Mature answers only: My son comes home from a visit with his dad and tells me that he has a new step mommie!?

Question

Also that his new step mommie has moved in with his dad. I feel crushed on so many different levels. #1 This man, even though we lived together a few years agao, never mentioned marriage to me, even after having his child. #2 He was a huge part of why we could never work, he cheated, he brough home VD twice, he was verbally abusive. #3 He doesn't seem to respect me because he didn't tell me anything about this. I feel terrible and don't know what to do. I am staring to blame myself.....maybe I am single now because I don't know how to be in a real relationship, maybe it really was MY fault that we broke up. Help, I am confused.

Answer 1

I'm going to try not be harsh here but I'll warn you that this may sound that way.  But you've got enough people on here telling you this is all his fault that you don't need me to add one more.  Especially since it is not ALL his fault.  Most of it, but you carry some of the blame here too.  And your actions are the ones you can and should work on changing.

Of course he didn't respect you enough to tell you he was moving a new woman in.  He didn't respect you enough to ask to marry you before moving you in.  He didn't respect you enough to ask to marry you before impregnating you.  He didn't respect you enough to stay faithful.  He didn't respect you enough to use a condom while cheating to safeguard against venereal diseases.  Not only did he not respect you throughout your relationship, he didn't even respect himself.  So it's not a shock that he's continuing on in that way of not respecting anyone.

He's got so many problems that he would have to take years to fix them all even if he wanted to.  You never had a chance to change him.  What I'm more concerned about is why you don't respect yourself.  You started a relationship with a guy with no promise of stability.  You didn't demand that promise be made in the form of marriage once you found you were pregnant.  You stayed with an abusive guy long enough for him to infect you with VD TWICE from his cheating.  And you're now feeling bad that you lost this OH SO GREAT CATCH.  Can you feel the sarcasm there?

You can't change him but you can have a hope of changing yourself.  But you won't do that if you spend all your time and energy blaming him for what he did to you and wallowing in self pity.  The only way to change yourself is to take responsibility for the bad desicions you made in the past and to learn to make better ones in the future.  He didn't do everything TO you without you being a participant in the process.  You moved in.  You got pregnant.  You stayed for him to infect you again.  What you need to do is look inside yourself for WHY you made these choices.  Once you can change that about yourself you'll be less likely to feel as bad as you do about loosing him, you'll feel better about yourself and you'll be ready to move on yourself and find a man who will be good for both you and your son.

Answer 2

First of all you should count yourself lucky that your not with this freak anymore. If he was doing all this c**p while you were just dating, just think of what he'd would have done while you were married. I wouldn't lose one minute of sleep over it at all. So what if your son has a step-mommie, WHO CARES !!! It would have just been a matter of time anyways. Go on with your life and take care of yourself and your son. The new mommie will find out in time just what a prince charming he really is.

Answer 3

Nothing was your fault.  If you can't understand that, then get some counseling.

"#1 This man, even though we lived together a few years agao, never mentioned marriage to me, even after having his child"

Apparently he didn’t think you were the one he was meant to marry.  Having a child with him wouldn’t have changed that.  It stings I’m sure, but you got to suck it up and deal with it.

"#2 He was a huge part of why we could never work, he cheated, he brough home VD twice, he was verbally abusive."

Then you're lucky you didn’t marry him.  You don’t need someone like this in your life.

"#3 He doesn't seem to respect me because he didn't tell me anything about this"

The fact that he didn't tell you about his marriage does not mean he doesn’t respect you, although based on #2, I doubt he does, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t *deserving* of respect.  Should he have told you?  It would have been nice, but based on your post, I wonder if the reason he didn't tell you was because he was afraid of your emotional response.

Get over him.  Stop blaming yourself.  If you need help doing those things, then get it.

Answer 4

Why in the world would you even care that a diseased, cheating, abusive piece of chit man got married?  Why would you let that make you feel like it was your fault that the relationship didn't work out?  Aren't you glad to be away from a man who is nothing more than a waste of air and space?

Nobody deserves to be cheated on or abused in any way.  This man may have fathered your child, but that doesn't make him worth anything.  You are better off without him and you know it, deep down.  You should be glad he didn't ask you to marry him.  The abuse may have gotten worse and may have gotten physical.  You might never have gotten away from him and then your own son would be raised to think it was acceptable to abuse women.  Would you want that hanging over your head?

I hope you don't tell your son's father about everything you do and all the decisions you make in your life.  He doesn't share his life with you and you shouldn't share your life with him.  The relationship between the two of you is long over and the only thing that should matter is your happiness and your son's happiness.

If he hadn't cheated, gotten diseases and abused you, the relationship may have lasted, but HE chose to be a loser....don't let that rub off on you.  You got away from a rotten, mean man and you should be proud you did.  Concentrate on being the best mom you can be and forget about what his father does.

Hope this helps!

Answer 5

first of all, it was most likely not completely your fault this relationship didnt work. why would he marry you? he got everything he wanted WITHOUT marrying you. so thats kinda your own fault. you have children you need to focus us. your relationship with the father is over. he has moved on and someday you will too. it doesnt matter if he respects you or tells you things or loves you or anything.  focus on your children and yourself. you should get out and meet new people, make new friends. take a class or something. get to know some people and eventually you will find true love. why are you so upset over someone that had VD? your crazy && most likely better off without him. please do somethings for yourself. dont worry about what the doushbag is doing. he will cheat on her & give her VD & the same thing will happen that happened to you. he seems set in his ways. get over him. please for your sake & the sake of your children.  

Answer 6

maintaining a healthy relationship with your child is the best thing that you can do for  him. His father has the responsibility to maintain his own relationship with your child. children have but one mom and one dad..you raise up the child in a proper matter..parents who are not living together basically raise the children differently which places more pressures of the children in the long run..violence is abuse, the man is your abuser..no one has to take any kind of abuse and he is totally responsble for his own abusive behaviors and for cheating..you did the right thing by getting him out of your life..like you have done.. and you can keep a journal of what is going on with the child and document issues that arise. You may want to consider seeking out some professional advice about your child' emotional wellbeing and helping him cope with the new changes that have occurred in his life with dad and a step parent. you seem like a great parent.

Answer 7

1.  you chose a crappy guy to have a relationship and a child with and you chose to stay with him even though you knew he was bad for you.  Feel bad about that--not that the relationship failed.  The relationship failing was the GOOD thing.

2.  he may not be married to this woman, she may just be living with him.  Now she gets to put up with all of the cheating and STDs that he brings home to her.

3.  work on your self-esteem issues.  Sit and really think about what you want in a relationship and a permanent partner and then go after a quality man who treats you and your child right--not trash.

Answer 8

It always takes 2 to tango. It is the past and you need to work on the new you. He has moved on...so shall you...So go figure what is good for you and try to do it. When your son goes for visits...what do you do? Better yet, what could you be doing to better yourself and improve your inner strength? How a bout getting a friend and go to the Gym?...Take some taibo class or something...work on you for a change...I divorced 'cause I wanted kids...now have 2 and one more in the works...be strong for your son...More importanly...be happy.

Take Care

Answer 9

1. you do not say that you know they are married they may just be living to gether

2, what happened was NOT your fault, bringing home VD twice??? be glad you are well out of it

3, have a word with his dad, he should have eased your little one in easier than this, he should prepare him better than he has

i would be glad he is not your problem anymore

you are probably not in a relationship just now because you are concentrating on being a mommy, well done you

Answer 10

Don't even worry about that man. He is not worthy of your thoughts.

Answer 11

Hey why worry, this man did you wrong from day one. You should be happy you didn't marry him. You will find that person you need to be with. Try to keep positive andthings will work out.

Answer 12

Honestly I think you really dodge a bullet by him not asking you to marry him.  Why in the world anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone that lied and cheated on them is just beyond me.  You are right about him not respecting you.  It is obvious since he did cheat on you.  

None of this however is your fault.  The only thing you seem to have done wrong here is have feeling for a dirt bag.  I get the feeling that you kind of hoped things might work out for you two eventually? I think you need to make a serious effort to move on and be happy.  

You sound like a very nice person and I am sure you have a lot to offer someone.  You are obviously very compassionate and forgiving to have put up with him for as long as you did.  

Stop thinking about him and how happy he seems to be.  Start thinking about yourself and doing things that make you happy.  

Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 13

He's your son's dad, but forget him. You need to learn to enjoy and build your own life. Get a job, get some new friends, get further education if you can. Make your son proud. It's ok being single; don't worry about it. Keep good people as your friends, and someday you'll find a good guy who knows how to treat you right.

Answer 14

Be glad you are rid of him.  This new woman will find out soon enough who he really is.   Kids are resilient.  Your son will be fine. Dont worry.

Answer 15

Dear justme,

By the sounds of things you should be grateful this man didn't mention marriage to you.

You're right in saying that "He was a huge part of why we could never work", probably the bigger part if you had any part at all.

With the danger of sounding harsh, could it be a lack in respect for yourself that he didn't respect you? Obviously he's generally not a respectful guy, but it seems as though you allowed him to disrespect you. That said, he is out of your life.

Want better for yourself, don't want him. Concentrated on being the best mum you can be to your beloved son and be very careful who you chose to father your son in the future. A man who doesn't love your son, won't make a happy family.

I have a step father who loves me and I him.

Hope this helps.

Answer 16

You need to stop whining and thank your lucky stars you are rid of him. Live your life and don't worry about what he is up to. So what if your son has a new mommy, you are his real mommy and she is only the first of many step mommies...

Answer 17

Tell your son never forget who his real mom is, let that be the only thing that matters to you.