Married with kids.....no together time without kids.?

Question

OK, here's my issue. I'm married tomy highh school sweetheart and we have 3 kids. We get along great and have a great life. The issue is my wife can't be away from the kids for any length of time. My first was born 14 years ago and the youngest is 9.We have never been away together since. Up until about a year ago we had never left them for more than a few hours. Now we do go to dinner or a movie every couple weeks, but even then she is talking to one of them on the phone about something. She knows I want to get away with her for a couple days. It doesn't have to be far...but away. We do everything together, a few vacations a year, sports, movies etc...

I do everything I can to give them a great life. Am i wrong for wanting alone time with her? Am I wrong for wanting her attention? I can't have a conversation with her about anything without being interrupted. She knows how I feel but does little about it. It would be nice to wake up with just her and I in the bed every once in a while. I'm very frustrated and don't think I can take much more. I don't think I could ever do it, but I'm thinking more and more about divorce. I don't know, maybe I just had to vent. Am I wrong? Isn't it bad for a mother to be with the kids 24/7 doing everything for them? I know it's not good for me....

Answer 1

yes she needs to make time for you...

what will she do when the kids move out?!

she has to cut the cord sometime..

try sitting down and having a serious conversation with her, and try to get her to see your point..

if not, then your next move is up to you.

Answer 2

she may be nervous about HOW to be alone with you- motherhood can be an all-consuming identity for some of us...it doesn't take very long for the "routine" of always having kids around or on the brain to take over.  I imagine she may not even realize that she doesn't spend that much time alone with you...my suggestion- arrange a weekend away.  DO EVERYTHING!  make the reservations, pack, set up the babysitting arrangements and then surprise her.

good luck and you seem to be a good husband!  

Answer 3

Your life is seriously out of balance. You two have neglected some very basic premises of marriage.

A marriage is between 2 adults and it is the foundation of the family unit. The marriage must be first priority because without a strong and healthy relationship between spouses, your kids don't have a family. They have a broken home.

Your thoughts about divorce are a warning sign that the marriage has lost its rightful rank. You are not getting your needs as a man met and your wife is not allowing you to meet her needs as a woman. There is no part of your life together where your marriage is sacred - not your conversations, not your activities, not even your bed.

The prime directive of parenting is to guide children towards becoming independent, self-sufficient, responsible adults capable of making good decisions for their own lives. Is your wife working towards this goal or against it?

As parents, our success is measured by how little our children need us when they are grown, not by how much we did for them when they were little. Do not do for them anything that they can do for themselves for when you do, you cheat them of the sense of accomplishment they need and deserve!

Your wife has lost sight of this. She is doing things for her children that make her feel good about herself and can't see that the rewards to her are coming at their ultimate expense. The more they need her/depend on her, the more valuable and loved she feels. She doesn't see any of this so she is doing harmful things in a loving way.

Your wife is crippling your children and it needs to stop. Furthermore, she is standing in the way of the children learning to trust and depend on each other. For example, letting them babysit each other allows them to take responsibility, work out their own conflicts, learn to negotiate and compromise. These are important life skills.

Your situation did not get this way this morning - it has been like this for a long, long time...steadily getting worse. It has become an ingrained pattern, a way of life and it is the only way your wife knows, but worse than that, it is the only way your children know!

It will certainly take time to undo and will likely take professional help. If you take it on all by yourself, all h**l will break loose between you and your wife. You need to start by helping her see the potential for harm that is being realized by her resistance to balance. She doesn't see it and until she does, she will feel threatened.

Work with her - your children need you to do this.  

Answer 4

It sounds to me like the mother suffers from Separation Anxiety. Its common with most mothers and infants from the time they are born and is suppose to decrease once the child gets to be around 13-15 months. Which one has the anxitey is it the wife or the kids or both? For adults that don't grow out of it is around 7% of the population. Does she worry non stop when she's away? I mean excess worring? Does she have trouble sleeping if the kids arn't in bed with you guys? Do the children have trouble sleeping if not in the bed? Are nightmares involved? Does she constanlty worry something is going to happen to them? If so she is a prime canadate for Separation Anxiety Disorder and its very unhealthy for all of you, especially the children. I think this issue goes beyond your needs and wants. Your going to need a professional to come in an change the thought process and the way your use to life. This was allowed to go on until they are 9 and 14? Thats a long time to change ways.You've tried option one which was waiting for them to grow out of this stage. This did not work. The second sugession would be kiss them good bye when you go out. Understand they may freak out however explain how you'll be back soon. Then leave. Don't say, leave. Explain to them that you'll be back in a few hours and reassure them of this. In addition regulate the times you commit to separate from them. For instance use Friday nights as date night only. Leave the children with a familiar face if possible same person each week so they can get use to that person. This will calm down fears. Leave the same time on Fridays and return the same time. This will begin the pattern of cutting the cord. do not allow phone calls at all. If you try this for more than 8 or 9 times and you don't see improvement - you many need to seek a counsiler. Not just because of your feelings but because its not healthy for the children they will lack social skills later on in life and be completely dependend upon people. Not to mention the numer it does on your marriage. Remember your both are training these birdies to fly the nest one day. Lets make sure they fly and stop trying to get back into their own egg shells. Good luck.

Answer 5

You can also talk to your kids. Tell them that they need to start taking on more responsibility and especially to your oldest!! Just sit them down and tell them that you want to take mom out for a little get away and don't want any interruptions!! Hopefully they are good enough kids to understand that mom and dad need alone time!

Answer 6

You do not have a wife.

You are married to a nanny.

A 14 year old should be able to take care of a 9 year old for 8 hours without issue.

Sir, when are you going to make it painfully clear to your children that they ARE NOT welcome in your bedroom?

You have allowed this to happen because you are incapable of putting your foot down.

She is running your marriage and home.

YES it is wrong for her to mother them all the time, YES it is wrong fro her to be a Mom full time and not a wife a lot of the time.

If you do not make these changes NOW  in ten years your nine year old will leave you with a woman who is lost and without purpose.

Time to man up and start making some demands for change.

Start with kids in bed with you.

Finish with letting the kids learn how to make their own decisions.

Her doing everything for them at this age will not serve them well later.

Answer 7

I agree she needs to make time for you but you need to understand a bond between a mother and her children. It can be bad for her if she don't get away from them if only a few hours a week. I am a mother and I love my kids to death and beyond but I know I need a break and yes I would love to spend that time with my husband but we are not always able to get away. Just go and plan a romantic evening and you get the babysitter and you drop them off just take charge She might actually think you're serious.

Answer 8

No it is not wrong for you to want time with just the two of you not at all. Actually i think its awesome that you do want that. Some men dont even take it into consideration. Plan something, and go and do it. Sounds like  you should have been diong this. Every adult, needs adult time regardless of what you are doing. You should set your wife down and tell her straight forward how you are feeling. And like i said plan it and do it.  

Answer 9

tell her that you have been feeling a little neglected lately and that you think it is great that she wants to spend so much time with the kids, but she should spend an equal amount of time alone with you.and give her a little time to get used to this and if she continues to neglect you, then tell her that you may be considering devorce.

Answer 10

Wow! You're not wrong here at all. Unfortunately, this happens to a lot of women with children, but it doesn't make it right. When those kids are grown and off to college, she will be completely depressed and lost as a person since they seem to be her identity. I would definitely talk to her about this issue face to face. Since you are the one making all the effort to keep your marital relationship alive, she might need to be shook up a little bit and realize that she's about to lose you if things don't change. It would definitely help to talk to a professional as well. Good luck!

Answer 11

she should let them have air! especially the 14 year old