Love and your own Happiness or your parent's happiness (long but really need some insight)

Question

I met this guy online a little over a year ago and we became fast friends. He moved to where I lived and we started to date and have been dating now for five month.

We decided to move in with each other and when I told my parents they were aprehensive about it. Then the bf and I got into a fight Sunday night that got a bit out of control (there was LOTS of booze and some xanax envolved)

I feel like I should mention that it did not get physcial and no one got hurt, just yelling.

I kicked him out of the apartment for the night and my parents came over to "save the day." Now after our drug and alcohol fueled fight we have realized we have some issues with those things and are willing to work on them together (i.e. stay together) but my parents are freaking out on me and even gave me the ultimatium of its him or them ...

I don't think it is far for them to be able to do that, and I really want to give it a shot with the bf. Any sugguestions? I am really lost here.

and btw. I am in my mid-20's

Answer 1

Well first of all sorry this is happening to you. In terms of your parents ultimatum, I'm unsure if they are upset about him in general (and this was just the final straw), or if it is specifically to do with your night of partying (i.e. alcohol and drug use).    If it's the later then I think what you need to do is demonstrate that you are serious about doing something about it. Eventually they'll come around if they see things improve there.

But if they are unsure about him in general then it's going to take more time to put this situation to bed I think.  And he's going to have to help. If parents are trying to move in on your relationship it's just no fun and so the natural reaction is try to push them off. But he has to realize that he's with someone's daughter and he can't just expect a girls parents to roll over and forget about an incident like that.  The two of you could just blow them off, it might even be warranted, but I'd definitely suggest figuring out how the two of you can work on improving his standing in your parents eyes.  

At the end of the day, it is your life and your parents love you and they probably know they can't control you.  If you let them know that you appreciate their love and concern then they'll come around eventually I think.  But the quicker way to settle them down is to show them with actions, not words, that you two are genuinely trying to fix things.

Hope this helps!

Answer 2

Being in your mid-20's does change the situation a bit.  If you were a teenager I'd be pulling for the parents because, well, I am a parent!

However you are an adult at this point and with that comes a lot of responsibilities like making your own decisions and accepting the consequences.

I think if your willing to accept that the bf has issues and you can deal with the fallout from an unsuccessful attempt to fix things... well you gotta grow up sometime and tackle this stuff on your own, you know?

Parents shouldn't give ultimatums to their kids... are you listening out there?  Look, parents, we're always going to lose the ultimatum!  I'm figuring that out now and my daughter is only 4 years old.  I can only imagine how "effective" an either/or is on an older person. (NOT.)

That said - Your parents seem like they love you and cherish you maybe too much!  It's hard for us parents though -- to the kids:  We love you so much and our whole time together has been about us protecting you and helping you.  

They are crushed and angry over what they see as a destructive path.  I would listen to their advice and give respect to their experience, but also help them calm down and rationally explain/demonstrate how you are ready to take care of yourself.  It's hard to let go sometimes and see your kids tackling life when you're sure they're going to be hurt.

Does this make any sense?  Hey good luck.  Watch the bad habits - if he's a mean drunk he just shouldn't drink, OK?  Take care of yourself.

Answer 3

What's xanax?  I think if you are drinking heavily and taking drugs together then this a harmful relationship to begin with. You need to get away from him for a few days and think about why you are drinking  so much. You need to make yourself safe and happy before you can think of having a relationship with someone else.

Answer 4

LOVE IS HARD TO FIND

try your hardest and try and make it work. Try and eliminate the drugs and ease up on the alcohol.

you don't want to give up to easy and then when your in your 40s you will forget it.

goodluck.

Answer 5

Are you living together now? If not, then I suggest that it stays that way. First of all, you both have substance usage problems. Nothing good ever comes from over use of alcohol, or the use of drugs. Nothing. If you are living together, I suggest that you ask him to move out, or you move back with your parents, or to your own place. It is wrong of your parents to give you an ultimatum, but they are just worried about you and want the best for you. They feel powerless in this situation and they are trying to control it because they love you. With that said, your family will always be there for you. Your bf, however, may not be.

If I were you, I would not live with bf any longer, but test out the relationship to see if it's worth it (i.e keep dating. He should be courting you, that's how it's suppose to work). Stop drinking and doing drugs, especially with him. And be open and honest with my parents about what I am doing.

Good luck.

Answer 6

your parents and not thinking very well

I have no idea why you involved them but you are an adult and entilted to make your own mistakes.

Go to them and tell them that the two of you are reevaluateing your drug and alachal use and that although you love them they are wrong to react in such a way and tell them that  67year old grandpa is the one that said this to you

Answer 7

try explaining to your parents that it was just a fight?

i mean seriously everyone gets into a fight.

but if you wanna stay with your boyfriend try telling your parents that everyone fights its natural. & if you are trying to work on your issues then your parents should understand.

arguementing in a relationship makes you stronger.

But if you fight all the time  & it just gets worse and worse all the time then maybe you should  listen to your parents.

good luck.