Mature people, please help?

Question

My (ex)husband and I divorced in March after 10 years of marriage. However, we recently got back together. Now I feel out of touch with myself. I had moved on, even dated someone else. I know I love him, I know he loves me. But part of me, because he is the one that left, feels so betrayed and hurt by everything he put me through, that I don't know if I can ever fully trust him again. He says he's there for the right reasons, that he realizes what he did. As much as I love him, I just don't know if I can ever really make him happy, or that he can ever make me happy again. Did I do the right thing ?

Oh, we also have a WONDERFUL 6 year old daughter.

Answer 1

You need to take time to heal. I know part of you wants everything to be like it was before the divorce and bad behavior that led up to it.  That is not going to happen, ever.  

If you think you can forge a new relationship then I would suggest that you go to couples therapy together.

Answer 2

You need to seek counseling as a couple to work through your issues. It would be very hard to trust someone after they did that to you.  Try to remember the good times and what brought you together in the first place.  There must be some thing there or you would not have gotten back together.  Your 6 year old daughter is probably thrilled to have you and her Daddy back together.

Let your husband know your feelings about the trust issue and remind him that it will take awhile before you learn that you can truly trust him again and he will need to prove to you that he is trustworthy.

You might also try prayer.  Ask God to help you and he learn to be a couple again. Ask Him to make you into the kind of wife that your husband needs and to make your husband into the kind of partner that you need.  God gives us trials to help strengthen our faith and to let us appreciate the good times when we get them. Let Him help you.

Good Luck

Answer 3

I have always said that once you leave, there is no going back.  I firmly believe that people who break-up and get back together are doomed to fail.  I have seen it happen too many times.  If you really want to try, then you should but, it sounds like you already have issues with him.  I'm sorry, I just think it's probably time to move on.

Answer 4

If you divorced why would you have any desire to put yourself through this for a second time around?

Trust? Well...it can always be regained but not for a very long time and even then the nagging doubts will still haunt you. but it's possible to get some of that back but don't expect to have things the way they were beforehand because that'll never happen.

And if you don't know what it is that will make him happy, try asking. As far as you ever being happy again; that's up to you and what you're willing to settle for. After 10 years of marriage I'm sure that you and he have made plenty of concessions together. that's usually what keeps a marriage going. A lot depends upon what the transgression was that both drove you to divorce and him moving out. Extramarital affair? That's usually the main reason (or so it seems) that things like this happen.

So if you think between the two of you that you can make it work and correct any mistakes that may have contributed to the breakup in the fist place then go for it. You'll have your work cut out for you but remember, it's easy to call everything off again. You've done it once. The taste of freedom is sweet. Actually i guess the appropriate term would be bittersweet. Once you found what life is like apart from one another and that new found freedom feeling beckons again you may decide that he isn't worth working to keep.

But in any case, best of luck.

Answer 5

honestly if he really loved why did he go through with the divorce leave him alone and keep doing what you're doing no guilt involved

Answer 6

Trust is essential to a relationship but understandably hard to rebuild after you have been so hurt.  I don't know if you did this before your divorce, but I would highly recommend you and your (ex)husband see a counselor.  Talking through some of those issues with a neutral party could help inform your decision of whether to get back together.  Be patient and very open with each other in the meantime, and at the very least make it your goal to have a positive relationship with him for the sake of your wonderful daughter.  Good luck.

Answer 7

I'm wondering why you got back together with him in the first place.

Sometimes you can love someone with all your heart, but know that it isn't the best idea to live together for whatever reason.

It might be beneficial to stay together for your daughter, but not if you feel like you're living a lie. She's getting old enough to start understanding what's going on; I'd make a decision and stick with it.  

Answer 8

well i felt the same way with my boyfriend after we broke up, and still t this day i feel that i cant love him with all my heart, because i dont want my heart to get broken like that again.... he feels the same way and he told me that he cant love me and trust me all the way, and i feel the same way about him, my man makes me happy all the time, i just need attention:) but i hope that i helped:) you are doing the right thing:) good luck:)

Answer 9

go to counseling immediately.  while you did get back together, and he realizes his mistakes, you did not fix what caused the issues in the first place.  that being the case, you will most likely arrive at the same result.  you both need to find a way to break the cycle.

Answer 10

If you just recently got back together, I"m not surprised you are feeling the way you do. If this was me, I would give it some more time and see where it leads. Since you say he is back for the right reasons, maybe he just needed to separate to understand how much you really mean to him (you don't know what you've got till it's gone type of thing). Since the love seems to be there, it's more about trust, then only time and his ability to show that he's back for the long haul will be able to help some of your concerns. As far as making him happy or you making him happy, I don't know the answer there. Since I don't know either of you. Happiness is a relative term, so what makes me happy may not be the same for you. Only the two of you can determine that. It's going to take some time and a lot of effort on both of your parts to make this work. Who knows, maybe this time around will be better than the first, but only time can tell.

Answer 11

Only time will tell.

Answer 12

This is something the two of you really need to talk over. It is completely fair for you to tell him "Look, I'm really glad we're back together, but when you left it caused me a lot of pain that I need your help working through. I'd like us to take time to build up our trust and our relationship again."

A counselor may help a great deal - in fact, I recommend seeing a counselor once in a while even if your marriage is going very well, just as a way of keeping things from growing out of hand.

Answer 13

the key thing was you went out there on your own and did it without him and started to enjoy that freedom.

that is why you are kind of like....should I even waste my time here. I was doing just fine.

It's your call. Something similar happened during my seperation...I tried so hard to repair my marriage....then once I got settled in and started doing my thing....eventually I lost the passion to care to salvage anymore....that's when you know who showed up at the door wanting back in.

and I mean literally at my door. funny how that whole "never miss a good thing until it's gone" deal works out.  

Answer 14

I'd see a counselor.  Going back and forth with your ex isn't going to be conductive of creating a stable environment for your child, which is your #1 concern.

Answer 15

Your saying you don't know if you can stand him or not.  I'm not sure how to advise you on this one, you'll have to go with your own instincts.  If it feels wrong for you it probably is.  Consider how your life is going to be lived from this point forward, do you think you can live with it?  How do you see the future with both of you?  It's possible to work it all out, and maybe be even stronger than you were before, but what kind of man is he really?  Do you see him going back to his old habits?  Think about it.