Love and support with HSV-2?

Question

My fiance was diagnosed with HSV-2 this February. Needless to say, this was traumatic and stressful, and continues to be so. Fretting over a reckless romantic past, concern for transmitting the disease to me, and dealing with the outbreaks -- three fairly severe ones since February -- has dealt her, and us, a considerable amount of stress and hardship. I have tried, diligently, compassionately, lovingly, to offer my support and commitment and understanding on the matter, though truthfully it has been hard to deal with. I told her that I am with her, no matter what, that my love and commitment are hers forever, that I understand the risks of being intimate, but that it is merely one of the obstacles we will work with in the course of our marriage. And I truly mean it. Here's the volta: though I blood-tested negatively for HSV-2 several times this year, both before and after her diagnosis, a few weeks ago, I had my first outbreak and was diagnosed with HSV-2. It's made everything complicated all over again, and more so. She feels she contaminated me. I am, largely to myself, upset that the past has caught up with us both now, but I also take full accountability for contracting the disease; it was a choice and a risk I made, whole-heartedly, in the name of this relationship, which means the world to me.

Enough of the rambling... The question is: how can I better support my fiance in these difficult times? What are some ways we can promote both emotional and physical intimacy? What do we need to know about having a sexual relationship -- dangers, precautions, etc. -- now that we are both infected?

This whole situation feels like a terrible blow, a difficult fracture, and I am eager to find and promote a deeper connection, healing, and a greater love. But I could really use some help/guidance/advice.

I am grateful for your time. Thank you.

Answer 1

I understand what you are going through....My partner got cold sores and him and I both never really thought much about it...He ended up passing it to me genitally...You both have it now so there really isnt a lot of precautions for you too.  My b/f and I dont really use precautions now that I also have it except when one of us has an outbreak, we avoid all sexual intimacy...We just support each other and are getting past most of the hardship...It takes time and as long as you to love each other you both can make it through this difficult time...My b/f went through the upset of giving it to me and I just re-assured him that we would get through this and that I loved him enough to not let this get in our way...Always talk about what is bothering you and try to work through it...It will get better....Good Luck!!!

Answer 2

Let me just say congratulations for being a genuine person and great guy. Most guys in your situation wouldn't be so cool headed and loving.

The good news (well not good news, but calming news) is that you both have it, so you can't give it to each other now. SO the s*x life shouldn't be an extreme worry now. Although its possible to re-infect yourself (weird, i know but if you touch an outbreak you can get it in your eyes, i've read) so just be careful when you have an outbreak. i'd still say use protection when either of you have an outbreak. also, its quite apparent that you love this girl, and since you are so supportive and loving, i'm sure since this didn't bring you down or break you up, not much can. good luck with everything.  

Answer 3

I know you are both going through a hard time dealing with the unknown.  The reason why I say 'the unknown' is...you just never know when 'the herp' is going to visit.  And I truly believe that is the worst thing about them.

I found that calling them 'the herp' is easier to say then herpes.  When you go to the doctor tell them you NEVER want to hear that word.  Make up a code word for it and let him/her know what the word is.  I heard of people with cancer doing this.  I know it sounds crazy, but it helps.

There are highs and lows with dealing with this virus.  Just when you feel 'normal' again, the monster comes for a visit.  Over time you will adjust and find a new normal in your life.  Outbreaks will become less often and sever.  You'll even find yourself NOT thinking about herpes 24/7.

People have skin conditions that are not herpes and deal with those conditions just like people with herpes.  BUT there is such a stigma associated with herpes, that best friends don't even share that secret.  I just like to think of herpes as a skin condition,  like dermatitis.

I have noticed that aspartame is a huge trigger.  It is an artificial sweetener found in gum, diet soda and stuff like that.  Try cutting that out of your diet.  You should notice a BIG difference in outbreaks.

Good health to both of you!

Answer 4

I think you guys are doing a great job. It sounds like you are going through all of the normal emotional ups and downs of this virus. You've already taken Billy Idol's advice (he has it too) which was "just give it to each other and get on with it." Honestly, I think it better that you both have it now rather than the always trying to not give it to each other.

Herpes can be devastating. Don't let it affect what otherwise sounds like a healthy relationship. Go to www.herpes-coldsores.com. There is an online community there that is great and you will see that TONS of other people are going through this too. Good luck. You'll make it.