Love to here some views

Question

Eternal By Ru Hewage

Copyrights Ruhewage@

Lust and amour tangle When our lips meet

We are wanton creatures born of flesh

Hiding underneath this luscious satin

heightned senses leave all behind

You are mine today as I am yours

The days ahead , they can wait.

Your beating chest beating faster

I hear its rhythams and it is my own

Tidings of sensations unknown

Tightened grips upon our our hearts

YOu are mine today as I am yours

This is an eternal burn.

Answer 1

The 1st (stanza) is clearly describes picture of which U left nothing to the reader for interpretation.U could 'v worked in differently such as:

Our lips met, lust and amour tangle

For the luscious satin embraces

Creatures born of wanton flesh

Count no days ahead

But the moment, today

I'm all yours, you are all mine

The days ahead shall wait

The 2nd (stanza), has a emotional description, but again U lost control of conveying the meaning by the phrase " and its my own".

The 3rd line: "Tiding sensations" 'd be enough metaphoric description.

4th line:doesn't get along with 3rd line. I mean tiding sensations 'd open the hearts to reach unknown places, not tighten the grip upon hearts.

One last thing , I don't know about " rhythams", I hope its a typo.

Again, a ( bundle) of feelings, but not enough tools to spell it out.

I might not be a good critic, but as a reader, i gave U my opinion which might 'v been blunt. I can feel U R talented.. Keep it on, and good luck