Maid of Honor ALREADY getting on my nerves and the wedding is still 8 months away!?

Question

My Maid of Honor is a very disorganized, last minute kind of girl, and I've always known this about her. I have a really hard time getting close to people and trusting/relying on them, so a lot of thought went into who should be my MOH. In the end, I picked her because I've known her since freshman year of high school (I'm 25 now), I hang out with her the most, it's easy to talk to her about anything, and she is my closest friend.

Now, whenever I bring up wedding plans, she always tells me it's too far away to even talk about it (even though obviously, weddings are planned in advance!) One of my bridesmaids took the reigns in planning the bridal shower, and when I asked my MOH if she's ok with it, she said "maid of honor is just a title, let her plan it if she wants." I am offended by this because she KNOWS how hard it is for me to call someone a close friend, and for me, MOH is NOT just a title but an honor. Besides, all she's done in the past few months is tell me when she is NOT available to do wedding stuff because she will be busy doing something else. Now I don't expect her to be available all the time, but why is all I've heard from her that she CAN'T do something? We were looking at invitations and she said "I am SO not ordering invitations for your bridal shower". Also, she made a big stink about how I better not plan anything around her birthday "week" (yes, most people have a birthDAY but she considers the entire WEEK hers), which is a month before my wedding. Just to compare, my other bridesmaid's birthday is 2 DAYS before my wedding, and she hasn't complained once, even though HER entire birthday weekend will be consumed by my wedding.

If I could go back in time, I wouldn't even HAVE a maid of honor, I would just call everyone bridesmaids and have them be equal. Too late to take it back now though. Can I talk to her about this at all? She is the kind of person who is incapable of taking any criticism and if I tried to talk to her about this, it would NOT go over well. What do you think?

Answer 1

Tell her you adore her as a friend, but she can't be your maid of honor.

Explain to her that you need more help in planning... and she would probably have more fun as a guest.  This way she won't have to complain about having to do any "hard labor".

It is definitely not too late to strip her of her title... after all, it seems she deserves it.  Ask one of the other girls to fill in... or ask a respected relative... or agree not to have a best man or maid of honor and stand alone with your significant other.  You don't have to follow tradition...

but, you should strive to be happy :o)  

Answer 2

"it's easy to talk to her about anything, and she is my closest friend. "

Well that is not the case because you state it doesn't go well when you try to talk to her. A easy person to talk to wouldn't take criticism to heart from their closest friend in such a negative manner.

Hoesntly, she is not interested in your wedding.

She already told you that when she is not honored, only thinking it is a title. In the end, she is more focused on herself at the moment (you already gave examples of them) and it is best to go forth with planning from friends/family and yourself. She isn't capable of doing so.

I would honestly just tell her that you decided all bride'smaids will be equal and there will be no MOH.  

Answer 3

I think you need to calm down.  Your expectations seem a bit high to me.  What do you want from her?  DO you want her to plan your wedding or something?  That is not a MOH requirement.  If she wants to or can, that's fine... but certainly NOT worth getting in a fight and ruining a friendship over.  Eight months is more than enough time.  There is really no reason she needs to do much at this point.  It's not hard to plan a shower (usually a month or so before the wedding).  And there's really no need to *order* fancy invitations to a shower.  You can pick up very nice ones at any store for a few bucks.

Maybe she actually was hurt that someone else took over her responsibility for the shower, but she was trying to be nice to YOU by not making a big deal about it.

As for me, my MOH went to help me choose the bridesmaid color and dresses, planned a shower, helped set up the reception hall the night before,  listened to me complain about my mother, sat next to me at the ceremony, signed the marriage certificate, gave a toast at the reception and a few other things in the week leading up to the wedding.  But I did not burden her with all the minor details, like invitations, choosing a hall, picking a cake, or any of those other things.  She has a life that does not revolve around me and I respect that.  

I planned my wedding in 6 months.  So getting all stressed out that people aren't running around planning your wedding stuff with 8 months to go, is a bit much.  Don't turn into a bridezilla.

Answer 4

Dear Bride, I would definitely sit down and have a private, calm discussion with your MOH.  Knowing her as you do, are you really surprised at her behavior?   Remember, this is your wedding, and is the most important thing in the world to you.  This is oftentimes not the feeling of the MOH or Bridesmaids.  In order to reduce friction, and since is appears she wouldn't be offended, I suggest you parcel out her "duties" to others in the wedding party and accept her friendship, such as it is.  Getting into conflict with her will not help either of you.   If you are able to adjust your expectations to the reality of this girl's personality/character, then you will have a much better experience.  Don't let this become an issue and mar your perfect day!  You are the Bride!  Enjoy every minute of it.  Best Wishes, Isabella

Answer 5

Short and Sweet.  Leave things like they are.  Ignore her.  She says it's just a "title"   She's more concerned about her own well being.  You are putting her "out" by asking for help from her.   Ask your other Bridesmaids for their help.  Your "MOH" shouldn't be offended in any way if she's much too busy with her own things.

Good Luck!!!  

Answer 6

Hummm unfortunatly this is not uncommen. Most MOH either don't understand their responsibilites due to lack of being in weddings or they are just lazy.One way to get her a little organized might be dropping hints. Search the internet for a clear defined role of the what bride, MOH and bridesmaids roles are and read them to her. Give her a checklist printed off the interent so it looks like your not bossing her around your just "helping" her by printing off actual facts from the internet. Also wedding have to be planned in advance so talk to your other bridesmaids and just go around her then. Have the others willing to do the work - help you out. She'll feel really stuipid towards the end for not helping as much as she could have.

I'm not sure she should be ordering invitations for your bridal shower you should be doing that or your family should be so I can see her point there.  However, for your bachlorette party make a list of people you want to go, suggest some places that might be interesting to you and email ALL of your bridesmaids so they can get together and work something out. Copy her on it but don't make her the only one on the email have the other girls on there as well to be discussed by all.

Answer 7

You not only CAN talk to her, you need to. When you asked her to be your Maid of Honour you probably didn't tell her that you wanted her to help you with the planning. All I require of my bridesmaids is to be there for the wedding, in the proper dresses. The Maid of Honour also needs to be there for the rehearsal. She was likely expecting something similar.

Explain to her that you neglected to tell her that you were asking her to help you with planning and to throw you a shower in exchange for this honour. At this point you can let her know that you're not comfortable giving her the title because it means something different to you than it does to her, but you have to decide if it's worth it.

If it means a lot to you that your Maid of Honour be someone who helped plan the wedding then I would let her know that you are more comfortable without her being "Maid of Honour". If you're just taking it back because you feel she hasn't earned it then remember that you're risking your friendship over this (it can look petty).

And don't forget, you need someone to sign the register, no matter what that person is called.

Answer 8

actually, it's not too late to call them all bridesmaids and retract your offer to have this girl be MOH- unless you've already had your programs printed for the ceremony.  when you do the programs, just list them all as bridesmaids.  whether your MOH actually looks at the program is doubtful, unless she's the type who wants to keep souvenirs of the event.  but if she does notice she was demoted to bridesmaid, then take that opportunity to tell her what a rotten MOH she is.

Answer 9

First mistake--you chose a MOH that you knew from the get-go was disorganized.  I always tell people to choose carefully and choose a MOH that you know will be helpful.  Don't feel obligated to choose someone JUST BECAUSE they're your closest friend.  The MOH is supposed to be your right-hand person.

There really isn't much you can do at this point unless you are willing to remove her from your bridal party or demote her.  Personally, since your wedding IS 8 months away I would hold off on bridal shower planning just yet too.  You really have no choice though but to talk to her if it bothers you that much...otherwise, you simply keep quiet and let the other BMs take the reigns.

Answer 10

It is too late to take it back - if you demote her, then her feelings will get hurt and it will drive a wedge in your friendship. Your maid of honor should be the woman you are closest to, no matter how scatterbrained, not the woman who is going to throw you the best bridal shower.

But what you can do is talk about what you need from her NOW. If she doesn't want to order invitations for your shower, fine. But you can give her a guest list of who should be invited, along with their contact info. You can ask her what responsibilities she can take on given her busy schedule, and base her duties around that. And just remind her how honored you are that she's participating in the wedding, and how much her friendship means to you - because that's what really matters, right?

Good luck.

Answer 11

Have a talk with her and tell her up front how you feel. From what I'm seeing, she's being a bit self centered right now. That's no way to treat you or give you attitude like that. It is your wedding planning and you incorporating her as a MOH should make her feel important. If she's not going to do any of the work you ask her to do, demote her to just bridesmaid, unless you have someone else you're considering as a MOH. If she still makes a stink about why you demoted her, just drop her out of the wedding entourage altogether. She's not being considerate nor reasonable for your needs.  

Answer 12

Listen, this is one of the biggest days in YOUR life. Your MOH should be there for you, not the other way around. she'll have many more birthdays, unless her number comes up sooner then later. You have to sit her down and telling her what your feeling. If she wishes not to listen, you have to find another MOH, this day is about you, sounds like to me she might have a  little green eye monster thing going on there. Do not let her ruin YOUR day. Good Luck  

Answer 13

Since you already considered her the MOH and you said you already knew how she was with being disorganized so you kind of have to expect that.  Also, even though it is your big day, its just another day for them.  They may feel that is all you talk about and arent bothering with their likes, interests during this time because all your time is consumed with planning.  I would ignore her comments as it seems she wants to control what she does and does not do for you or the wedding.  It was very nice of your bridesmaid to do the shower.  Not nice for your MOH to say its just a title.  Some look at it differently.

When I got married I had to hound my friend/bridesmaid that was just like your MOH but she didnt complain to me, she just never called me back or met me at the store for alterations.  I told her to go for her fittings and she would go late.  She was to get white satin plain heels and she got rounded toe heels with a strap, she wore black nylons under her dress (it was long so you didnt see it that much) and wore a floral bra which one couldnt be worn b/c the dresses were open in the back with a bow and fabric only.  Other members of the wedding said during the ceremony said she was tapping her foot and dropping her flowers and not paying attention.  Then at the reception she was all bummed b/c her b/f had to sit at the guests table by himself so she pulled his chair up to the bridal parties table anyway!!  I was very upset but never said anything.

If you say something and it offends her, do you have a plan for a replacement if it comes to that?

Answer 14

I am a firm believer that if you want something done right, do it yourself.

Here's my blunt 2 cents:

It's your wedding. This day won't matter to anyone as much as it'll matter to you and your fiance. Everyone has their own set of priorities and we can't call anyone selfish because they don't care about our selfish purposes.

Don't count on anyone else too much and do it yourself or have close family members take part. Let her have her title and don't ruin a friendship (if it's been truly good) over this.

Unfortunately I've learnt this the hard way just now too with my bridesmaids who still don't call back or tell me how they like their dresses and I don't care anymore.

I want my life to start with my husband, the wedding day shall be beautiful no matter what.

All the best.

Answer 15

wow! sounds like a tough situation. The best advice I have is just try to talk to her as reasonably as possible. Start off the conversation by saying " I need to have a serious talk with you. You know how much I Iove you and value your friendship that is why I chose you to be my moh. I am not saying any of this to hurt your feelings, or criticize you, or put you down, but I think there are a few things we need to discuss." Let her know upfront so that she does not feel attacked and hopefully she can be mature enough to listen to what you have to say and then the 2 of you can work it out. This is something you definitely need to talk to her about. When it all comes down to it....it is your day and you have enough things to worry about and stress over....this should not be one of them. Besides....she is your friend and you owe it to her to let her know how you are feeling and not keep it bottled up. Hope I helped and best of luck to you in you "situation" and on your wedding!

Answer 16

well let me say one thing!!  my wedding isn't intil 2010 so... she should know how you feel. you should talk to her and tell her that you don't want to do this a the last minute! that if this all get's done so you don't have to worry about it and you can enjoy your engagment!!!  

she sounds a tad selfish!  but i wo uld talk to her!

you may want to ask her if she don't have time for this wedding stuff why she accepted to be you MOH. and follow up with her is your out! if you don't have time and are not going to work WITH me on this then please step down!  I love you to pieces but i can see your life is more higher on the scale then me for a few months!  and if that is the case then maybe you should just step down!

just be nice and what you wording if you do that!

but if she ever says she is too busy say then why did you accept?

good luck!  

Answer 17

In order to avoid chaos and hurt feelings - ADD another Maid of Honor - or if you have a married friend, a Matron of Honor --- it won't embarrass your friend and it will give you the opportunity to get the much needed help in planning that you need...

Answer 18

You two obviously have very different ideas about what "Maid of Honor" means.  This is something you need to discuss with her.

To me, a Maid of Honor is someone who stands near you at the wedding and runs interference for you on the wedding day.  Obviously your friend feels the same way.  To you, a Maid of Honor is someone who helps plan the wedding.  There is an obvious micommunication about the expectations you have for her in this situation.  There are no hard and fast rules about what a Maid of Honor does, everyone has a slightly different take on it.  

Call your friend and tell her what your expectations are.  This doesn't have to be an accusatory conversation, just tell her you think there is a disparity between what you think she should be doing and what she thinks she should be doing.  Ask her if she can meet those expectations.  If she cannot it is time to a) find someone else or b) not have a Maid of Honor at all.