Married women...How to talk to my wife?

Question

Okay, a little on the odd side of the question spectrum, but here goes...

In an earlier question, I mentioned that my wife has issues from her past that make it reaaaallllllly difficult to discuss intimate matters with her. Getting her to open up to discussions about s*x and sexuality, eroticism and the like...it's just not possible.

Here's an example of a typical conversation on the subject:

Me: 'I was hoping we could talk about our s*x life tonight."

Her: "Well, okay." (sheepish look, eyes flickering left to right like she's guilty or afraid of something coming after her)

Me: "Can we talk about what excites us, maybe tell each other something we've always wanted to try, or just something that makes us get in the mood?"

Her: "I don't know any of that stuff? You know I grew up really repressed. I know that's a problem, but I feel pressured and I can't talk about this."

It tends to spiral downward from there so that she's upset, I feel terrible for having suggested anything even though this is a really important subject for me and a point of dissatisfaction in our marriage for me. Going on three years soon, and nothing has changed from day one.

She pulls the "I feel pressured" card right away, so I'm left feeling like a bad guy for even considering the conversation.

To the married women out there, what can I do here? Am I destined to be stuck in a fairly unfulfilling marriage? Sure, we have s*x, and it's okay, but not anything like what I really want from my partner. There's no eroticism, nothing flirtatious about her at all, nothing playful, nothing but the same old everyday missionary act and I'm pretty damned well sick of it.

Answer 1

You married for better or for worse.

To be honest, I don't know. It boggles my mind as much as it does yours.

If your wife is unwilling, then seriously, there is no hope in h**l to ever change her thoughts and feelings, opinions and ideas about this.

You either suck up the bullsh*t or else you divorce her. Sexual compatiablitly is at an all time high. If she can't please you or give you what you are looking for, then maybe its time to find someone whom will blow your mind.

Its what has happened to her and you can't change that. Even she can't. But you can change your position in life. You can change the things that you don't like, even if that means changing wives. Heartless I realize but are you prepared for a lifetime of really bad s*x? Marriage is so much more...but s*x or our s*x lives are a huge part of our relationships. s*x is very important..even if no one really agrees with that.

I know that I feel so much better about my marriage when were ripping each other apart every night or every 2nd night.

Intimacy comes in so many forms...you need to go after the ones that are the most important to you.

How can she hate you for this? She knows that she is damaged and can not possibly expect you to suffer right along with her.

Why bring down the both of you?

Answer 2

There are books out there full of s**y, erotic short stories And they are actually pretty good turn-on stories. Get one of the books and have her read a story out loud to you. She will be all over you like a mad dog!  

Answer 3

Maybe you should tell you would like to talk to her. You should explain that if something don't change soon that you are just to ignore her for awhile until she can open up yo you. You say you have been married for three years but no response. There is something wrong. My brother and his wife were like that for a very long time and he told one day we can't go on living like this anymore. He told her to go and talk to someone or their marrige was ending. She did go and talk to someone for one day and never went back. He ended their marrige. But got back together two years later. After she got her life together. And she finally opened up to him.

Answer 4

hmm, well, instead of talking about it, why not just go in for the kill??

Give her a couple of wines so she relaxes, make her favourite meal. Have a dirty weekend..do what you can with her until you both find out what she likes.

Failing that suggestion I would seriously reccommend s*x counselling, or even couselling for her to be able to open up to her emotions and  find out whats going on

Answer 5

Try writing her a letter and telling her in so many words just how you feel women are emotional and and writing a letter shows your emotional side in the letter ask her what you should do, You do deserve to be satisfied, I don't know the other issue with her but just try to remain sensitive to whatever it is or was

Answer 6

You are doomed....

Answer 7

You should probably just ask while you're doing it.  Just say "turn over" if you want to start off doing it from that position or just sort of shove her a bit and switch yourself around.  Or grab her leg & throw it in the air.  It sounds rude.  That's not how I mean it.  Just because you're sexually expressive doesn't mean everyone is.  If she's already uncomfortable with the topic then you talking about it while you're not even in bed is like shining a spot light on her face & interrogating her.  I'm pretty open minded & those conversations even embarrass me.  It's not that you should just live unhappily ever after but it probably sucks to be her too.  I mean her husband is basically sitting her down to tell her she sucks in bed.  Sometimes that's so insulting to a person that they won't even try because they feel like they're being TOLD what to do.  

Answer 8

Insist that you both go to counseling.  INSIST!

She may be using this as a ploy to avoid s*x altogether.

Maybe frigid. If she feels pressured talking to you, she's gonna feel worse talking to a doctor.  Do it and get to the bottom of this.

Definitely need counseling!

There was a lot I didn't know, too, but my wonderful, sensitive husband taught me.  I became a willing student.  She can too.

Answer 9

Man that is really bad..I would just have to seek divorce! Sad but true! I need s*x in my life and if hubby isn't given.. I'm walkin'!

Answer 10

well hun, instead of talking about it, why not act it out, get her in the mood, not always a woman is going to be in the mood all the time, we too need that eroticism as u call it, so since you're the one w/the problem i suggest that u be the one to initiate it w/out talking about it, get the ball rolling on it,GL 2 u !

Answer 11

Try to do something new in the bedroom, nothing to drastic, then just keeping adding slowly. Get some erotic books and videos and read or watch them together.

Try a therapist to maybe get to the  problem. Also maybe go to the "toy" store together.