May I invite you to this poem?

Question

I stand on a platform

Scented with urine and steam

Waiting for my train

My day, not the greatest

My energy depleted

Like a shadow

I seek a crevice to hide

Staring at the tracks

I see a rat's balancing act

On the third rail

They say this city never sleeps

Sleep is what I want

More than even a graffiti scarred train

But a warbled announcement

Perhaps from Charlie brown's teacher

Tells me neither will come soon

My train will be late

Sleep will rest a bit longer

My rat circus makes a curtain call

As I stand on a platform

Scented with urine and steam

Answer 1

Great work!  I love the sensory imagery and the fact that you use concrete reality.  I think you can make it more "poetic" by removing some of the more prosaic areas, such as "I see" and "I seek."  Just let the images speak for themselves.

Answer 2

Beautiful.

Answer 3

yes i like that,its good,i like reading different writing,tired of waiting,keep it up,well done.i like how your top 2 lines and your bottom 2,match,finish what you started.

Answer 4

Very vivid, uncomfortable city scene.

Answer 5

I would hyphenate 'graffiti scarred' (graffiti-scarred). Not as bad as it seemed it was going to be. Interesting. You have been 'Ianoed'.

Answer 6

"Hi!",

You expressed your feelings well.

WELL DONE!

Cheers :)

Answer 7

You can tell a story.  Your poetry is awesome.

look at mine?   http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 8

Done well, the feelings exude from the words.  My daughter often encounters the same on the rails of Chicago.

Answer 9

Love this one , lots of imagination with the rat, the train, just really like it and an easy read to boot!!   Cheers!!

Answer 10

Subways are not my favorite way to travel...too long on Boston's T..the red line.  Your fine descriptive power is evident here.

The allusion to Charlie Brown's teacher warbling is brilliant!

Answer 11

As the rat might say "life stinks, who'd wanna be a human?

Stifling platforms stink of humanity and aging technology. Forget the fuel-burning cars, it's the subway per-fumes choking the populus.

Brilliant word picture Semper - did the rat get many green bills in his hat? "Stingy humans".

Answer 12

Thank you for sharing....I really enjoyed that- what vivid imagery! :)

Answer 13

Commute can be a b--ch.  Did it - by car and rail. I think the rail was worse. It was longer and colder - but at least - I could get in a cat nap - if my car neighbors looked safe ;-) ♥

Answer 14

WOW!!!

You are a poet, my friend.  Keep writing like this and you will be on 60 Minutes!!!

It's excellent!!

Answer 15

Very visual

I could envision myself standing invisible beside you

with the stench and filth surrounded us.