May I have your opinions of this?

Question

The Hall of Injustice

The hall: dark, long

Walls of Tuscany gold

February like clouds lift

As if . . . Sun shines

Beckoning on words

Forward always too

Rodin carved doors

Demanding authority

Pity . . . battle ram

Needless—unlatched

Gait steady, stride

Gate opened wide

Reservations made

Preyed . . . I should’ve

Baptismal disappointment

Obsidian orbs

Indiscriminately capturing

Light eternally held

Fell . . . unmentionable depths

Arson, murder, theft

A chair, a throne

Mine to have

Minds to own

Else led to the hall

Dark and long

I apologize that this isn't a happy, warm hearted poem. All it's trying to say is: A life lived unjust leads to another life unjust, and another, and another, etc.

Please let me know if this "style" works, or if I should lengthen it with more details.

This is a rough draft (basically a free write to get started on something) and I have the skin of a rhino so don't worry about hurting my feelings.

Answer 1

This is filled with good ideas; strong images with interesting word usages. I don't know if the poetry is complete. The punctuation is a little abrupt at times. The ellipse and dash should have very strong transitions for them to indicate.

Answer 2

Hide like a rhino, eh? Oh, that is so tempting.........

Nah!

Not a bad first draft. Needs a bit of spit and polish.

Answer 3

Warm and fuzzy is not always needed,,, in fact without a reality check and balance neither the warm nor it's flip side of cold truth works worth a hoot.

Without the explanation what I thought it was about was someone facing death by the state,,, stanza 1 & 2 seemed to be about a trial,,, then 3, 4, & 5 about the walk to the death room and dying.

Maybe I have read it all wrong,,, even re-reading it I cannot shake my initial impression.