MIL question how would you handle this?

Question

Yesterday we were at my MIL for a visit. My daughter will be 2 at the end of August and she is pretty attached to me. I am SAHM. My daughter loves her grandparents, but it always takes her about 15 to 20 minutes to warm up to them. We see them about once or twice and once or twice a month or they babysit. So my daughter knows them pretty well, but she doesn't see them all the time either.

So anyway my MIL said probably four or five times. "Well clearly she is mommies little girl and I think mommy likes it, We are going to have to do something to fix that" I was appalled. I didn't say anything, because I didn't want to say something that I would regret. But I mean why is it bad that she is attached to me? I am her mother. She always get more comfortable, but she needs time. She is likely the only child I will have due to my medical problems, so I do enjoy that I am her favorite person. I encourage her to engage with her grandparents, but I am not going to force her.

Answer 1

Oh you absolutely need to say something.  I work full time, and my daughter acts much the same way.  I think it's just the age (she'll be 2 in September.) It doesn't matter who it is, even her auntie she sees twice a week...she still clings to me till I leave...your MIL is WAY out of line here.  I would put my foot down and tell her that you're daughter will come to her when she's ready, and if she doesn't stop, I would end my visits for a while.

I know it may sound harsh, but children don't learn to be brave by their parents throwing them in scary situations.  They learn by being comfortable and feeling safe.

Answer 2

Yeah I have one of those too!

I have always in the past asked my husband to say something to her but I think he is afraid to confront her.  

She would say stuff like if the baby was hungry - she would hold him while I fixed a bottle and say to him "I know mommy is mean huh?  She is starving you... Mean mommy".  I know that he is only 2 months and doesn't understand but it still ticks me off.  

So recently since my hubby won't say anything - I do.  I figure that I am not going to let her treat me like this.  I am an adult and the mother of her grandchild and the wife of her son...  She needs to treat me with respect....So I decided I will treat her with the same respect she treats me with.

Funny thing is when she says dumb stuff like that now - I kiddingly make a comment back - I do it with kindness so she can't say anything.

So if your MIL says "shes a mommas girl and we need to fix that"  just say kindly - "there is nothing wrong with being a mommas girl - we just share a bond that no one else has - they're just jealous".  Say it nice so she can't run her lip BUT she gets the point.  

But you have to nip it in the bud NOW before it gets worse.  Trust me!  My son is 4 years old and I am having BIG issues!

Answer 3

Whenever there are issues with my MIL, I make my husband talk to her.  It's a lot easier for the bio kid to talk to the parent in question than the in-law kid.

Answer 4

I had a similar situation with my first child but it was my FIL that insisted I was creating a mama's boy. Finally, I had to firmly tell him my son is shy it's nothing personal he's just shy and to give him a minute. Once my FIL started backing off  my son started going to him faster. I think grandparents take it personally when a grandchild is standoffish with them. Most grandparents want their grandkids to run to them with big smiles and open arms. But some kids aren't like that no matter who it is and forcing the issue only makes it worse. I have two and my first is 4 and still needs to warm up when we go someplace new... His 3 year old brother is the opposite but both are big time mama's boys.



Maybe you can explain to your MIL that  your daughter loves her but she is a little shy so she needs to warm up at first.  It's nothing personal it's just your daughters personality.

As far as the comments... let them roll. I would always say "Yes, he's a mama's boy and I'll let him be a mama's boy as long as he wants."  I would always say this while looking at my son giving him a big hug. It's not confrontational but it gets the point across.

Answer 5

Snatching her from your arms, your daughter screams, and you keep quiet? I realize you want to keep the peace, but, is mom-in-law wanting to keep peace? Her behavior isn't pointing that way... SPEAK UP!! It's your daughter, for goodness sake! I have three kids, and last one is due in 3 months... I would never allow ANYone to just come up and take her from my arms, without asking. How rude... When she comes to take her, turn away, slightly, and firmly say, "She'll come to you when she's ready."

As for her comments? I'd say, "Well, yes, mommy *does* like it, and, no, 'we' are not doing *anything* to fix that, because nothing about it needs to be fixed." It's as simple as that.

Answer 6

Join the club.  My daughter is only 6 months but I am constantly getting opinions from everybody in my family about how she should be sleeping in her own room, and I shouldn't carry her around all the time, I think ppl need to mind their own ya know.  Enjoy your daughter all you can and let her be attached ( although it's good that your encouraging her to go to other people sometimes ) because I remember I was the same way with my mom and then next thing you know I turned 5 and didn't want her to kiss/hug me in public and made her walk 10 feet behind me when she was walking me to school ( I guess I was a brat and I would cry if my daughter does that, but they all grow up to fast )

Answer 7

Sounds like she was joking.   Nobody can "do something to fix that".....every child is attached to one parent more than the other (even grandparents).   Maybe her words just came out wrong.   I wouldn't let it bother you anymore, BUT having said that.....IF she says it again.....just say "For now, we like it that way.   She will outgrow it soon enough".

Answer 8

Well, that wasn't a very nice thing she said. I can totally see how you would be offended by that. However, in the interest of keeping the peace, it's best to let it slide. If she continues making those kind of passive-agressive comments then you'll have to address it. Grandmother's can sometimes get their feelings hurt easily and it's especially difficult between the MIL and Mom.

I agree with you in regards to not forcing your child to go to her Grandmother but one thing you could do to help Grandma see this is:

As soon as they come in, invite Grandma to come sit and read a book, place your daughter in between you and slowly she'll warm up and go to Grandma.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Perhaps you should ask your MIL why she thinks it's a problem that your daughter is attached to her mother. That's not a sign of dysfunction - it's a sign that your daughter feels safe and loved... isn't that the way it should be?

Maybe your MIL is worried that your daughter is shy; or maybe she's jealous because she has some vision of being greeted enthusiastically by your daughter.

If you find her comments inappropriate, you need to tell her that. Good for you for not reacting badly - but, if you are able to discuss it like adults (and without your daughter around), and remind your MIL that while you certainly want your daughter to have a wonderful relationship with her grandparents, that you will not force her behave in a way your MIL finds more pleasing...

It would also be worth mentioning to your MIL that it could be seen as extremely disrespectful to you to be making snide comments about your relationship with your daughter in front of her.

good luck... unsolicited feedback from family members is tough.

* about the removing her from your arms without permission. We had the same problem with my partner's uncle... my daughter was terrified of him when she was little, because he's loud, and was very in-her-face... one day he was visiting, and kept grabbing her and tickling her. he was frightening her, and I told him not to do it, as it was obviously not ok with her. After the second time, I removed her from the room and explained to him that we are raising our daughter to expect people to respect her personal space, and that forcing her to hug and kiss people, or allowing them to touch her when it was obvious that she was being frightened was absolutely unacceptable. As she's gotten older and able to speak on her own behalf she has become less afraid, but still draws the line at being tickled unless she says it's ok.

Perhaps your MIL needs to be gently (or not so gently) reminded that your daughter has the right to feel safe, and that your number one priority is to ensure that safety.