Maid of "honor" not doing anything. what to do?

Question

I am getting oh so frustrated with my maid of honor. She lives a few hours away and has been absolutely a pain about being in my wedding. We've been best friends (or so I thought) for a long time now, and I'm really disappointed at her lack of concern. I'm not trying to sound selfish or bitchy, but I'm really hurt. First of all she keeps making comments about how she "doesn't have the money" as if she's the only one. So her mom paid for her dress. I've been on her for the last two months about getting shoes dyed and ordered and that's still not figured out either. (my wedding is in 6 weeks) She hasn't offered to do a shower OR a bachelorette party. Now my fiance's sister is planning it and I'm really kind of embarrassed because people are pitching in that aren't even in the wedding. I only have one other bridesmaid who is also not helping. I'm just so mad because I've always been there for my maid of honor, and she's acting like she's too busy and too broke to do anything....even though her mom is paying for it all. She's always spending her money on concerts or some new piercing or tattoo and it's so annoying. I don't want to start trouble or a fight right now, but I need to know how to let her know in a not so bitchy way that she needs to at least get her shoes taken care of. Eventually I would also like to let her know how disappointed I am about all of this. Just wondered if anyone has any ideas or hints that I can throw out to make her get my point and understand how much this hurts me. I have a feeling we will be going our separate ways after this.

Answer 1

First off don't be embarassed because other people are chipping in to give you a wedding shower.  Weddings (and all the stuff leading up to them) brings people together.  I'm sure they wouldn't be doing it if they truly didn't want to.

Yes it sounds like your MOH's spending priorities suck if she spends money on concerts/tattoos/piercings, but you know what thats her choice, she earns the money she can choose how to spend it.

I can understand her not wanting to hit her mom up too much, I'm sure she feels bad about that.

Why do the shoes even matter?  

If it really is bugging you then tell her honestly that this is important to you and when her wedding comes around you want to be there to support her in everything, and you wish she was a bit more involved with yours.  

Answer 2

Honestly, I would tell her in a nice way that you don't want her to be your MOH anymore. Try and give her the benefit of the doubt by saying that perhaps you weren't as clear as she would have liked when you asked her to be your MOH. However, let her know that this doesn't excuse her from her behavior regarding your wedding. Once that's done, I would make your fiance's sister your maid of honor. I know this may seem a lot of trouble - especially if the dress, shoes, etc. have been paid for. But, really it's worth the trouble.

I'd rather go to the trouble of getting the dress and stuff returned than deal with all that drama before the wedding. You deserve to be happy!  

Answer 3

tell her planning this wedding is making you very stressed and shes suppost to help you out and ease the stress but shes only making it worse

Answer 4

I am going through the same thing! But, get this I have two MOH and both of them are doing this to me.  I have been very upfront with them the past couple of days and told them if they don't get their act together the WILL NOT be in the wedding.  My wedding is two months away.  I have even told both of them that if I was in their shoes I would of done what needed to be done for them to have "their special day"  I guess their friendship doesn't mean the same to them as it does to you.  I was just honest with them and the bridezilla came out.  But, when your someone who has always been there for a friend..don't you want them to be there for you?  I would say cut them out.  I have been best friends with both girls for over ten years and I said "sorry but this isn't going to work...I need you to be there for me and I am sick of stressing over this...I already have enough to stress over and your not making it any easier" The both said they would get their act together.  But, it's been a week and theres no change so I am giving until the end of the month to get it right..if not it's goodbye to them..

Answer 5

I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult, but unfortunately oh so common, situation.  The people who answered that your wedding shouldn't be important to her are totally wrong: yes, it SHOULD be important to her, since she agreed to be your maid of honor.  That title comes along with the territory of helping out, and if someone is too broke or busy to help, they should say so right off the bat instead of giving you grief 6 weeks before your wedding.

It is now 7 months before my wedding, and my maid of honor hasn't done anything and has told me that "maid of honor is just a title". My bridesmaid is planning the shower, bachelorette party, everything, and the MOH is MIA.  So I'm pretty annoyed with her too.

As far as your situation goes, I think you are going to have to crack the whip on her.  Tell her that she has 1 week to get her shoes, and if it is still not done by then, you will have to ask someone else to step in.  It's really sad that she hasn't even TRIED to throw your showers, but at least you have someone who is taking care of that and who cares enough about you to put their own selfish needs aside for a little bit.

Good luck and congratulations on your wedding!!!

Answer 6

make plans to get together.  Start with lunch and then bring in wedding stuff like how everything si coming along.  Ask if she ordered the shoes or if she needs help, don't respond negatively if she says no.  Then let her know your SIL is planning the parties so if shed like to be involved to give her a call and you can offer the number.  If she still doesn't sound like she will participate, think it over if you really want her int eh wedding!  

Answer 7

Not to sound mean, but why not change the Maid of Honor to your fiance sister? She seems to being playing the part anyways...

Answer 8

Why should she drop everything for your wedding? I think you've totally overestimated how much people around you should care about your wedding. If she has her own stuff going on, why should she drop everything and rush off to get shoes dyed? I think you're being pretty selfish. Just because something is important to you, doesnt mean it is to her.

As far as her money goes, clearly she has different ideas about whats worth spending money on. But guess what- Its her money! Who are you to tell her how to spend it?

Your wedding isnt the centre of her universe- and nor should it be.

I'm getting you are pretty stressed and not seeing things in perspective. Just try and remember that your friendship means more to you than all these petty things. Even if she wears sneakers to your wedding, wouldnt that be better than 'going your separate ways' with an old friend?

Answer 9

ask ur fiance sister to be ur maid of honor

Answer 10

You need to talk to her, calmly and clearly, explain how her actions are affecting you and the friendship. She may not realise she is being such a problem.

Realistically though, choosing a maid of honour a few hours away is always going to be really difficult.