MIL ignores my role in my daughter's life. Suggestions on how to show her who's boss?

Question

Well, my mother in law thinks she's the parent whenever she visits my daughter. I tried setting some ground for when she's over, but now I'm a push over. I am my baby's mother and she seems to think that she can just do whatever she wants to my daughter as long as her SON isn't stopping her. I had to stand up to her and tell her that she's unacceptable the way she's acting. She was so upset and called my husband saying I'm being uncalled for. As a mother, I feel I have the right to express my concerns regarding my baby, not hers!

How do I show her that what I say goes, and that if she's visiting and I want my baby to be in my supervision, she needs to hand her back over and stop playing fake mommy? She asks my husband what development milestones his daughter has reached and he's even unsure because he hardly spends time with her. He acts educated about his daughter, but in reality I'm the one who's practically a pro on her by now! My MIL treats me like I know nothing about parenting and that her son did all of the diaper changes, feeding, etc (he did none of that!)

I just want respect as a mother instead of being treated like I don't exist and like I'm not there while she visits.

Answer 1

Daddy needs to step up and say something or butt out. I envy those with decent MILs... they are hard to come by.. lol. I despise mine with a fiery burning passion. Keep it up, it is so much easier to keep your ground after the 1st time you do it.  

Answer 2

Sit down with your MIL and explain to her you love the fact that she wants to be in your daughters life, but that she needs to remember your rules are your rules and if she cannot follow them, then she will have to refrain from coming over to your house until she understands them and abides by them. She may get mad, but let her go home and steam about it. Do not ever let her take control or make you a "push over." Your daughter needs you to the parent and the MIL to be the grandmother and thats it. Good luck to you.  

Answer 3

I have a similar situation...My mil has 2 other grandkids one thats 4 and lived under her roof with his now 21 yr old mam but she sees nearly everyday and one 11wks older than my 10mnth old daughter who currently lives under her roof with her 23yr old mam but is looking to move out..With those 2 kids she cares for them how she wants, tales them for injections, babysits, feeds them what she likes etc and all is ok but im her son (my hubby) is the 1st of her sons to have a child and we are married have our own house so from day one she wasnt able to be there at the birthbe one of the 1st to hold her, babysit her and do all the things she does with the other 2...All of my hubbys family make it clear to me that the dont like my parenting and try tell me what i should and shouldnt do and always compare my daughter with the 1yr old!! I hate it and due to this i try my best not to visit as when i do i get a million and one questions and they all test my patience and by doing that theyl do as they please and as i dont want to cause a scene i bite my tounge and sit in a mood and for the last few mnths ive not allowed anyone to pass her around due to the atmosphere...They all think my hubby is best dad and does everything and dont like it how i spend all day at home and he works and they hate the fact that my daughter is clingy to me, looks like me and does everythin i say... I think ther like this cos im not there daughter and the role has changed and they dont like been back of the q...But its tuff .Iv tried to talk to my hubby but just get a lil support and then its bk to normal after a few days and he never says anything to them...I dont think il ever get respect from my in laws s my way is to ignore them ... they dont bother to visit my daughter so they mustnt care that much and il make it clear to my daughter when she gets older aswel...All i can say is if u can put ur foot down when shes around but if not just tell her you only want her to visit once every 2 weeks for an hour or make excuses...It doesnt get any better thou id say it gets worse...Good luck

Answer 4

well i normally would have done what you have already done-sooooo.... now i think the direct approach/slide off maneuver is the best. when she has the baby and you want her, get up walk over ther pick her up under the arms and say, wanna come to mommy?? the slide off: i think she is at the point where she likes getting a reaction from you. i wouldnt give it to her anymore. YOU know what you do with your child, and YOU know what your husband doesn't do. i would smile and kill her with kindness. if you keep letting this bother you so bad, it will affect you. you will seethe over it continually. i went through this and after i said something it actually got worse, not better. then i acted as if it didn't bother me. then it got better. if you have to get a sling, and when you see her coming up the drive, put the baby in and do a little housework. if she gripes, say oh im sorry! this is our mommy/daughter time together! mabey when im finished you can have her. the point is: direct things to revolve around you when she is around. it worked for me after a few times. i would have a talk with your hubby too. i agree that it will get no better. his mother will always be this way and if you continue to "deal" with it, it will become worse with bigger situations. my mil was so bad-she came over when my daughter was 2 days old, and walked in with a post-it stuck to her finger , held up the air, mind you, and said "here is courtnies first doctor appointment!! i made it yesterday with OUR family doctor." yeah right!!! i said: im sorry. i have already chosen a pediatrician for her, you will have to cancel that. but this was the first of many things that she did, including what is happening with you. i have since divorced her son. she still buys toothpaste and laundry soap for him and drops it off at the house for him. go figure-

Answer 5

Your a mother now, it's your child, you have many choices, either make it difficult to visit. Your partner may have to have  a quiet word. Or you are going to have to prove that you are a good mom, even better than she was. She is trying to undermine you. If you don't nip it in the  bud  now she will get even worse. . What a bag!!!  Good luck she sounds dreadfull, you poor thing xxxx

Answer 6

Just tell her! You have to put your foot down or she will walk all over you and your husband sounds like mine...so if he is, it will continue cause they have no back bone to stand up to their mommies