MY Father just told me he was dieing of

Question

stomach cancer and Hepitiest he got it from his gurl friend....i just asked a ? on if i should bein his life he messages me and then when i say i dont want to be in your life ne more i don;t even wanna be ur daughter he tells me this he never been here for me he has been in jail and he lives in a different co

Answer 1

Okay, well, it was a bit of a struggle to understand what you are saying.  If I have this right, you were messaging your father, who you are already estranged from about how you feel about him.  It sounds like you were giving it to him; telling him that you wanted nothing to do with him ever again.  He responded by saying that he has stomach cancer and hepatitis.

Well, first, I'm not sure why you were actually messaging your father in the first place.  He lives in a different state and he sounds like he's been a very poor father to begin with.  Deep down inside, do you really want a relationship with him?  Or do you just want him to hurt as badly as you have been hurting?  Sometimes, we try to get people to see how bad they have been to us and well.... I'm not sure that is a really worthwhile strategy.  He already knows he's been a poor father and if he doesn't then he's probably delusional.

Okay, so let's say he does have stomach cancer and hepatitis.  You have a couple of choices.  It would be very kind of of you to visit him in the hospital and to be supportive.  I would definitely have some boundaries on that though.  I would not invite him to live with you.  It would be better if you were kind but a little distant, unless he's achieved some major revelation in his life.

You could just cut him off and continue on the with your life.  If you do this, it is also really important for you to do some work in healing your own spirit.  It sounds like it's been rough for you having a father who is in prison and I suspect also a substance abuse user (substance abuse and jail tend to go hand-in-hand).  

In the long run, neither answer is perfect.  I have to tell you that years after my own father's death, I have such mixed feelings.  He abandoned our family when I was 5 years old.  I didn't see him again until I was in my 20s.  He was still an angry tyrant and when I stood up to him and told him he needed to apologize for his neglect and the terrible things he would say about my mother, he responded by yelling and slamming doors.  We never spoke again.  When he passed away 10 years ago, I didn't even go to the funeral.

In some ways, I see my behavior as entirely appropriate.  I was in the middle of therapy over my childhood and he was not a positive influence by any stretch of the imagination.  But I do regret that I didn't even go to his funeral.  I feel like he was probably a very damaged person and it makes me a little sad that I wasn't able to find some way to build a bridge between us.  On the other hand, he never took responsibility for his own actions that harmed so many and I'm not sure we could have ever had a positive relationship.  He was pretty twisted.

So, look, this is really a sad situation.  You must have very confused feelings.  What you have to decide is what is healthy for you.  Is it best to maintain contact, so that later on you won't have a lot of guilt or regrets or is your father so toxic that maintaining contact would only add to the damage that has been done to you over the years.  If you can this is something that a good counselor or minister might  help you with deciding.  It's a huge decision.

I wish you the best of luck and you are in my prayers.

Answer 2

i'm really sorry about your dad but what are you trying to ask? you're not spelling correctly and your sentences aren't really that clear. sorry wish I could help

Answer 3

Sorry about your dad... but you really need to be more clear and spell better.  You may also want to ask a question too.

Answer 4

not clear enough