Mature answers please...how do I explain to my husband without sounding meddling?

Question

My husband of 1 year has a grown daughter in college. He supports her with rent and insurance, and she pays for her tuition and other expenses with a couple of side jobs and student loans. However, she has not been taught money management skills and frequently asks her dad for money (twice in the last 2 weeks). She's humble about it and is a good and loving kid, it's not like I think she's taking advantage. But having gone through this pattern myself when I was in college, I strongly feel that he isn't doing her any favors by constantly giving her money when she's "broke".

I understand it's one of a father's strongest instincts to provide for his kids, but at some point I feel she needs to learn how to prioritize her spending and differentiate between "needs" and "wants". However, being the stepparent, I'm concerned about taking on the role of evil stepmother trying to control dad's money, since it's usually advised for the stepparent to stay out of it. When I try to talk to him about it, he says "I know I'm a softie" and gets depressed and loses sleep over his finances. Any advice on how to better approach this?

Answer 1

Since she is his only child he prob feels this is his only chance to spoil his little girl.You hav to see his way of thinking, try showing him that a girl her age needs to learn, tell him that trhis will not help her when she gets older, try to get him to give her an allowence every week of a certain amount.

Answer 2

Remind him that learning to manage money is a skill she will use her entire life suggest that instead of cutting her off altogether perhaps he could set a limit as to how much she may borrow him in a certain period (month, semester, etc). If she and he are not used to it, starting small may help him as he won't feel he has abandoned her and will help her to learn to gradually have less and less access to her "emergency fund".

Answer 3

Someone has too, he feels guilty and would probably mortgage the home to help his daughter. Just say sweetie, it was time Suzi learned to manage money.

Answer 4

It's good that you are sensitive to the fact that you are a step-parent because all too often the steps try to overstep their bounds in setting rules that a parent should make.

An approach I would suggest would be to find money-management courses at either a local community college or company gathering.  Some of these are a one-time course and you pay a small fee per person and a specialist will teach a room full of people, or individuals the keys to managing their finances.  I would look these up online, under a Google or Yahoo search on 'Money Management Course', or 'Financial Course'.  

Then I would approach your husband and say, 'Honey, I know Mary borrowing money has been very stressful for you.  I understand her position as I, too was having to borrow from my parents at her age.  I hope you don't mind but I thought that perhaps the three of us attending this lecture together might give us all some tips on financial savings and could potentially help cut down her borrowing.  Would you like to go to this?  I've looked it up and it is only $XX per person and is only 4 hours long.  I think it will help us all.'

This way you are not accusing, you are not name-calling.  You are sympathetic and are compassionate to not only his position, but his daughter's.  You are sincerely wanting to help not only her, but you two as well.  This is a great way to let her know you are concerned, without making her feel more awful then she already does.  

Good luck but I would seriously look into these lectures/courses.  

Answer 5

Suggest he include it in the budget. After all it's YOUR money too now. She's a grown woman now; she needs to learn things herself. Tell her that you've budgeted only so much for "help" and after that, she's on her own.