Married and Physically and Sexually Unsatisfied, what should I do?

Question

I have been married for almost 14 years and have several children. Although I pursue my wife emotionally and stay connected through dates and communication. She does like physical touch and rejects most attempts for sexual intimacy. I am very careful not to smother her, but she does not want to hug me, or even snuggle when in bed. I feel rejected many times and feel empty inside as if she doesn't love me. She says she loves me, but doesn't have much of a physical desire for me. Right now, we do make love about 2 or 3 times per month. Although not my desired frequency, I can live with this. However, I feel so sad and empty to miss her physical touch such as a hug or a non-sexual snuggle. I love her so much, but am so sad at the same time. Obviously this is not a simple situation to work through. We both are going to separate counselors, and am putting extra efforts into connecting on a different level.

Answer 1

Tell her what you told us.You both need to go to the SAME counselor instead of both fo you having seperate ones who will side with you.

Tell her if she doesn't want you to let you go, you want someone who WANTS to be with you and make you feel loved.

Answer 2

You're both getting older.  Your health isn't what it was.  Get her to exercise with you.  Every day.  This can help build your desire.

If you nag, she'll withdraw.  If she withdraws, you'll nag.  This is the death spiral.  You might be able to stem the tide with humor.

You wanted someone who was healthy, smart and happy.  But you both have to keep at it this to make it happen.

Answer 3

As I was reading what you wrote I got tears in my eyes! Im so sorry!!!

I have been married or almost 15 years and I feel the same way sometimes.All you can do is tell how you feel like you did here! Counselors are good BUT they are not always the solution. Tell your wife how it hurts you that you get such a cold shoulder from her.

I wish I had more advice to give.I wish you all the luck! This is a tuff one.Hang in there.If you cant talk to her one on one then e-mail her.Sometimes it is easier to get all your feelings out that way you can think about what your saying while your typing.

Take Care!:)

Answer 4

Well, since you are already going to counseling that's good.  But, are you guys openly communicating with each other?  Does she know that you feel sad and miss embraces, etc.?

If so, and she still is not showing more physical interest, then my suggestion is to back off completely.  This may take some time and patience on your part, but maybe if she's having a psychological issue over phys. intimacy, then you need to let her initiate it.  Hopefully when she's ready for physical intimacy she'll come to YOU.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Then you have taken the first step. Continue counseling and maybe go together to discuss things that way as well. Be honest with your wife. Tell her how her actions make you feel as you did to us.

Good luck.

Answer 6

I'm glad to hear that you are both going to counseling. It sounds like your wife might have been hurt in the past, and is afraid of being intimate. Keep the lines of communication open, and make sure she knows you love her. Reach out and hold her hand during a movie or while driving in the car. Little touches like that may eventually help make her more secure, more able to move on to things like hugging. On the other hand, maybe she is just not that affectionate of a person. Some people really don't like kissing and hugging, but truly love their partner. Sounds like you're trying. If you two can talk, let her know you love her, and are satisfied with your s*x life, but would like a little more affection, not that you expect it to advance to s*x, but just to have a little more affection. Good luck!