May I have an honest critique of this poem please?

Question

There's no more armor!

I'll don aluminum,

To protect you!

They'd better respect you!

I won't stand them being neglectful!

I am just a man.

Made of dust and God's breath.

The flesh decays,

Yet the spirit won't see death.

With that clear,

I have no reason to give fear,

Employment,

Enjoyment.

I give fear quick deployment.

Pack that trash!

Put those shakes in a bag,

And leave me.

Yet I will never leave you.

God Blessed me,

With a heart of gold and platinum hopes.

That's why I fight best on the ropes.

Answer 1

Hi Semper,

It's got a good message and a nice flow to it. As far as critique goes, here are a couple things to think about:

Watch your use of exclamation points; too many of them seem to blunt their power. It also doesn't sound like every one of them is truly spoken with that level of force (L3 and L5 I wonder if periods would work better--when it's all a shout nothing is a shout.

I also seem to be looking for a minor transition either at the beginning of L1 (When) or L2 (So) or some other equivalent.

L7: You may want to consider breaking up this line and cutting the "and"

Made of dust

God's breath

I know it's technically dust and God's breath but I think it reads better (just a suggestion)

L11: consider replacing "to give" with "for"

I like "Put those shakes in a bag,"

Be careful using "heart of gold" as it's a bit overused and cliche...platinum hopes is much more original...maybe "With a heart of platinum hopes"

Also "on the ropes" is a bit cliche as well I know there is a bit of a rhyme there, but I think you can come up with something better.

So, I did like it. I hope some of that was helpful.

Best,

Todd

Edit: Pat: It's not that I don't see that interpretation as a possibility. You can still keep the line break the way I mentioned though you may need to put a colon after "made of"

Answer 2

Well, I really liked the poem, but you should change some words of the poem, like aluminum and platinum, it sounds like a poem about the periodic table. The meaning of this poem is excellent. Just change those words.

Good Luck :D

Answer 3

"Platinum hopes," excellent image and you certainly do have a heart of gold.

Answer 4

This is so beautiful and has such powerful,yet tender lines...."I am just a man. Made of dust and God's breath"...incredible.  That fragile yet mighty strength runs throughout your poem.  Nothing can deny that "the spirit won't see death" so there is nothing to fear. I truly believe this is so.  You have stated the truth so eloquently.  Thank you.

Answer 5

Very well spoken.

Answer 6

Not bad, not bad at all.  Nice beat and rhythm and flow.  Haven't a clue what it's about but I enjoyed the read.  Write on!

Answer 7

I like it. Flows well.

Answer 8

I definitely want you covering my back!

Answer 9

Made of dust

God's breath

someone offered this.  it reads like this: made of dust is Gods breath.  so leave that the way you wrote it. so thinks me.

This is good work.. assurance, reassurance, a mission statement . Very masculine and  loyal.