Making contact... Birthmothers...?

Question

As an Adoptive Parent through international adoption, I have very little information about my son's birthfamily. But, the adoption was completed in 2005, so it hasn't been too long... if you are a birthparent... how would you recommend contact from your son's adoptive parents once you have been found by the adoptive parents? (send a photo, letter, make call, etc.)

Answer 1

Hmmm.  This is tough to answer for another birthparent.  What would be right for me might be wrong for them.  But my advice is to send a letter, especially with the mention of the language barrier.  You have the chance to say exactly what you want to say, and nothing more.  A phone call might catch a birthparent off guard without a chance to think about what they mean to say.   But, I have to ask/mention, what are you contacting them for?  My point is not for you to post it, but to think about it.  What do you know about the adoption?  What were the birthparents intentions at the time?  Perhaps the birthfamily wishes to move on.  I know people don't like to hear that, but it is the truth, and needs to be said.  Not all birthparents are waiting in the wings for their child to come find them.  If you know or can guess that they do want contact, then I suggest a letter, as above.  I would not send a photo at this time.  If you get a letter, phone call, etc. back saying that they do want that type of contact, by all means, do whatever you all wish.  I do think you should send the letter, though, as they might be wishing for one.

Hope this helps~

Answer 2

I would prefer a letter first.  A phone call would put me on the spot, per say.  I wouldn't send a photo unless they want it.

Answer 3

Making contact from adoptive parent to birth parent is a very difficult thing to accomplish and it may be the wrong thing to do.  I am a birth mother and I would have flipped out had I heard from the adoptive parents.  I have met my daughter and her adoptive mother (her adoptive father had passed away) when my daughter was 36 years old.  The contact requests were from both of us, mother and daughter and never from the adoptive parent.

Believe me, if the birth parents or mother is looking for anything else but her child...beware the reasoning.  Both of you would be putting your child in emotional jeopardy by doing so.  There's really nothing you need to know about the birth mother or father, if he is known.  This request for contact or knowledge must come from the child at a reasonable age so they realize the consequences of such an action.  I know you'll say you'd like to know of any medical facts you may need in the future and other things but it's not up to you to make that contact.  If you'd like to "talk" about it....feel free to e-mail me.  Good luck!

Answer 4

When I found my birthdaughter, I send a somewhat formal letter, saying I had lost contact with and was looking for someone born on jan ** 1972, in b****** CA . I asked if she could be this person, and would she contact me at (my phone #) (my email) (my address). I went out of state for 3 weeks and the saturday after I got home, the phone rang and I knew it was her, then I heard her voice and she has my voice. It was amazing.

If you know someone who speaks the language, I would have an interpreter help you write it. Possibly the same letter in both languages. Good luck.