Marriage in crisis!?

Question

Although we have had some ups and downs in our marriage, nothing major but it isnt how i want it to be and i dont know if i can carry on. My husband says he loves me, wants to be with me etc but the words dont match the actions. I should point out the actions made me question him about wanting to be with me to which he said yes, it wasnt of his own bat!! He does suffer from depressive episodes and says he feels like he isnt completely stable mentally but not enough to be medicated or counselled which he would have to wait for months anyway. Its just that to the outside world he seems to be Mr Wonderful, all caring,tall strong patient, kind etc but behind closed doors he isnt a lot of the time. He recently told me he is happy with me and our kids but also feels he should be doing more and there should be more to life. He often looks like he is mad about something and often it seems like we irritate him for silly things. I feel like i am walking on eggshells. We dont have a brilliant social life but he says he is ok with that but he often seems bored. I feel like i need more reassurance from him but i cant ask him because he basically says 'Im here arent I' His mum or gran will ring or visit and he will be the perfect son/grandson to their face but then when he has put the phone down he will moan about the time they ring or how long they were talking for.

Then out of the blue after being so cold generally he will hug me, say i really love you and everything will be great.

I cant cope with this emotional rollercoaster. I veer from thinking at least i will have emotional stability if i get out but thinking of him being with someone else tears me apart. I just want him to be affectionate towards me generally, make me feel valid to his life and to stop being this jekyl and hyde character. Funny thing is no-one outside these four walls would believe any of this.

Answer 1

This is a tough one. No one can really give you an exact answer, it is ultimatly up to you.

I am 17 and my mum is seriously going through the EXACT same thing. My dad is always angry, controlling, aggressive and goes off over little things.No one else sees it, he acts completly different in front of anyone outside the family. Everyone thinks my mum is being unreasonable but she really isn't. He isn't living with us anymore, my mum tried giving him a couple of numbers to get anger managment but he never went and always said (still does) that she is the problem, not her. She tried telling him maybe they should spend a few months apart and see if they miss each other after that period of time but he would never go and always be sarcastic. So one day after having enough, she packed all his things into boxes and changed the locks. Still he hasn't really changed and it's been 4-5 months. I am actually glad he is not here, i always feel on edge and my mental state changes whenever he used to come home and still when he comes to see me now i hate it. I'm not sure how old your kids are but you should ask them how they feel as well to know your not the only one. Maybe trying councelling together for you and your husband. By doing it together he will know you are not cornering him alone. You can always improve even though it may be in different areas. My dad went with my mum about 1-2 months ago to see a councelor and he walked out after 30 mins after being sarcastic saying " you two seem to be getting along well, im not needed here". From that, the councel saw how he behaves and was able to give her better advice on what to do about the whole thing. I look at other fathers and think " i want my dad to be like that, why does he have to act like he does". He really needs a wake up call and to open his eyes or i'm worried your children might grow up feeling as i do. The best thing a man can do for his children is love his wife. It is extremly important for the parents to set an example and be the role models. And when he says, " i'm here arn't i". Thats being sarcastic and is not fair towards you. You need to calmly and clearly express how you feel about what he says. One day he might just go too far. If you don't act now it isn't a matter of if if will something bad will happen, it's when. He will only get worse as he ages as i have seen my dad. I am actually terrified of my dad when he gets angry cuz he might over react and do something he will regret. That isn't a feeling i would wish for anyone.

Now is the time to take it further and really put your marrage under the magnifying glass.

Robert Lewis Stevenson wrote: You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?

Know that if you don't get the outcome your hoping for, you will be ok.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not quite, the not yet, and the not at all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours. (I took this out of Ayn Rands book Atlas Shrugged)

Good luck.

Answer 2

Its obvious that you love this man so leaving is not really an option. You need to sit him down and make clear to him that he makes you feel pretty worthless and that you cannot relax as you don't know what is coming next, this cannot be a good atmosphere for your children. He admits that he feels mentally unstable, my issue here is that he obviously has enough control over his moods and behavior to hide this from everyone outside the home.

You need to insist that he speak to someone, even if it is only the family doctor, tell him you and the children cannot go on living like this.

Answer 3

don't listen to 'Lucifer' ...  

Answer 4

Kill him and bury the body in the woods. NO ONE CAN KNOW ABOUT THIS! It'll be cathartic.

Answer 5

Due to his lack of attention and seeming unhappy most of the time, you naturally question him about him wanting to be with you . . . his reply has me curious 'it wasn't of his own bat'.  Does that mean he had no choice?  

Depressive episodes are a problem, for him and those close to him.  And he admits that he 'isn't completely mentally stable'.  I think a professional should be the one to decide if he needs medication and/or counselling.  To say he has to wait for months is an excuse.  He clearly has mood swings, thats why you feel like you're walking on egg shells, cos you never know which way he's going to swing.  Of course he's ok with not having a good social life - he doesn't want one because he's depressed.  What about what you and your children want.  He's putting on a brave face to the outside world (incl his Mum and Gran) and thats what so many depressed people do. Its amazing how someone depressed can cover and hide how they are really feeling.

I believe the hugs you get from him when he's been so cold is due to the fact that he knows he's been distant from you, and is trying to make up for that.  I feel for him and I feel for you.  You will never get the affection and the feeling of love and security in the marriage while he is depressed.  I'm outside your four walls and I believe you.  I also believe that he's not telling you all thats going on in his head.  

Do all you can to seek help for him, and support for yourself.  There has to be some resource out there where you can seek advice etc, as the partner of someone with a mental illness.  Look in the white pages, or on-line.

Your local community centre is a good start.  When my marriage broke up 8 yrs ago I went to my local community centre (Rockdale, NSW) and received free counselling for myself and our two kids (10 and 7 at the time), as my former husband had behavioural issues.

You obviously love him, as you say it tears you apart to think of him with someone else.  Look, really go for some help and things will improve for sure ... better for everyone all round.

All the best.

Answer 6

Get rid of him. It is obvious that you do not want to endure his mental defects. And why should you? Find someone else.

Answer 7

i feel that you are really worried about your marriage, one thing i wish to share with you, men have a habit of tuning on & off their moods. they are not stable in nature, they keep changing every day, so wifes sometimes get affected due to this, one day hubby is hugging, other day he is not responding even on simple matters, if you have read the book, men are from Mars women are from Venus, in that book it is described that men go to their secret caves often, after somedays they become alright. So, i think you should give him some space, do not talk much, let him do whatever he wants to do, only when you talk to him, talk nicely. Slowly he will come to you himself.

Answer 8

Actually he can talk about this problems to his family doctor.  It's surprising how medication can help and it doesn't take long to notice.  The ups and down sound like a possible bi-polar problem.  The only way is an assessment-please get him for a visit to your family doctor and he can give him medication while he waits for an assessment.  Besides, you have to set up an appointment and three weeks or have even long you have to wait is going to come around whether or not you make an appointment or not.  At least you have that to look forward to -like light at the end of the tunnel.  Good Luck and hang in there-he just needs help.  

Answer 9

He may be suffering from a mild case of depression, bipolar, or just anxiety.  He needs to get some mild medication to help him.  No matter how long it takes, get him on the list for it.  He will be happier, and everyone else will be too.  Don't lose the man you love over a chemical imbalance in his brain.  It is not his fault, but it can be helped.

It does not seem severe, so please tell him to tell the doctor not to over medicate him.  He should not be a zombie, but rather, a more relaxed, patient person.

Answer 10

Best thing would be that u & him sit down & hav a long chat about this. Tell him openly how u feel & what ur goin thru because of his actions. its not just u he's tormenting but in turn the kids as well. try to find a solution instead of trying to run away from it. Send him out for counsellings if the situation gets worse, i know it will be tough but be by his side & get him thru this, u love him & so does he, its his behavioral patterns that r causing problems in ur relationship. Get help, help him & help urself too... best of luck....