Married 7 years , 3 young kids, and she needs time apart.?

Question

I love my wife more than i ever thought possible, but she hes come to the decision that we need to spend time apart. I have been a stay at home dad mostly for the past 3-4 years working only 10-15 hrs.needless to say i don't have much.She needs time away from me but somehow expects me to remain here.She has been on a date once because she met some guy and she has grown feelings for him. she says the reason for us to be apart is that we don't work well together. I cant stand to see this end but i cannot look past the lies and the betrayal. i want to give her the time she needs, but should i stay here and sleep on the couch ? or should i find a place to stay? we have 3 kids and always wanted to be there instead of childcare which makes more sense than spending that money on childcare when it would just mean less time w/ the kids. i cannot leave the kids and would never but how can i give her time she needs while still living in the same house?

If we must get separated i must find a full time job if not more , but she refuses to let me get one that conflicts with her schedule , because it would only result in childcare. I want the best for the ones i love, but cannot deny my felling of i shouldn't be in the same house.We hardly saw each other anyways but there will be those times when we are here together.I have no idea what to do.I do have any number of places to stay for a while but if separation is what has to be done i feel i deserve the time to do what i need to secure a home and income to support the kids and myself.Should i move out and come back to watch the kids everyday? or ignore the everyday pain i feel of having my beloved in the next room? How do i give this time needed and still be the father i want to be?

Answer 1

If it was me, I would move out. Watch the kids when i could. You have to think about when you are there, the boyfriends may start to call, see her leaving for a date blah blah blah. How healthy is that going to be for you? Then if this "separation" continues you will want to start to have a life of yur own down the road. I know it may hurt now, but if you dont get back together, you will eventually move on When me and my husband split, he suggested we stay in the same house. I couldnt do it, and i was the one that wanted out. To make it easier on you is there someone you could live with room with and still watch the kids every day and maybe work a part time job on the weekends or at night when she gets home?  

Answer 2

OH MY GAWD!!! You must talk to my BF, he went through the exact same thing with his wife several years ago, they were married for 12 years, the last 3 years of their marriage he found out that she was having an affair with a guy from her job, he stood there for 3 years knowing this and only tolerated  it because he didn't want to walk   away from his kids.Everything you stated here is the exact same issues, mom was never home leaving him to play the role of mom,all that same stuff, its uncanny!! After 3 years though, he couldn't take it any longer, just like you are feeling now, he couldn't;t deal with her never being home for her kids,he finally decided to leave because it was killing him, but he also sat down with the kids and let them know that as far as him being their daddy, nothing would change, he'd always be there for them.He had to have the patience of a Saint to have stood there that long and not flip on her.

Since my bfs wife was never home to have dinner with his kids, the kids came up with an idea, they decided to place a picture of mommy on her dinner plate and pretend that she was there, all there was at dinner an empty chair with a plate and  a photo of their mom on it, now that's sad. The worst part is that she got everything, the house, huge child support payments and still wants more,he did not get one single penny or any equity from the house.

I can't tell you what to do, the reason I wrote you was because it was the exact same detailed story that my Bf had dealt with, do what you think is in the best interest of the kids, if you do decide that you can not handle living under those type of conditions, then by all means, sit your kids down and let them know you will  still be their dad and be there for them, best of luck.

I'm sorry but I just had to comment on ladyren's answer, not only is it harsh, for someone who claims to be a teacher as well as a counselor, I can not believe the inappropriate language, not only is CHILDREN spelled wrong, DYSFUNCTIONAL, as well as the word EXISTENT spelled wrong.I would not want to be a parent of a student she has in her class, if this is how she shows her experience and knowledge here and handles the parents of her students, I would run for the hills. Who ever heard a teacher talk like that? If it weren't for our kids and yours, she would be out of a job too, but it sounds to me like this woman has some unresolved issues herself about a same situation, it totally amazes me that some of the most smartest people who went  to college are common sense stupid. What gives her the right to come down on both you and your wife? A counselor would handle this matter with a little bit more intellect and a more understanding approach, I give the devil its dues when she stated that you both need to work and earn money, that's true, but you have every right to be a parent, and if you don't think that staying in that situation is good for you let alone good for the kids, guess again.I too am a teacher and have been for nearly 22 years, I work at a special school working with developmentally disabled students, I also work as a full time advocate working in residential setting with developmentally disabled adults. Over the years I have seen many students that have had to deal with these same types of issues, some of these kids are plain emotionally disturbed, a lot came from the home environment, kids are astute and pick up on things going on in the home, believe me .You are on the right track as far as putting the kids in a daycare facility, in the meantime, try to be an active participant in the workforce to help support your family, and even if you do decide to leave because your hurting, that is your choice and no one else.

BTW I met the nicest  kids that have lived in poverty and turned things around so they become better adults and take their place in society, so I don't agree with that one.And loving devoted parents has nothing to do with money, there are poor people out there who are just as loving and devoted as the families that do have money.

Answer 3

Are you so lazy that you don't want a job?  Because if you are willing to work, and can prove that your wife cheated on you, you and your kids are going to be entitled to the house.  How could let your wife do that to you?  This does not seem to happen that much to men, but dammit, you need to grow some balls.  She is treating you like **** and you are taking it!  Even if you don't want to work full time, there are programs: Rental Assistance, Gas Assistance check with your local health and welfare dept. Also they have food stamp programs, not to mention that you will be the one awarded child and spousal support.  You should really just look in to it.

Answer 4

the basic problem is that you are not supporting your wife or child.

she may "think" she's ok with that, but in reality, every woman wants a husband that can provide at least 50% of the income, or at least enough to support a family at a minimal level.  (we are talking basics, food, shelter , clothing, medicine).  

you are not pulling your weight.

sure you are helping with childcare, but her best girlfriend or sister or mom could do the same.  you need to be a MAN.

if that means two jobs, or 1 job and going back to school, or finding a job that sucks but pays well, then you need to do that.

sensitive stuff is cool, but only if you can repair the car, pay most of the bills and have a steady income that is enough to support at least a 1 bedroom apartment, all utilities and food.

sounds like you are falling short in that department.

step up your game.  let your wife spend more time with the kids and get out there and get a decent job to help support your family.  even if you work nightshift, or two jobs.  do what needs to be done.

if she is leaving you she is leaving you.  so stop playing housewife and be a man, get a decent job and earn her respect.  

Answer 5

Why so little planning?  No one told you two that plopping three kids on this planet was not only time consuming, but will set you back $250,000 for each one to age 18??????????????(Do the math, sweetie that's a total of $750,000 out of your non-existant IRA!!)

You don't love this woman... you love some IMAGE you have of her, or what she ONCE WAS at some time during your marriage.

At this point, she's a jerk, and you are a door mat.

And neither of you have the right to be either.... It is now no longer about her, and her little flings, nor about you, and staying home because you think it's better for your kids... it isn't!!!News!!!  (Your chilfen are missing out on early learning with interaction of peers......so, now,  it is about your children who have every goddamn right to expect to be raised in a home with loving, devoted parents.

Neither of you knows how to do that, and since the two of you haven't figured it out in 7 years by yourselves, give up. You two won't ever figure it out by yourselves.  You, she, and your children are a disfunctional family..... I promise.

Advise:  Demand that you and she get 4 sessions of counseling. Make the appointment... go by yourself if she won't.. She needs to suck it up, and be a mom, and you need to grow some balls and be a dad, and husband... your kids deserve no less.

They never asked to be born... and hon, get a job, get your kids in day care, and get some $$ so that all of you can have nice weekends together.  Living without ambition and in poverty is h**l for a child... I promise.  

They would be far better off with their peers, learning how to interact, than to see dad around the house all day, with buckos flying out the window, and all of you scrimping and saving every nickel because you don't work.  

Answer 6

You can't leave, you have to take care of your kids.  You shouldn't sleep on the couch.  You shouldn't let your wife run wild in the streets.  Lay down your needs and if she can't meet them- then she has to go.  Let her run off with her lover.  You and the kids will be just fine.

Answer 7

you need to see an attorney ASAP. find out what  the ramifications are if you leave the house . she "will not let you" get a  job that conflicts with her schedule ?? WTF? see the lawyer, if you are advised to move out get the best job you can REGARDLESS of the schedule. you are a good dad i am on your side and i am a woman. your wife has the 7 year itch and she will beg to come back to you when this affair is over. trust me.yoou may not want her at that point, but she will come back. good luck

Answer 8

So your wife wants her spare time while she puts your life on hold, staying there watching the kids. If she wants the time apart then she needs to face the reality of what that will mean. Get a full time job so that you can become less dependent on her. Get your kids into day care and let her see how expensive it is to not have you around anymore. The kids will benefit from day care as it will not only be educational for them but it will provide them with playmates. You need to get your life in order and stop putting things you need to do on hold. Otherwise you make it easier for her to have her cake and eat it too. With divorce and separation comes consequences. Good luck to you!

Answer 9

Dude...dude...I am sorry. No. Do not let her just walk all over you like that.

You need to start looking after you and your kids, b/c obviously she is only thinking about herself. Man Up time!!!

If I were you, I would first...get a full time job. I don't care if it conflicts with her schedule...tell her to deal with it and get day care. Second, if she wants time apart...give her time apart. You start dating other girls.

third. WHAT THE F$#% do you mean she has been on a date? Why would you let your woman go on another date? My friend, I guarantee you that not only has she gone on more than one date...but she is probably cheating on you.

It is time for you to take control of your own life. You need to fall back in love with yourself and realize that you are a great man. I don't know you, but based on how you write about the love for your kids and your wife (who obviously takes you for granted), you sound like a great guy. Start being proud of who you are, and stop living for your wife.

If you need anymore advice please feel free to email.