Married, not in love with my husband.. Never cheated, but is it fair for my husband?

Question

I got married about a year ago, my husband was the only person I thought about all the time. This ¨admiration¨ for him faded as he rejected my family (he is white, i´m hispanic). He used to drink, hated my taste... He is a jealous person, even threatened to kill me if I ever cheated on him. We went to a party from my company and met my coworkers for the first time. After we left, he went completely crazy and said that my g*y friend was totally not g*y and he was hitting on me. We drove for about an hr and he told me that he wanted me to leave him, and a lot of other hurtful stuff. I´m still with him... he apologized and says will change. I really want him to change... but I don´t love him anymore.... Advice?

Answer 1

If the love is gone, it's time for you to get a divorce.  Especially before there's any children brought into this relationship.  If you think he will hurt you if you tell him.  Then, write him a letter and then leave and go to your family.

Answer 2

Ok first thing you throw up there that your hispanic like it makes a difference on what he thinks of your family, big clue here miss thing, he married you he doesn't have a problem with hispanics.  

It couldnt just be that your family dislikes him and acts really bad towards him because he isn't hispanic, now could it, get real your family is the problem there.

He used to drink but hated your taste in alcoholic beverages? So? My wife and I have different tastes she gets what she likes, i get what i like.  Or are you actually complaining that he quit drinking?  Wow that's messed up, people generally look at someone quitting the booze as a good thing.

Him being jealous is normal, most men are and most men would most definitely think about killing their wives for cheating on them.  As far as the party, yea the g*y guy was probably acting like a g*y guy and playing with your hair and stuff and that probably set him off.  Heck you'd probably go balastic on him just for saying excuse me to another woman.  People are jealous, unless he's knocking you around cause you might have flirted with someone theres no problem with his jealousy.

People say a lot of things in anger that they don't mean, get over it, get over yourself too.  Why should he change.

Actually the more i think about it, you brang up the hispanic thing, makes me wonder if you only married him to gain U.S. Citizenship, and now that you have it your looking for a way out of the marriage without loosing it.

Answer 3

sweetheart it sounds like you have a control freak for a husband, if the love has gone there really is only one alternative, marriage is hard enough when you love someone with all your heart, you can forgive them almost anything, but when there is no love it is h**l, you will be looking for his faults not noticing his good points and this will probably cause constant rows, if you are afraid of his threats to kill you can't you get support from your family. Not all men are like this, there are some good men out there that would love and cherish you and sweetheart you deserve a lot better than you are getting. Good luck and keep safe.

Answer 4

you need to end it but do it the correst way-i dont want you to get hurt in thr process, staying in this marriage is not fair for either of you, get out but have people with you and around you at all times. i don't trust some of the things he has said to you

Answer 5

if the love is gone, there is nothing more left to say

he is being 100% disrespectful to u AND ur family

he disrespected u by not accepting ur friends

hes controlling and jealous

and clealry ur not happy

i dont know what ur waiting for

these warning signs shudve been visible from day one when u got with him

i wud suggest u leave him since u have no kids (since u didnt mention them) and its only been 1 yr ... get out now before its too late

Answer 6

the first thing u r waiting that he leaves u, and then u ll be so sad. if not what u r waiting to happen. miracle?

Answer 7

I'd say he deserves far better then you.  You should be grateful that he took pity on you and married you.

Answer 8

well you should talk to him in a serious way and see if he still loves u or not and if it seems like he doesnt then i say u should file a divorce case and either get him outta ur life or juss make friends with him,and if i were u i would deffinately leave him because familia should ALWAYS come 1st and if he doesnt accept urs u should find

someone who would and someone who u DO love.

Answer 9

if you don't  love him go get what you waiting on ?

Answer 10

He's a jerk and will not change. He's jealous and possessive and he will not ever change. If you don't have any children, leave him. Period. Your family will not be allowed to have part in your children's lives. He will become more possessive if you do have children. It's not worth it. You probably have grounds for an annulment. Please just go. It will be hard but you deserve better. I have a very very jealous husband too, but I stuck with it and we have 3 children and he won't let them hardly have friend unless I"m there, they can't go to friends' houses alone, etc...it drives me nuts. I can't go out   dancing with my girlfriends, etc...it's crazy. BUT he's not possessive to the point of controlling, I just go do other things with my girlfriends and have my children's friends over here instead. But I am telling you right now, my hubby was this way since I've known him. He hasn't changed and won't change and yours won't either.Leave him now before you have kids and find a man who understand and accepts your culture and is not so jealous of you.

Answer 11

You may want him to change but he won't.  I think you should listen to him and leave unless you want to spend the rest of your life with a man you don't love and who is jealous and suspicious.

Answer 12

Divorce his crazy ***.  

Answer 13

Why did you marry him ??   You are definitely in need of a good attorney.

Answer 14

People don't usually change. They may clean up their act for a while but they end up going back to what they were before. Sometimes it's worse. He doesn't sound like he really loves you. If he is that jealous you need to go before it gets beyond verbal. Does he blame you when others find you attractive? Does he blame you when others talk to you. Can you go out with friends without him going ballistic? Giving up your family is beyond reasonable. Please leave him before the physical abuse starts.

Answer 15

Get out while you can, the guy's a nut and a control freak.

Answer 16

Crazy, jealous,disrespectful and racist to boot. Go see you family- don't go back get a lawyer and  rid yourself of this fool. You are obviously very attractive but he does not value you as a person and that is not good enough for you. Good luck.

Answer 17

I guess you have to figure out if he changes whether this will be enough to get the love back. On the other hand as well you have to consider whether he will ever actually change. You have to figure out what is fair for you and what makes you happy. For me I would walk away because I could not see things changing for a very long time and would not want to live in that type of environment.  

Answer 18

All I thought as I read was, "WOW," and it got louder and louder as I read.

Hon, your husband is a verbal bully.  He's controlling.  And he's threatening.  All of this adds up to an abusive person.  If it hasn't gotten physical yet, I can only imagine it will.

As for your question, no, it is not fair for your husband if you stay with him without loving him.  I would say to leave...but not only for that reason:

More importantly, it isn't fair to you.  You deserve someone who is going to make an effort with your family and not allow what sounds like cultural differences get in the way of a loving family unit.  You deserve to have the bells and whistles go off when you see the love of your life, not sirens and alarms.

Your husband is a very jealous and insecure man, I'm afraid, but that is not your responsibility to fix.  That lies with him.  What is your responsibility is your happiness.  Go pursue that...

...and start in a therapists office, hon.  You're putting up with his behavior and allowing it to control you for your own reasons and those too are steeped in insecurity and a lack of self-confidence.

Whether or not you decide to leave your husband, my advice to you is to seek counseling to help you deal with the underlying reasons for your lack of self-confidence.  Even if you don't find your answer here today...as your self-confidence is healed and you realize your own worth, I have a sneaky suspicion that your answer will come from within.

Good luck and take good care...

Answer 19

There was never any love there,  You were atracted to him and the way he treated you before marriage..  He appearantly never took the time to get to know You, Your family or your friends,, So You must be a very attractive lady,, You are his trophy,, Now he just wants you to sit on the shelf , so every one can see you but don't want you talking to others because they will find out that HE got lucky when you decided to marry him,,   I don't normally condone divorce but in your case I suggest that you go for it cause he will only get worst,,