Maid of honor issues?? Take her out of wedding??

Question

I think I asked my friend to be my MOH too soon. We were really close when she lived in CT and has since moved to Boston. I barley talk to her anymore and she has become somewhat irresponsible (ie doesn't have a license anymore and doesn't drive her car anymore). When I go up to see her it's like were best buds again but then when I leave we go back to barley talking. I'm sick of feeling that our relationship is one-way and don't want to have the stress while planning a wedding that is only 10 months away. I'm worried that she won't be able to make it here to get dresses, dress fittings and other things. I've already mentioned to her via phone that she's going to have to be available and she agreed but since then when I've called or text her it takes over a week for her to respond. What should I do? My heart is telling me that it wasn't the right choice....ugh...help!

Answer 1

I would talk to her an let her know that your serious. If she can't be able to step up, then she can't be in the wedding.

If she does it again, I think she should be kicked out.

Answer 2

I think if it's worth losing your friendship, then tell her you've changed your mind.  You need to realize that it could mean the end.  It doesn't sound like you're best friends anymore anyway.  Is there another role she could play?  An honorary role that doesn't require all the fittings, etc?  

Answer 3

Last time I checked the MOHs duties only entailed providing wardrobe, showing up on the wedding day, and standing next to the bride during the ceremony. I understand that she's also suppose to be there for you, but your wedding is 10 months away (short amount of time to you I'm sure, but as a current MOH I can tell you it seems far away). I would give her the opportunity to come through for you before you write her off. If she hasn't done anything that has disrupted the wedding or your planning process so far, then I don't think the demotion is deserved.

Childrenrthefuture: traditionally the duties have been the ones I mentioned, "being there every step of the way" has only recently been added to that list (by ungracious bridezillas looking for an unpaid servant for a year). I do agree that the MOH is responsible for the party planning, but that's the only thing on your list that I'll add to mine. Also, the whole point is that the MOH hasn't proven yet that she can't fullfill her responsibilities or that she's "creating problems".

Deanri: fantastic idea!!! I wish I would have came up with that myself. :)

Answer 4

Sounds like alot of different things could be going on.

She could be going through alot of stuff she's not telling you about and since you two are not in touch with each other much, then that won't help.

I'm not sure how far you two are and how feasible it is for her to come for a dress fitting but if your friendship means alot to you then you should accommodate her a bit too. For example, does she really need to come for dress fittings? Can she have her dress fittings in Boston? Can you organize where most of the stuff that needs to be done are in the same weekend so she can make it to you?

Either way this is more about your friendship than just her being your maid of honor... your wedding day will come and go but if your friendship has been good, then remember that good friends don't come by very easily and both of you should make an effort to be in touch and tell each other what's going on in your lives. If she's distant, first find out why and if she has no reasonable excuse and you see the friendship failing then make a decision based on that not anything else.

All the best!

Answer 5

It's time for a frank discussion. I know you've mentioned it to her about having to be available, but follow it up with "I know you're saying that you understand, but taking a week to respond when I have a question like you've been doing lately is not going to be acceptable when we get down to the wire. If you feel like you won't be able to do that and need to step down as MOH, I completely understand." And MEAN it.

Edit: It sounds like you no longer want to be friends or have her in your wedding party. That's your choice and you have to live with it. My best friend and I haven't lived in the same state for over 20 years. I would never consider her anything other than my best friend. I don't have kids and can afford to fly home and see her. She can't do the same and that's fine with me.

By the way, I've lived all over the Northeast. I've never had a driver's license - ever. I'm not irresponsible. I'm green! :)

Answer 6

You've got a very sticky problem on your hands, here. If she's become as irresponsible as you say, and she's taking a week to get back to you, then she's probably not even really that interested in the position. The MOH job is a very strenuous one, because they have more duties than the other bride's maids. She's supposed to help you dress, help you with your makeup, help you make important decisions, come to dress fittings, and she's supposed to be responsible for the bridal shower (though my MIL took over that last job, as my MOH was only 13 at the time).

Explain to your friend how you're feeling and why you're removing her from that very important position, then choose someone who you know WILL be responsible and be there for you and be a good MOH. Weddings are stressful. You don't need the added stress of wondering whether or not your MOH is going to fulfill her duties!  

Answer 7

I think you have to wait until she actually does something that is problematic. Right now, you'd be dumping her based merely on a bad feeling. It would help if there was actually an incident that led to a mutual agreement that it's better if she steps down from MOH position.

Answer 8

The only two things your attendant HAS to do?  Buy the dress, and stand next to you on the wedding day.

Consider anything else she does a bonus.  That way, you won't be disappointed.

What exactly do you expect this attendant to do?  Why can't you do it with someone else?  Your fiance?  Your mother?  An aunt?  A cousin?  Another friend?  An interested coworker?

You do have others in your life who can "fill in" for your Boston attendant.  Reach out to them.

Regarding bridal showers?  Other bridesmaids can plan and host the shower . . . with Boston MOH maybe just making a monetary contribution toward it if she is unable to attend.  Your aunts can host a shower.  Groom's aunts can host a shower.  Your godmother can host a shower.  Your coworkers can host a shower.  Ladies at your place of worship can host a shower.  A shower is not necessarily the MOH's responsibility.

I suggest you turn to other friends and family members.  And leave MOH as is for now.  Life is busy.  It does not stop for MOH just because you are planning a wedding.

You valued her friendship at one point.  Please remember that.  Allow her to remain as MOH for now.  If you decide to reevaluate this friendship, wait until after your wedding and honeymoon.    

As for dresses?  Select a color and a level of formality.  Remember that bridesmaids dresses do not need to be identical.  Allow each attendant to select a dress that flatters her body type . . . in the color you have selected.  This eliminates a lot of stress for you.  And MOH can find her dress in Boston, if necessary.

Example of weddings with non-identical dresses?

http://community.theknot.com/cs/ks/user/...

http://www.theknot.com/co_profileview.ht...

These brides asked their attendants to wear the color blue.

Answer 9

Something similar happened to me with a bridesmaid and flowergirl. They took forever to return phone calls. If this is on your mind now, I'd say replace her. Simply because she is not responicible for herself so, she may not be responcible to act accordingly on your behalf. This is a important day to you. Pick someone who understands your vision. Someone who is happy for you, not giving you grief.  

Answer 10

If you really feel like she may cause problems for you during what should be one of the happiest times for you, you need to let her know up front and as quickly as possible, because the closer it gets and the deeper you get into the wedding planning, the harder it's going to be to mention your concerns.

I would sit down with her at some point (again, soon!) to discuss your concerns. And you can be perfectly nice when you're doing this. Just mention the fact that this is an important day for you and, while you realize it's almost a year away, you still kind of need her to be as available as possible.

**A note: yes, it is your day and it's understandable that everything, no matter how big or small it is, will be extremely important to you, but you also need to keep in mind that the people in your wedding party do have other things to think about and may not always have your wedding plans uppermost in their minds. This isn't to say they're irresponsible, but you could be focusing so much on your wedding which will take up much of your life, that you forget that others may have concerns about work, personal issues, etc. that they still need to deal with, so just try to keep all that in mind when you're asking them to do things with the wedding. MOH's and bridesmaids should be happy to help you out, but you do need to stay considerate of other things they may have going on in their lives.**

Back to the issue though =D - if you ultimately feel like she won't be able to live up to her responsibilities as MOH, you may want to tactfully mention that you'd like to remove her from that position. And you can use the fact that she doesn't really live nearby and you don't want to inconvenience her with any more travelling than she needs to do or you can just say, 'I love that you agreed to be my MOH, which shows how close of friends we are, but I think I may prefer to use (enter another name here) because (enter reason here) and I know that you have a lot of other things going on in your life. I would still like for you to be a part of this day though and was thinking that maybe you'd prefer (enter guestbook attendent or some other part of the bridal party)'.

Just remember that if you decide to have this conversation with her, you need to make sure it doesn't sound like you're attacking her in any way. Try to put everything back on yourself instead, because, honestly, you WERE the one that asked her to begin with and it's not fair to make her feel like she's not living up to your expectations.

Again, this is your day and if the person who's supposed to be the one helping you out the most is NOT the one you feel should be in that position, then she probably shouldn't be.  

Answer 11

You should have known this wouldn't be a very good choice to begin with, chances are this is going to end what little friendship you two have left.  You can risk it and have her in the wedding, let her create nothing but stress for you and more work for your other girls, and possibly not be in the wedding in the end anyways.  Or you can tell her she is no longer in the wedding, deal with her reaction to that, and not risk the wedding to her attitude an whims.  Either way chances are you won't be friends anymore.  I hope that in spite of this your wedding day is what you want it to be, good luck.

Edit:

Miss_Nik, the duties of the MOH are to be there for the bride every step of the way.  You take all stresses off the bride, you handle the bridesmaids when she can't, you throw the bachelorette party, you make any arrangements the bride may ask of you (i.e. nail and hair appointments, etc.), and you make sure she isn't worried about anything.  If the MOH is the one creating the problems, then she should not have anything to do with the wedding.

Only recently added?  I can remember when I was a little girl in weddings that the MOH was there every step of the way.  That is why the bride picks someone closest to her to take the role.  Otherwise she is just another bridesmaid.

Answer 12

I would set up a test run.  Tell her you want to plan a get together to scope out bridemaid dresses, or to help you look for something.  Decide on a date and set an appointment.  If she makes it to that, it will be a good indicator that, even from afar, she is still committed.  If she doesn't, then you will have good reason to believe it may not work and you can make a more informed decision at that time.  

Answer 13

OK, I'm going to correct you on one issue--her driving.  If she's living downtown in Boston, she doesn't NEED to drive, public transportation in Boston is pretty terrific, and since housing is so expensive there, people there (like in NYC) tend to not drive, and simply bus, subway, taxi, train wherever they need to go.  So actually, she's not being irresponsible, she's being VERY responsible by not driving and keeping a car in a city that has excellent public transportation available for its residents.  

As far as taking her out of the wedding, that's entirely up to you, however I need to warn you if you do, you can kiss whatever friendship you have with her goodbye.  That action would be a friendship killer.  As far as your calling/texting her and her taking awhile to respond, that would bug me too.  I generally expect someone to respond to a voice mail (I don't text) within 24-48 hours, unless there's a good reason not to (ie: out of town).  

You say you've talked to her and she's agreed to be there for dress fittings, etc., so I'd drop it.  I don't know how often you're calling/texting her, but think about it from her point of view, are you maybe coming across as nagging about this?  You also need to give her a complete list of EVERYTHING you expect from her, bearing in mind that she lives in Boston and you're in CT.  She's not going to be able to take the train down every time you want to check out a reception venue, nor should you expect it, and you should've realized that when you chose her to be your MOH.  Schedule a date/time to pick out/order dresses, fittings, whenever else you NEED her in town, and get that info to her (and the rest of your bridal party) ASAP.  That way, everyone knows what she's agreed to, and what you're expecting from them.  I work as a bridal consultant, I've worked with alot of brides and have seen alot of MOH's.  The biggest problems between brides and her bridesmaids is a failure to communicate, on both sides, but more often it's the bride expecting her MOH's and maids to clairvoyantly know what she's expecting them to do.  So give them all a very clear list of expectations you have of them, and that will smooth the way for everyone.

Good luck planning your wedding!

Answer 14

I would reiterate what basketcase said, that communication failure is where most conflicts arise. Period. Any situation. A lot of what I see and hear ( I also work at a resort/spa and we host a LOT of weddings), is this lack of communication/expectation that my MOH or my BM or the bride didn't know that's what I wanted, Well talk to each other, As basketcase said, you need to know exactly all that is involved in the planning of your wedding, you need to figure out how many people you need to help out with that- and look at a site like theknotcom to see what typically are some attendant duties, and how to disperse those around to each of them and have them all know who is doing what.

So look at the list of what an MOH does and share that list with her (customize your list if you must), share it with your friend and ask her what on that list is not realistic for her to be undertaking, given the distance and her schedule/finances etc.

In my mind, you break it off with someone because there was some explicit situation where trust was broken, or where they proved in a specific way to be unreliable in their role. Not just based on some feeling you got because someone takes a bit of time to get back to you . Since you don't keep in touch a lot now, as you said yourself, how can you even expect to know what her day to day life and schedule is like, that you understand from her perspective or in her shoes, whether you're on the same page. You said you used to be really close- like years ago? So you've known each other for a long time. My absolute best friend in the world that I have known for almost 20 years, we don't live in the same town anymore, I see her a few times a year when I go there to visit, she has kids and a dog and animals and a busy schedule, and we email and talk on the phone periodically, definitely not as often as I would like or as often as she would like, but it's hard to get each other when we're both free. If I email her and she emails back in a week or two I'm totally OK with that, If it's something emergency/time sensitive, I call her on her cell phone. Or vice versa. But we are 20 years going strong because we communicate and are upfront and open with these things.

As for the dresses, as someone already posted, pick a few styles of what you want and show them to her and let her find them/fit on her own in Boston- it's a big city (and I agree that it does definitely have one of the best transit systems in the world, and I've been to plenty of big cities, that driving is not a necessity and not driving one is not a sign of irresponsibilitiy necessarily- if you feel that way, ask her objectively why she doesn't drive -surely if she has a DUI and her license got taken away then yes, that is irresponsible. But to judge for any other reason I think shows lack of interest in really any other perspective than your own, as harsh as that sounds).

I would say first and foremost the next time you are actually talking to each other you need to find out what is going on in her life, and understand and be meaning it, and also understand that you have other support networks in your life that live closer and who can take on some other more daily/regular scheduled roles when you need them.

Yes it is your day you are planning and when you ask people to be a part of the planning they take on some role and focus on you, but remember that they all have lives and feelings too and there are ways of planning your wedding keeping other people in mind so that your demands or expectations or desires for support are not over the top and unrealistic and too demanding or one-way.

I do agree that pulling her out of MOH duty based on just what you've experienced so far, is definitely a good bye ticket to your friendship.

Good luck and congrats on your wedding!

Edited to add: on the one sided visiting, I have this situation with my best friend as well as my twin (my twin always comes out this way and my best friend never comes out to visit me) but I'm OK with that, our schedules are different , and speaking from experience working in a busy resort restaurant, I take the days off when I get them and I work on weekends. I don't expect my best friend to come out on weekends as would be best for her schedule with kids and work and busy times, but for me that wouldn't work. So on my days off I scoot over there.

There were also times when I was in between vehicles because one died and speaking from experience, planning a trip without a vehicle takes more effort and time and understanding- and I've never had family or friends give me a hard time about not coming to see them because I had no wheels at the time. No offense to you but I really think you need to be a bit less harsh on her for this vehicle thing. Again, if she's you know, without a license because she had a DUI and she expects everyone to drive her around, I can totally understand. People otherwise make choices to use public transit all the time that are environmental or financially based decisions and most definitely should not be judged or criticized. Like I said my best friend hasn't made it out to this place I now live in the past 7 years but I don't begrudge that at all- I of course love traveling and I get to see friends/family in the city, plus I would not expect her to as orchestrating her busy brood/schedule to make such a trip costs way more for her than for me (the ferry itself costs over 100 dollars for a vehicle and one person return- add a hubby and 2 children and a dog and /or making sitting arrangements for the animals while they come for a few days? Wouldn't even dream of holding not coming against her.

Answer 15

Change it now before it's too late!!! Tell her you're bumping her. From the looks of it this relationship is a one way street. I picked my daughter's Godmother because that girl was my best friend, but now I don't even talk to her. It's sad and I regret making that decision. So, don't make the same mistake. You don't want to look back at your pictures and say "oh, I don't talk to her anymore"...