Marriage, pregnancy, adoption, my head hurts!?

Question

Ok, here is the delema. I really want kids someday, my longtime boyfriend thinks it isnt the best idea, for the fact he likes to take trips and do what he wants to do when he wants to do it. Infact he was so sure he didnt want kids he got a vasectomy before we got together. its been a few years since we have been together and we are thinking about marriage, but the kids thing is stalling us. I cant marry him if it will mean no family ever. It would be hard to reverse the vasectomy now, but I really want us to try. He think it would be better to adopt a child thats a few years old so we would both be happy, i would get a kid and he wouldnt have to deal with a crying baby. Should i fight for a natural baby, leave him, or hope that adoption will go thru. Has anyone here been thru an adoption process, do you love the child the same as your own, should i reavaluate the whole situation? \there are no adoptees in my fam to talk with this about. Thanks, only serious answers please.

Answer 1

Adoption is NOT the same as bio. Google the primal wound, for further explanation.

leave the relationship if you want children, no child should ever be purchased as a comprimise.

My childhood with my adoptive family is VERY different than the natural bond I have with my child who is my own flesh and blood.

Answer 2

If he had a vasectomy so he could never have kids pretty much says it all.  My guess is that he would never pass a home study for adoption.

I sure as heck would not place a child with anyone who had a medical procedure to guarantee that he never had kids "so he do when he wants to do it". That is a pretty S****y reference for a parent.

Answer 3

If having a child of your own is a strong desire, you could end up resenting your boyfriend if it never happens.  It all depends on what you want.

I have several close friends who are adopted, and their parents loved them the same as if they were their own.  Adopted children always wonder about their natural parents, and sooner or later will want to know them.  Be prepared, if you decide to adopt, to tell your child that you were blessed with adoption.  They'll appreciate you more in the long run.

Answer 4

I will be blunt if this man does not want children then you need to find a man who does want kids. Even if you adopted an older child, older children can come with issues and baggage. I’m just saying that because from your boyfriends comment of no crying baby , it makes me think that he thinks an older child would be easier. Being a parent is not easy whether the child is adopted or natural, whether the child is a baby or older.   If you truly want to have a biological child then you should also find another guy. Of course nothing guarantees a natural child even if a guy has not had a vasectomy.  The success rate of vasectomy reversal depends on how long the guy has had it. The highest chance (76%)is if its been less than 3 years.  3to 8 years(53%).

I would say most adoptive parents  love their adopted child like their own, that said  some don’t.  Adoption is not for everybody, just like having children period is not for everybody.

Answer 5

I was adopted when I was born by my Aunt and Uncle. My biological parents were way too young to take care of me. (my mom was 14 and idk about my "so called biological father").

My parents kept me being adopted a secret for almost 18 years. Until I finally asked them about it... It broke their heart for me to find that I was adopted out.... They cried and said the only reason that they didn't tell me is because they didn't want me to hate them.

I don't hate them, I respect them a whole lot more... and love them... and thank them for giving me a better life than my little brothers have.

I only found out that I was adopted last October... 2007

Btw. I always knew my biological parents but I grew up knowing them as my couisns... My little brothers were my little cousins... but now everyone knows and we (my whole family) are closer than ever.

Answer 6

usually the kid issue is about more than kids there is a certian pace of life that you want to have and that he wants to have. You say you want a family but look at the family you are going to have a mother and child and wife and husband. Thats not a family that two small but distinct families. This is probablly the hardest thing you have to do but I would say leave your beloved as it seems you two are headed in very different directions in life and even if you do adopt or get impregnated by another means the pace of life and the two different directions even each others basic ideas of what life would be different. Think about when you are 75/80 your ideal surroundings include you being surrounded by childeren and grandchildern and that is not his, it just simply isn't, you can't change that. Even if the child didn't cry or whatever his other reasons for right now are getting a vasectomy is a pretty strong statement about what he wants in his life and to be quite litterial what he doesn't.  And maybe you want to hold on for right now but your biological clock is ticking and you are playing a dangerous games with your heart if you think that you can hold on for just right now and leave when you want to thats crazy its only going to get harder and more confusing. When the path that you are going down is not one that you want. My favorite saying is that you may always be able to leave your path but how deep in the forest have you gotten before you must the spend presious time trying to get out just to start on the right one from the begining is presious time you could have had at the end of your journey. This is in no way easy but you have to make the deicsion now. Good luck-God's speed.

Answer 7

I say you need some really good premarital counseling! This is not something you can hash out later after the wedding! He seems very sure about the no kids thing if he went a head and had a vasectomy, and thinking that you maybe able to change his mind later seems foolish, and even if you are able to talk him in to adopting he may grow to resent you and the child as he has to give up more and more of his free time! Some men are just not father material and at least he is willing to admit it unlike many other men who just walk out on their families when they realize it!

If having kids really is important to you then you should not settle!

Answer 8

Well personally i think if you really love your boyfriend then i say stay with him and support his decision not to have a "baby" and have a child then that should be good. But also adoption can be a wonderful thing i mean just think about it taking a child that had a bad family and giving it a loving family it would be wonderful i want to have 3 of my own and 2 adopted

Answer 9

You cannot make someone want children, nor should you.  It would be totally unfair to him and totally unfair to ANY child, biological or adopted, to bring them into a situation where their father doesn't want them around.

You need to leave him or give up your dream of having children.

Answer 10

my parents told me that once they got to know me (or you when get to know the child) you think of him/her like your own. you know that the baby has birth parents but you feel like you had them without all the pain of actually giving birth. think about if you really want to carry a baby inside of you for 9 month with all the mood-swings and everything else that comes along like frequent trips to the bathroom shortness of breath and when you you go to have the baby the screaming pain of it all even with a C section and a C section they put a needle in your back... if you still want to give birth to your own baby then talk to him about how mush you want you own baby and if you still want to give birth to a baby leave him but if you don't want to go threw the pain of having a baby then adopting an older child would be nice because most of the time when children get older people don't want them so they live out their lives moving from adoption to adoptin until they can move out and sometimes if they don't get families they can become mean but like i said think about it first (i am only 14 so i don't really know about babies or adopting yet but I'm an adoptee and I've leaned a lot from paying attention in school and Mrs. B tell us about having her kids)

Answer 11

Truthfully, this decision has to be yours. I, myself, am adopted. I was adopted when I was 12 (I had lived with them 4 years prior to that though) and thankful for it. They had always wanted a girl, and they weren't able to have one. My Mom says that it doesn't matter whether or not a child is blood-related or not, the moment that child is in your arms and you know that the child is yours and that no one can take it away from you, you forget about everything else.

Now, to the more serious part. Like it or not, adoption agencies want to make sure that the home environment is stable. It would be best to be married. Also, they will look to see if your financial situation is steady and if you have the resources to provide a good and nurturing home to a child. They will check to see if your husband and you are fit to parent children. The cost of adoption varies. Also, realize that if you want a newborn or baby, you might have to wait a bit longer. It would be easier to adopt one from overseas. Even then, you will have to make numerous trips to visit the child.

My husband I are also considering adoption. We don't want more than two children, and we both want a girl. We are planning on having one ourselves and adopting the second child. I remember how lucky I felt to finally have parents that would keep me forever. They loved me and would do anything for me. I finally had a family. Naturally, I would want to adopt a baby, as close to a newborn as possible. Why? I want to be there to witness the first time it smiles, sits up, crawls, walks, says it first word, etc. I don't want to miss any of those events.

Also, typically men change their minds on children once they see their own child after the birth. It isn't "real" to them until then.

Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him your true feelings and tell him everything. Depending on the ages of both of you, he might not feel ready for children yet. Then again, if he feels that strongly about not having children, perhaps it is better if you tell him it might be best to wait for married.

Marriage is not a laughing matter. It isn't something one should rush into. In either case, good luck. :) Take your time, but let him know how you feel. Open lines of communication are best.

Answer 12

Well, adoption may ultimately be a path that works for both of you, but you have a lot of researching of adoption to do first.  You need to understand the affect a child's losses and previous experiences will have on him or her.  You absolutely should assume adopting a toddler or older child will be A LOT MORE work than a newborn.  As far as whether your desire is to be a parent or your desire is to have a biological child, that is something you need to investigate within yourself, and you certainly shouldn't adopt until you are sure that that is what you want and you are prepared to meet an adopted child's needs.  I think you sound like you are just starting to figure things out and know you have a long way to go, so just make sure you do go through the process of thoroughly educating and preparing yourself if you are to adopt.  It also sounds like your relationship needs to be in a much more secure place.

Some books to start out with -

The Primal Wound

Parenting the Hurt Child

Toddler Adoption:  A Weaver's Craft

Answer 13

This is going to sound selfish but you need to think of your own happiness here. If giving birth yourself is important to you in a relationship, you have the right to be with someone who can share that experience with you. Marriage is a huge step, and children should be a mutual decision. It doesn't sound like it's a mutual decision right now; he made the decision for you before you even got together by getting a vasectomy (personally, I find that pretty selfish). Think of why you want children in the first place - then, if you find that you just can't be ENTIRELY happy with adoption, you may want to leave him. Because that's all he'll be able to offer you. I wish you luck.

Answer 14

If he felt so strongly about not having children  that he had a vasectomy my answer is he is not the man for you.

I am sure he has went out of his way to tell you he does not want children. Older children cry too, not just babies.

By the way there is nothing wrong with him for not wanting to have children and there is nothing wrong with you for wanting children. I just think you two are incompatible....why has it taken so long for you to realize this?

Best of luck :-)

ETA

GRAPES is right....someone who has this much indifference towards children would surely never pass a homestudy.

Answer 15

Sounds like you want to go threw the baby deal, I don't think he will love another kid the way he would love his own but it dose cost a lot to get thing reversed on a man, But it sounds like he's never wanted kids anyways so you would be better off to let someone impregnate you this way it would have at least you as a bio parent.. I think when a man get his jewls chopped on then he's pretty adamant on staying that way. Most adopted kids come out hate full I know this for a fact.. ttyl

Answer 16

All I can say is if you think you really want a biological child then end it now.  You need to find someone who wants the same thing you do.  Adoption is a wonderful option also, if you don't feel that need to be pregnant.  I loved the first few years of my children's lives and often think of them as a positive experience (even the sleepless nights, special formula, acid reflux, and milk allergy), I wouldn't change one thing about those years.

Answer 17

Please rethink your relationship with this man. This is a very important decision and a central part of your lives. If you want children, find someone else who does too. I believe a man who says he does not want children and then has a vasectomy to prove it. Don't think he will change, because he won't. Also he is probably just trying to stall with the idea of adoption.

I have adopted a daughter and adopting again. Both older children. These kids come with lots of issues and if your husband and you are not fully supportive of this idea, they will tear your relationship up. The children will need your undivided attention to make them believe that life can be good. When I adopted my first daughter, I was sure my boyfriend and I could still make it. Less than 6 months later he walked out after 10 years together. I did not even shed a tear when he left because I knew I had made the right choice in adopting.

There are a lot of yahoo groups about adoption and most people will be very frank with you about it. Check out some of them and ask your questions because lots of people have been through what you are going through.

Please take your time to make your decision for your sake and also for your future children. You sound like you would be  a great mom and feel like you need to experience what your want.

Take care.