May somebody please proofread or revise my essay?

Question

Hi there, I am currently in my freshman year of college and I'll have to admit that I am not such a good writer at all. If there are any puncuation, missing commas, or misspelling, I apologize...I wrote a response paper abuot how the crowd in Texas reacted to the Dixie Chicks lead singer's comments.

When I read my news article of the Dixie Chicks lead vocalist expressing her thoughts about "being ashamed of our president of the United States is from Texas," I was in complete shock. While I was conducting research on the Dixie Chicks themselves, I found it very interesting that the lead vocalist who expressed her thoughts is from Texas herself, while the other members of the band were born and raised in Massachusetts amd Pennsylvania respectively. Once I found out that the lead vocalist was actually born and raised from Texas, I immediately labeled her as a hypocrite. I think she delivered the ridiculous comment due to her celebrity status and the fame which in my opinion, has gone to her head. Natalie Maines should of expressed her deepest feelings in a different statement, for an example, "I do not like George W. Bush's decision for keeping troops in Iraq." What I found very cowardice of the Dixie Chicks is that they offered an apology immediately after the comment was made which makes me think the Dixie Chicks lead singer is unintelligent or doesn't think before she addresses the crowd.

George W. Bush himself even stated that America is a free country and the Dixie Chicks have the freedom of speech to whatever they like to say, but it would not affect his presidential decisions whatsoever which I find very professional from Bush himself.

In my personal opinion, I think many people took the comment very personally and took it a little bit too far by banning the Dixie Chicks music from radio play and sabotaging their music. It came to a surprise when many people supported the "chicken toss" party where many critics and activists encouraged to dump the group's music - including tapes, videos, and ticket stubs compact discs, and concert tickets into trash cans which I find stupid as they paid for it out of their own pocket. I don't know if it was just me, but I always thought that the heart and soul of country music originated and rested from the state of Texas.

Answer 1

"being ashamed of our president of the United States is from Texas," unless you are quoting directly, I would put, "being ashamed that the president of the United States is from Texas" or " ashamed our President of the United States is from Texas"

Answer 2

First of all, take out "respectively" as it is not needed, since the members names were not listed.

The last sentence is trite, Remove "I don't know if it was just me" as it has no real meaning. The heart and soul do not "rest" anywhere. Furthermore, country music did not originate in Texas. WESTERN music did, but not country music. See Wikipedia for more on this. This entire end has nothing to do with the rest of the essay.

Eliminate "from Bush himself" as it is not necessary.

Double-check your punctuation.

Regards,

Dan

Answer 3

I have made  suggestions in the text. I like your passion, that is a fine quality in a writer. Passion is not always easy for a writer to  communicate. My critique is that you tend to get a bit wordy, keep sentences to 10-15 words,  Keep the writing simple. Don't repeat phrases or reuse the same words, it tends to confuse the reader. It is always nice to end with a bit of a hook...mine here is a tad corny but also nicely nostalgic... look for endings to your pieces that put a neat twist or tag on your work. Compare your work and mine. Do you understand why I made the changes? Writing so that the work flows is never in the first draft, it occurs in the rewrites. Keep rewriting until it flows! Each tiny refinement adds to a polished finish!

The news article in which Dixie Chicks' lead vocalist, Natalie Maines, said she was "ashamed our president of the United States is from Texas" put me into complete shock. When I  researched the Dixie Chicks, I found it very interesting that the aforementioned  lead vocalist is from Texas, while the other band members were born and raised in Massachusetts and Pennsylvania. Once I knew that Ms. Maines was actually born and raised in Texas, I immediately labeled her a hypocrite. I think she offered that ridiculous comment simply because of her celebrity status,which has obviously gone to her head. Natalie Maines would have been wiser to express her deeply held feelings in a different manner; saying for example: "I do not agree with George W. Bush's decision to keep troops in Iraq." I believe it was outright cowardice on the part of the Dixie Chicks to offer an apology immediately after the comment was made. It certainly made it appear that the Dixie Chicks' lead singer is either unintelligent or doesn't bother to think before she addresses a crowd.

President George W. Bush commented that America is a free country and the Dixie Chicks have the freedom to say whatever they like, but their notions would not affect his presidential decisions, which I found very professional on his part.

In my opinion, too many people took the comment personally and carried things a bit far by sabotaging the Chicks' music and banning it from radio play. It came as a surprise that folks would support a "chicken toss" party where critics and activists  encouraged people to dump the group's music - including tapes, videos,  ticket stubs, compact discs, and concert tickets into trash cans. I found that gesture foolish as the crowd had paid for those items with hard earned cash. I may be wrong, but I always thought that the very soul of country music originated and remains deep in the heart of Texas.

Answer 4

Hi

I went through your work and changed and omitted a few words, corrected some punctuation and have pasted it below for you.  There are a few trouble spots you need to look at.  Look for the changes and see if you agree or not.

When I read the news article of the Dixie Chicks lead vocalist expressing her thoughts about "being ashamed of our president of the United States is from Texas," I was in complete shock. While researching the Dixie Chicks themselves, I found it very interesting that the lead vocalist who expressed her thoughts, is from Texas herself, while the other members of the band were born and raised in Massachusetts and Pennsylvania respectively. Once I found out that the lead vocalist was actually born and raised from Texas, I immediately labeled her as a hypocrite. I think she delivered the ridiculous comment due to her celebrity status and the fame which, in my opinion, has gone to her head. Natalie Maines should have expressed her deepest feelings in a different statement.  For example, "I do not like George W. Bush's decision for keeping troops in Iraq." What I found very cowardice of the Dixie Chicks is that they offered an apology immediately after the comment was made which makes me think the Dixie Chicks lead singer is unintelligent or doesn't think before she addresses the crowd.

George W. Bush himself even stated that America is a free country and the Dixie Chicks have the freedom of speech to whatever they like to say, but it would not affect his presidential decisions whatsoever which I find very professional from Bush himself.

In my personal opinion, I think many people took the comment very personally and

***  HOW ABOUT USE THE WORD  'BUT" INSTEAD OF 'AND' ****

took it a bit too far by banning the Dixie Chicks music from radio play and sabotaging their music.

{{{It came to a surprise when many people supported the "chicken toss" party where many critics and activists encouraged to dump the group's music - including tapes, videos, and ticket stubs compact discs, and concert tickets into trash cans which I find stupid as they paid for it out of their own pocket.}}} THE BEGINNING OF THE SENTENCE DOESNT MAKE SENSE "it came to a surprise"  YOU NEED TO FIX THAT AND THIS IS A VERY LONG RUN ON SENTENCE.    YOU NEED TO FIX THIS.

I don't know if it was just me, but I always thought that the heart and soul of country music originated and ****rested ****from the state of Texas.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY BY USING THE WORD  rested?  If you mean "support", I dont think it goes here.  Perhaps you should say something about being proud of Texas and its music heritage...just a suggestion.

Hope this helps!