Marriage woos and one very confused wife.?

Question

After 10 years of marriage, my husband tells me he's confused about our marriage, says I was too controlling in the relationship, he wants to make his own decisions in life, needs space, isn't happy, and doesn't know what he wants. I have been working on my part of the marriage by listening to him, and respecting his decisions, and giving him room (checking into a hotel for a bit). I found out he was chatting with a girl he met while I was out of town. I read his text messages and text her back with his phone, (of course her thinking it was him), and both have not mentioned any infidelity. But it's still hard for me to believe, since he has been sneaking out of the house late at night to meet up with her for drinks. After getting caught, he promised he wouldn't see her but few days later he did, and when he got caught, he tried to blame it on me by saying that I caused him to seek another person for attention since I never made time for him. He says that she listens and understands him, and that he still doesn't know what he wants from our marriage. He's got me on limbo and I'm pregnant. He now tried to move out for a bit and now he already wants to come back home but I found out he was still chatting with this girl while he was out of the house. I've told him I'm hurt and how I'm feeling. He keeps telling me that nothing happened and that she's just a friend that he needs to talk to about his marriage problems. I want to believe him, I want our marriage to work after 10 years and another baby on the way, but I don't know if my state of mind can be repaired after all the mistrust I've just been through. I have NEVER doubted him in my 10 years of marriage until now, and boy was my "instinict" telling me something was up. I don't know what to do anymore. I haven't talked to my friends and family b/c I know they will take my side, and I don't need sides right now, I just need to hear an honest opinion.

Answer 1

If you want to take him back and think you can trust him again, go for it. But honestly, the female "friend" has to go. This needs to be a condition of coming back home. It's either you and your family or her.

Answer 2

My opinion is that he has lost interest. He found something or someone that got him exited again. The best advice I could give you is to seek marriage counseling.  

Answer 3

After ten years of marriage he should be able to sit down and talk to you better then anyone he knows.  If he is confused it's because he has feelings for this other woman.  If there was nothing there he wouldn't mind stopping his "Friendship" with her.  Trust is really hard to build after something like that.  It takes a lot of time and even so, you'll always have it in the back of your mind as well as suspicious of things that he does.  I can understand with having another baby on the way and after so long you'd want this to work.  For lack of better words, be selfish.  Ask yourself what you want.  Not what you should do.  Life is too short to be in something that doesn't make you happy.

Answer 4

A man (or woman) that cheats the second time will do it the third and fourth and so on.  I had a similar thing happen after 30 years of marriage.  He sought the divorce saying that God told him to do so.  It was very difficult and still is at times; however, I am free from the control he exerted over me, his cheating heart and so many other issues.  I will never seek a relationship again - BUT - I am so much better off to be out of that one.  

Consider whether he is the example you want your children to have as a father and man of the house?  If your children are boys is he what you want them to become?  If your children are girls does he provide the example of how you want them to be treated?  The children will learn from the example you have in your home.  Now is the time you can establish that example by what you allow to happen in your home.

Good luck and God Bless you.

Answer 5

Infidelity is a symptom, not a cause.  Will your husband go to counseling with you?  

Answer 6

You may as well start confiding in your family because it's only going to go downhill from here. I hate being the bearer of bad news but you are playing his game... This is how I read it, he's a coward because he doesn't want to admit he wants out for now. By playing this game he's avoiding all the normal responsibility that goes with being a good husband and father. And whats worse; you are allowing it to happen! Based on what you've said so far you both are headed for the boiling point and that could be extremely bad for you and kids. Emotions have no logic and that's where you are now, just think about what you are allowing to transpire and I think you'll come to your senses. After several failed marriages I think I was the expert at BS and your husband sounds like he is attending one of my "Feel sorry for me because I don't want to be married today" classes. You have to be concerned about your feelings, look at it this way: You can't care for others if you don't care for yourself... This whole thing is unhealthy.

Answer 7

If he needs to talk about his marrage problems he should be doing it with a counsler not some girl he met online. Sneaking out of the house is just wrong. I believe there is more to this story then he is telling you. He is trying to blame you because he does not want to accept responsibility for his own actions. He needs to stop talking to this other girl and focus on the relationship he has with you or you both need to move on because with all these lies your relationship will suffer.

Answer 8

You didn't say if what he said is true that you're too controlling in your relationship. Is he somewhere around 40? Maybe it's a mid-life crisis kind of thing.

I can't imagine you giving him room by checking into a hotel. He should have been the one to do that. And with him sneaking out not only once or twice, but continuously! Well, first of all, it doesn't seem that he's not serious about ending that relationship. Secondly, if he wants someone to talk to about your marriage problems, then go to a counsellor together.

If you want to save your marriage, you've got to be brave and tell him that if keeps on seeing that other girl, then your marriage is over. (You know the girl's number so why don't you call her and tell her to leave your husband alone and that you are patching things up).

Ask your husband how you can help him get through this stage in his life. Give him time and space, but don't overdo it. Be firm and give him some sort of a deadline.

I think you're right in not talking about this to your family, but you should consider asking help from your friends. If you ask them not to take sides, then they won't. They'll probably even help both of you out! Have you tried asking his best friend for help?  

Answer 9

He needs to talk to you about the problems in the marriage not her.

Answer 10

Looks like he might be searching for reasons to blame you for his guilt. Be sure that you and he both know that it takes two to have and lose a marriage. Seek marraige counseling and go by yourself if he doesn't want to go.  

Answer 11

Honestly, your husband is disrespecting you and blaming you for his problems. If you are willing to try you need to get him into counseling with you. If he is unwilling to go he obviously has no intention of trying to make things work. He is acting like a child.

I would not take him back. I was married once and went through that and will never do it again. Once the trust is gone its very hard to get back. Do you want to be unhappy with him the rest of your life and probably go through this again or do you want to get on with your life and raise your child responsibly? You will get over the pain of a divorce, you might be in for years of hurt sticking by him.  

Answer 12

honest opinion, right now he doesnt care about you.

nothing you say or do will get through to him , UNLESS

unless you get angry, pack a bag for him and tell him YOU DON"T DESERVE THIS,

he will leave, maybe go stay with the other woman, maybe not,

and maybe he will come to his senses, maybe he won't

but then you won't be having to deal with his cheating anymore either,

he will have to pay you ailimony because of being married more then 10 years,

and he is the one cheating.

then perhaps you take a deep breath and find another guy.

Or he will pull his head out of his pocket and come home to you.

But don't count on it.

OR show him the movie unfaithful with Richard Geir, about the wife cheating, the busband killing the guy, and the wife sticking by him........