Making the call?

Question

I am helping my husband find his birth father. We have a name and general location to were he lived, but do not know how to proceed. My husband is 41, and his dad would be about 60. I am not sure if he is even alive anymore.

Any suggestions...should I just look up the numbers and start calling? What do I say? I am not sure he would want to talk to us. He and my husbands mother were married for a short time and seperated shortly after the birth. Two years later, he was adopted by anouther man. I am not sure though, because from what grampa said, she has many boyfriends and was a real "freindly" person, so who knows if this guy is really his dad anyway.

Any suggestions on how to proceed?

Thanks!

Answer 1

Be prepared. Have him write down what he'd like to say. Even if it's not exactly what he ends up saying, it will help.  Most importantly, have him prepare emotionally. What does your husband want & expect from this?  How will he handle disappointment or possible rejection?  I prepared myself so that by the time I made contact, I knew if a door was closed in my face, it was being closed on the past or the pain & not on ME personally.  It's OK to hope for a happy outcome. Be open.  

When I first got information about my birth father, he lived in another state. I didn't have a phone number. I considered writing him a letter.  However, I didn't know if his wife might open his mail.  I didn't want to disrupt his family life or cause him trouble.

A distant relative had compiled a family genealogy. He sent a more recent address & phone number for my birth father. By then, he was living in the same state as me. The information provided included a birth date, parents names, etc.  Based on the birth date, it was likely the man was my birth father.

I called the number & my birth father answered. I asked him if he remembered a woman named Joan. He said he did. I told him that she'd had a daughter, said that I was that daughter, & I asked him if he'd mind providing me with a medical history.  He said he'd be happy to, then said, "I'd like to meet you."  I was stunned!  I'd expected him to deny I was his from what my birth mother remembered.  Apparently, she'd forgotten that he'd asked her to marry him.  

It's difficult to figure out just what to say. I practiced over & over what I wanted to say to my birth mom, too. In the end, the circumstances surrounding the call somewhat dictated the conversation that took place.

I met a 1/2 sister first, who called our mom, told her "there's someone here you want to talk to" & handed the phone to me.  I asked, "Did you have a daughter on (day, month, year)?"  To which, she replied, "Yes".  Then I said, "I'm that daughter."

Best of luck! Send me an e-mail. I'll be happy to send along more ideas.

Answer 2

I think that if you call, you should call for him. I think it would be a lot less threatening to his father on the other end than.. Hi, I'm your son. When I found my birth mother I had a friend call and he asked if this was "Diane" and if she had given a baby up for adoption "blank" years ago.

The best way though would be to find his address and write a letter. That way he would have time for it all to sink in. Even though I found my birth mother by phone, we did the pen pal thing until we were ready to meet.

Answer 3

when i got my contact info... i wrote and re-wrote the letter i was going to send to my birth mom, until one day i just took a deep breathe and mailed it 2 days later i got a call from her sister. we met and i found 3 sisters and a brother and a birth mother. just getting over that first step is the hardest but its worth the answers... good luck

Answer 4

Read the guide Heather H gave you  I found it extremely en-lighting.

Answer 5

Here's a guide you might find useful.  

http://www.bmom.net/page16.htm

All the best

Answer 6

I know my thoughts on biological fathers, greatly differs from most posters. My daughters adoption was contested by the man who raped me. He was my manager and I didn't mince words when I told his parents, and where I worked. Naturally, I was fired. His story changed according to whoever he was talking to. I was "friendly" at work and slept with everyone at work.... COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY NOT TRUE. He told his parents that he couldn't have done it because he had major surgery on his leg a few weeks before and was in too much pain.... Blah, blah, blah....

In order to clear his name, his parents funded an attempt to contest the adoption and asked for DNA testing. They were just trying to clear his name at work. His parents KNEW I was lying. Guess who the "daddy" was? Yep, the only person I'd been with for years, in the sense of it was RAPE. I came to (out of my sleep) as he finished his business. I have a sleep disorder and was on heavy medication and drinking didn't help. I do want to note that a woman should never go into an apartment with someone she doesn't want to have s*x with and for goodness sake don't drink and take sleep medication. Even if you know and trust the person. That was my mistake. "No may mean no", but it's best to stay out of precarious situations. I stayed because I had been drinking. I went to sleep with clothes on.

Back to the point. I'm afraid that my daughter will one day think that he must have wanted her, more than me, because of this court case. How will I ever be able to tell her, the truth?

What does his mother say? I just feel for the mother and I can't believe the grandfather would say something like that, unless he wants to discourage him from looking because he knows that what he might find will bring pain.

Then again, I'm not adopted, and he is an adult. It's his own truth. Maybe he needs to know. Secrets and lies. It all begins with adoption. Things need to change.....

Answer 7

I am an adoptee and was given the name and address of my birth grandfather. (I looked up his phone number to).

I choose to right a 3 page letter.Since I was searching for over 12 years I had plenty of time to compose a letter in my mind.

I handwrote it on letterhead filled with personal pictures of me growing up. I explained who I was and why I was searching. I also asked him to direct me to someone who might be willing to establish a relationship with me if not himself.

My grandmother wrote me back 4 months after first contact. A year later, my half sister. My bio mother doesn't want to speak with me.

What you might consider rejection from my bio mother has actually been a positive experience. I can understand so much more now that I am in my thirties and a mother myself, the pain she suffered as a young teen.

Had I found her when I was younger, and really "needed" to know that she loved me; her reaction would have been devestating. I matured, became confident in the woman I had grown into, even without a birth family. So the contact I have had, has been a blessing beyond measure. I have pictures of my bio family and a medical history for the first time in my life.

I don't think any adoptee should go into a first contact situation trying to complete themselves. If you are trying to fill a void or are needy. That's not the time to try to establish a relationship with a stranger. However, if you are confident and content in you life (even if you never had the opportunity to say "thank you" or "did you think about me?"); then you are stable enough for a first contact situation.

My suggestion:

Do it by letter. They can't hang up. You aren't imposing in their life at a "bad time" AND they have time to process who you are. AND if there is rejection - it's most often in the form of silence, which to me is better than bitter words that would forever ring in your ears.

Best of luck.

adoptee and adoptive mommy

Answer 8

I disagree with above poster, your husband should make contact. It is rather important in the journey of seeking one's parent(s) that the  person take those steps himself. He should look up numbers and start calling. I realize that can be scary, or any number of incredibly emotional things - but this is his journey to take. Support him, but don't do it for him.

It would be good for him to seek the support of other people who have been estranged from a parent.

check out https://www.adoptioncrossroads.org for support and search advise.