Married but still thinking about my ex?

Question

I am 22 years old. I have been married for a little over 2 years now. I love my husband with all of my heart and I am honestly happy that I married him.

The thing is before I met my husband, I was dating a guy for over 2 years. We had a really bad break up because we were seriously going in different directions and I needed a break. Well I still think about him to this day. I even talk to him occasionally on my myspace on we text. He has let it be known to my family and friends that he is still not over me and he would do anything to have me back. He ended up getting married and they got a divorce because he compared her to me and she told him she couldnt be married to someone who didnt love her.

Sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong choice and other times I am completely thankful that I did not end up with him.

My husband and I have our probelms like any other couple. He makes me laugh and he would do anything for me. There are these times when he is completely clingy and overly jealous and it bugs the h*** out of me. But he is a great man and I love him with all of my heart. I dont know what I would do without him. He makes me happy. Our biggest argument is that he cant have kids and I want them more than anything. I guess that is why I think of my ex so much because I think " I could have kids if I was still with him (ex bf).

I have come to the point where I dont know what to do. I want to push my ex's memory away from me altogether and work on my marriage (which I have been trying to do), but I am afraid that he will eventually move on and find someone else. I know what I should do, its just really hard to do it. I guess Im afraid that I will make a mistake either way and lose something really great.

Answer 1

I don't think we ever forget our first love. However, you did make vows to your husband that you need to keep. We all have done things that we regret, but you need to put him behind you and move on. If you really love him, you would want him to be able to find someone who can make him as happy as your husband makes you.  It will be hard, but you need to cut off communication with the ex and concentrate on your marriage. I hope that you and your husband had the discussion about him not being able to have children before you married. I don't think I would have gotten married knowing that he could not have kids, when I knew I wanted them. Perhaps in the future you can talk about adoption. Regardless, you made vows to him and you need to honor those. Try to remember what brought the two of you together in the first place. Perhaps some counseling would help.  

Good Luck.

Answer 2

sounds like your not over your ex completely. I guess you need to pick one or the other. If your want your marriage to work out and you want to be with your husband, then dont worry about the "what ifs" there is a reason why you guys arent together. Rather if it was a mistake or not. But if your constantly thinking about your ex boyfriend, then why dont you meet up with him for a lunch or something and see if there is still a connection between you guys. Or talk with each other and make that closure official.

I dont think it is fair to your husband that your second guessing your marriage and that your still thinking about your ex. Talk with your husband and let him know what is going on. Dont do nothing behind his back because Im sure that will lead you to a divorce (unless that is what you want?)

but your the only one who can make up your mind. But dont lead anyone on. That isnt fair either.

  

Answer 3

He's clingy because he can't have children and knows that another man can get you pregnant. He's afraid that losing you would be the end of his world. Hormones and the natural drive in us to reproduce are influencing your feelings towards your ex. If you want children, consider fostering first, then adoption if that works out. You'll have the compromise of a normal family with out the pain of childbirth. But if you know in your heart that marrying your husband was the right decision, then stick by that decision accoridng to your marriage vows of better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health.

Answer 4

You took a vow "for better or worse" so I think it's best to cut off communication with your ex and give the marriage 110% of your time, love, energy, and commitment.  Good luck!

Answer 5

sounds like you shoulda married your ex with all that extra ex thinking you're doin...

then again if you can't think of your current man only, you probably married way too young from the get go!

Answer 6

Personal experience has taught me that, the grass isn't greener on the other side.  Same story, first love, horrible ending, and I stupidly thought that he would be different. He wasn't. I came so close to losing all that I have achieved with my husband. My suggestion, if you honestly do love your husband, stop call contact with ex, and come clean.  Like others have said, he's your ex for a reason, and your husband is by your side for a reason. Time to fall back in love with your husband, its a great feeling =D

Answer 7

By talking to your ex, you are having an emotional affair. If you really loved your husband, you wouldn't have married him until you were truly over your ex. Stop talking to him and tell your husband you have been talking to him. Let your husband decide if he wants to stay with a woman who never got over her ex and is not being 100% faithful to him.

Answer 8

Ok...first of all you shouldn't have gotten married if you're still thinking about your ex and concerned about him moving on without you.  maybe you should just be truthful to your husband and let him know what's going on and if you really do want this marriage to work, you should stop all contact with your ex, that way slowly but gradually you'll get over him and stop thinking about him.

Answer 9

you have to forget about your ex and focus on your marriage i think your husband trust you and you have to be honest to him.past is past you have a new life to live,always know that first cut is the dippest

Answer 10

take a break from both. then give it 6 months. if you still have those feelings for any of them, then do what you gota do. you should not be feeling any regrets. be thank ful for what you have today. not what should or coulda been.

Answer 11

why did you marry him if you knew he couldn't

have kids, you can always adopt. if you love

your husband with all your heart stop thinking

about your ex that could hurt your husband if

he knew. just ask yourself who you see would

be a better match for you think of the good & the

bad.. you need to think soon cause it's not fair to

your husband!

Answer 12

You married too young.  I didn't even read all of it.  22 and married for 2yrs...WAY too young.  

Answer 13

Just stop thinking about this guy.  Stop communicating with him too and focus on the person you married.  You are married now and should not have said "I DO" if you are thinking about someone else.  That is unfair to your husband.

Answer 14

Here is my (faithful) point of view on this common problem...

You are MARRIED...

You have NO business talking to the EX. Shame on you for robbing your husband of a faithful wife who should be committing 100 % of herself to him...

How would YOU feel if he was doing this to YOU? I guess you have not even contemplated this because you are too wrapped up in YOURSELF...

Hop off of the selfish train and snap back to reality. Your husband deserves a faithful wife who will not dwell on another man.

Answer 15

CHOOSE A SIDE.  I got married at 19.  Been there, done that, got a T-shirt.  There were always moments when I thought, 'what if..?'  There were always times that 'oh, maybe the grass is greener on the other side.'  I have even "tested the waters," and found out the hard way that the grass was actually burnt.  

You have the ability to CHANGE the way you think.  If you are constantly thinking of him, find something else to occupy your mind.  Join something, take up a hobby, find ways to fill in the free time other than rushing to myspace, secret phone calls, encrypted emails.  Your marriage depends on it.

You have to make a decision... 1) Love your husband, flaws and all or 2) Give it all up, for a "maybe what if"

Keep in mind, if you choose option 2) there's no turning back as option 1 may no longer be available.

Answer 16

It is totally natural to think of past relationships even after getting married.  I still do and I'm happily married and much older than you.  It is not the thoughts that are the issue.  It is what you do with them.

Twice you stated how much in love you are with your husband and that you are honestly happy being married to him- don't forget it.

When you know that there is guy out there who you had a relationship with that would do anything to get you back into his life that is a very powerful enticement.  But DON'T FALL FOR IT.

Changing partners by divorcing one and marrying another is not like trading in a car.

I'm sorry that you and your husband are unable to have children.  That can be devastating.  But there are ways that you CAN  have children and be the family you have always wanted.  There are all kinds of tiny little babies that desperately need the love and nurturing from couples who cannot have their own children.

No marriage is without it's flaws and potholes.  No man is without his flaws.

When you married your husband you chose to forsake all others.  If both of you are willing there is no problem in a marriage- not a single one- that cannot be overcome if you both face it together.

Your connection with this previous fellow is finished.  It is over!  Cherish the memories you had with him but let him live his own life.   The fact that he would love to have you back is to me a huge red flag that if you continue to keep in touch with him you are courting disaster.

You said you don't know what to do.  That is because you are double minded right now.  Morally you know your allegiance and faithful is suppose to be to your husband but you have one foot out the door.   This is what I'd do:

Stop all communication with this other fellow.   I know you don't want to do that but you must if you love your husband as much as you say you do.   You are off limits and that other guy needs to respect your marriage, you and your husband- not offer you something that you might think is better.

Instead of you and your husband arguing about the fact that he cannot have children make a plan on how you will be able to through adoption.  Face the reality that you might have to adjust to the idea that you may not have children- even adopted children rather than go out looking for a guy that can give you children.

Sit down with your husband and open up the wedding album and look at all of your pictures .  Take a look at your wedding vows.

It would be extremely selfish of you to leave your husband because of something that is not his fault.

You speak as if you have a choice here.  You don't.  And you are right.  In the end you will lose not something but someone really great!.  I wish you all the best.

Answer 17

Well, If you an your ex broke up or whatever. That was what was ment to be. And you got married because you loved ur husbend. You need to forget your ex. Or possibly tell your husbend and have him help you sort this out. I'm sure he'll understand. I hope i helped.

Answer 18

SPECIAL!  U SHOULDN"T HAVE GOT MARRIED IF U HAVE THOUGHTS ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE.

WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN

Answer 19

If you love your husband, you should end all contact with your ex and that includes (especially) the grapevine.  No one gets it all & I'm sorry about the children.  But you are now married & owe it to you & to your spouse to try your best to love each other & honor the commitment you made.

Good luck in your new marriage!  I truly wish you the best.  As for the past, it is really best left that way.

Answer 20

You and your ex broke up for a reason.  Plus, it was several years ago that you dated.  There is absolutely no guarantee that the relationship would work if you were with him right now.  Most likely it wouldn't.

Have you considered looking into adoption since your husband can't have kids?  If absolute worse case scenario, you find that having kids is the most important thing to you and you can't have them with your husband, you will still have plenty of time to meet somebody who would have kids with you.  But you shouldn't look as your ex as being the only option to get children.