell the story to seem to feel like I am being melodramatic, but the emotions are real. Thanks for your time reading/responding!
Tags: