Marrige vs adoption and kids??

Question

Okay, let's say a friend of yours was engaged to a man she loved, they were dating for two years, and had planned the wedding.

Then he dumps her. She immediately starts dating again, and within a few months she is engaged again.

Some questions: Would she be 'filling a void'? Would this new relationship be a healthy one? Is it fair to her new beau that she didn't really take the time to morn, grieve, and REFLECT on her feelings of loss? And maybe gain acceptance about the life she would have had with potential husband # 1?

This was part of an answer to a question i asked about "filling a void" by adopting a child.

How on gods earth can you compare the above with adoption and haveing kids???

Why is it that people assume ALL adoptive parents dont come to terms with the fact they cant have kids naturally, before adopting???

I am speaking to my mother now on the phone while writing this, and she is fuming at the selfishness of it all!

Answer 1

I don't really get your analogy.  Sorry.

But yes, there are many people out there with a baby shaped hole in their hearts.  Many of them are blogging.  And many of them turn to adoption without reconciling their feelings of loss.

I'm glad for you that your adoptive mother reconciled any feelings she had but I don't think your mother should speak for all adoptive mothers out there just as you should not speak for all other adoptees.

For someone who says they are so happy and at peace with adoption, you sure spend a lot of time here and you sound very, very angry.

I hope someday you can find some peace.

Answer 2

my sister was adopted years ago...my mom had hysterectomy years before and when she remarried they wanted to share in the bond of parenting. It was purely selfless of my mom...she already had 3 almost teenaged kids...she also had enough love to go around...

Answer 3

So far i haven't adopted.  However, i want to so badly.  I want a baby.  I want a son or daughter to hold and share my life with.  Because of youth and ignorance i am to messed up down there to have my own child and i'm married to a man who has a felony for rape and did time in prison.  his charges were almost 30 years ago and it wasn't as bad as it sounds but because this was his charge we can't.  I'm 35 years old and i will never hear a child call me mommy.  I will never watch my son go out on his first date or watch my daughter walk down the isle.  i know this is horrible to say but sometimes i hate my husband because i will never have this.  He has kids.  however his oldest kids is only a year younger them i am so they were never "kids" for me to raise.  now i have grand children but it's not the same.  and to be honest it breaks my heart being around them.  even though they call me grandma i'm only grandma because of marriage.  I want to adopt my own baby.   and if you feel as strongly as i do then go for it.  there are so many children needing a mom who will love them unconditionally, someone to buy x mas gifts for.  someone to rock to sleep.   I pray you get your child...  Don't regret the choice.  if you need and want this child then forget what everyone else says and follow your heart.

Answer 4

Well, sometimes people start dating again soon because they want someone in their lives, but sometimes it can be that they didn't truly care about the person as much as they thought they did. A lot of people that find out that they can't have kids start the adoption process right away because they are aware that it can take years to adopt, so they have that time after they find out and before a child is placed with them to come to terms with their infertility. Also, why is it selfish to take a child into your home that no one else wants? I don't consider that selfish at all.

Answer 5

Baiting again

BPD - sort this one out will ya

Thanks

Answer 6

She sounds like she is using men.  It didn't bother her much, did it? If it had been some typical college relationship that ended after a year, it wouldn't matter.

Answer 7

Seriously, you could benefit from a strong adoptive parent support group in your area.  All of your questions and attitudes would be understood and supported.  But they are way too broad and complicated to be resolved on a forum.  Try looking in your area under "Adoption" in the phone book, or call local adoption agencies, social workers, or Child Protective Services.  You could also call Catholic Charities which always has support groups.  Good luck.

Answer 8

To your first question, yes this relationship could be a healthy one. She got dumped by a man and moved on, because she didn't dwell on things and knew deep down, that she would never go back with this guy anyways. Maybe she was feeling resentment towards this guy and the relationship was a bad one anyway. Why would she grieve or morn over a Moran? She did the right thing.

Adopting a child to fill a void does not relate to the previous question at all. People adopt a child for many different reason and it is a personal choice.

You guys need to stay out of other people business.

Answer 9

people that can't have kids but to take a kids is very rewarding

Answer 10

Yes, absolutely, a woman who is engaged again to a second man a few months after being dumped by her first fiance is "trying to fill a void". That's a textbook example!

I'm surprised you don't see that. If you spend 2 years (hey, I spent 15 years dealing with infertility issues, so 2 years sounds like a walk in the park to me) planning for a major life event, only to have it come crashing down on you, of course you shouldn't run out and try to replace the person you just lost right away. You need to do the grief work first.

Imagine marrying your rebound guy, just because you'd already done all the planning for the wedding (to someone else). You'd be divorced within a year or two. Emotions and hopes and dreams take a lot longer than a month or two to heal.

edited to add: great answer, BPD! It's so true: grief is not all or nothing; there will always be tendrils that won't let go.

Answer 11

Do I answer; do I not answer?  You have me over a fence on this one.  : )

The original answer that you have quoted was a personal opinion/answer on a question that had to do with "filling a void".  I personally feel that if you were looking for clarification, you should have contacted the person directly thru email.  I've had these types of situations happen to me (where someone quotes something I wrote in another question) and it's somewhat unfair because it is usually taken out of context by the next set of people answering.  

That all being said, you asked how can people compare the two?  I know just as many women who feel that they MUST be married in order to fill society's expectations as I do infertile couples who feel they MUST have a child to do the same.  So I can see the comparison that was trying to be made in some respects.

You also asked if an infertile couple who adopted could respond.  I have suffered from infertility for 8+ years.  I was not ready to adopt when our son's bio family came to us.  I wanted to be pregnant.  The best advice ever given to me was to grieve my loss of pregnancy before we proceeded with adoption paperwork.  The point that many people are trying to make in this category is that women do not take time to grieve that loss and it is unfair to the adoptee, as well as the infertile couple.  

That isn't to say that I don't still have problems with my infertility. It is a loss and I do not believe anyone gets over "losses" in their life completely.  When a friend gets pregnant and talks about her prenatal appts or labor, etc., I get a little bummed because I don't have that experience to share.  But they don't fully understand what we had to go through to adopt either.  

If you ever noticed, when speaking of my infertility, I do say that I have suffered with it for 8+ years.  I've had some people tell me that I'm still "wishing" for a bio child.  The truth is that I believe children are a blessing and if I would get pregnant, it is because that was what was intended for me.  A lot of people here have told me to "get over it" (my infertility that is) because I have a child thru adoption.  I don't believe that infertile couples "get over it" any more easily than an adoptee "gets over it" or a bio-family "gets over it".  I wish those words would be banned from this category!  

I hope that answers your question, even though I still think you should talk to the original poster to see what her/his intentions were behind the answer.  : )

Answer 12

HUH???  I have no idea what you're trying to say!  you've got 2 questions mixed together, and I don't see how 1 has anything to do with the other!

Answer 13

Plagiarize much?  Cripes!

You really don't see the parallel?  It's hopeless.  

Adopters are famous for rushing into adoption without even dealing with the loss of the children they might have had!

Yes, it's true, Sarahhhhhh, MOST people want to raise their OWN children.  When they find out that they can't, i believe they should DEAL WITH IT, before adopting a kid, and expecting it to 'perform' as their own.

I'm glad you believe you've had a great childhood with wonderful adopters, but your insistent reluctance to SEE that other adoptees have had a different experience is maddening.  You don't seem to have any empathy for others at all.

Children should not be used to fill infertile people's NEEDS without some work on the adopters part, IMO.

Is reading a couple books, and waiting 365 days too much to ask for?

Why is this SO important to YOU?

ETA:  Heather--I thought schools were BETTER in the UK?!

Answer 14

Maybe you should just stop making fun of adoptees that have negative experinces. I may not agree with what all some has to say about being negative about adoption. But at least I don't make fun of them.

I do know of someone having a bio-child just to fill a void. I thought that their thinking was flawed and still think that people who have children or adopt should reflect on why they want to have children.