MIL is asking for money. Am I being unreasonable?

Question

MIL called yesterday concerned about affording fuel this winter for her 4000 sq ft home, which is paid for and has about a $300,000. value. She has done this before..concerned about affording a new car so we gave her $8000.00 to bring her payments where she felt comfortable. I had no problem with this.

After my FIL passed, we learned that they had nearly $350,000. in cash and investments. This was AFTER we gave them the money for the car they were worried about affording. Upon learning their true financial picture, I felt used. My husband did not say too much but I knew he was disappointed because he made the comment that maybe we should send my parents some money. They have never asked us for anything and are living on social security and a small retirement. They have less than $30,000 in the bank for cash and no investments.

I do not want to give her any money. I feel she is using us. I have not made my feelings known to my husband because it is his mother. We are also in a very difficult situation financially because our daughter is attending a private school this year with a very high tuition and we have had to dip into her college fund and some of our retirement to be able to afford it. We are have also made personal sacrifices for her to be able to attend including moving across the country and living apart every other week and maintaining two homes and extra travel expenses.

Would you make your feelings known? Would you feel comfortable giving money to someone who clearly does not need it and clearly has much more money than you do? She is asking for $2500.00. My husband has a hard time saying no to anyone and we are both generous people but if we give her this when she clearly does not need it I feel we are setting ourselves up for giving more and more in the future. We are also nearing retirement age and have a child to put through college yet. What would you do?

Thanks for reading this and giving your comments.

Answer 1

It's just crazy to give money to someone who doesn't need it. Instead, he should reassure her that her money is more than adequate, and that, if she should really need it in the future, he'll be there for her. In the future, he should not give money to her until he has looked into her finances.

It's very common for people to get very worried in retirement, even if they have resources, because they know, once that money is gone, they will have no way to get more. So the proper tack to take is to keep reassuring her that you will be there for her in the future and see that she's taken care of. You should also get involved in her financial dealings, because, if she's nervous, she may be ripe for some crooked "financial manager." Get involved, and stay involved, or she could lose everything.

You might also want to check and see if she's gotten involved in something like a bogus group soliciting contributions, or sweepstakes. My mother-in-law lost $11,000 on sweepstakes before we discovered it. My husband always balanced her checkbook a few times a year, and she kept putting him off. So, again, STAY INVOLVED.

Answer 2

you are not being unreasonable.  you have to stand up to her.  otherwise, things will only get worse.  she is being selfish and wallowing in self pity and wants you to do the same....and feel sorry for her for whatever reason.

you could flat out tell her you can't lend her money.  or, you can say, "sure, we'll give you 2500, but in 3 months, I'm going to need 10,000 to put our child through school."  OR, you can say she never paid you back 8000 for the car loan, you can't afford to give her more when she never paid you back the first time.  That's a LOT of money to some ppl....I have to work for over 6 months for that much!

Answer 3

I think your MIL is very selfish, no offense.  I am a mother in law but I cant do that to my children because what I want for them is to be happy and I don't want them to suffer of financial difficulties.  If I can help them I will, not I will be the burden for them. Don't let her used you anymore.  Just be honest telling her that you are suffering financial difficulties.  If you will be honest with her I know she will understand that.  If not well, it's her problem. Just let her widraw her money at the bank, rather than she is the one who is happy and you are suffering.  

Answer 4

I have no problem lending money to familly when in need of food, clothing, shelter, or a need for small children. Anything else is extra, and not a requirement. Lending, or giving, money when that person has enough is just letting someone use you. However, to keep the family from falling apart, just explain that you can't afford to help the next time this occurs.

Answer 5

Clearly, you need to make it very clear to both your husband and his mother that you cannot afford to give her money that she clearly doesn't need. It may be an awkward conversation to have, but it must be done.  

Answer 6

Zaza, personally I would ask this woman to not worry about her winter expenses yet.  And that if and when the time comes that she really needs some financial help that she come back to you at that time.  If your husband has a hard time saying no to her then it may be necessary for you both to do it as a team.  Obviously she is not in dire straits or anything and actually sounds pretty well off from what I am reading.  Explain to her that you are currently saving in order to put your child through post secondary so cannot actually help her at present.  In addition she may not be good financially if her husband was responsible for handling the money while he was alive.  Perhaps either you or your husband could offer to help her with making a budget and living on what monies she does have.  Difficult situation I realize but one that needs to be addressed so as not to interfere with your relationship with either her or your husband.  Best of luck.

Answer 7

Explain to her that you cannot afford it right now because of your daughters tuition.  Make your husband talk with her about going to a financial advisor together so your MIL can understand her finances and how she can afford to pay for things she needs.  That is a big, expensive house, maybe she could downsize.