May someone please grade this SAT Essay? (1 out of 6)?

Question

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

There are those who believe that everything we do is inspired by the desire for power in its various forms. They maintain that our actions are nothing but expressions of a striving for power. In this view, even when we act kindly toward other people, we are motivated, whether we know it or not, by a desire to have some control over their lives, for our act of kindness puts them partially in our power.

Adapted from Leszek Kolakowski, Freedom, Fame, Lying, and Betrayal: Essays on Everyday Life

Assignment:

Are people's actions motivated primarily by a desire for power over others? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Answer 1

You started off by giving the reader your stance on the topic, which is one of the most important criteria that graders are looking for (ambiguity kills scores). However the essay started to become very informal through the body paragraphs. The vocabulary is quite mediocre but that is fine because if you start using higher vocabulary incorrectly then it reflects your inability of writing a sentence. The actual information you gave to prove your point was also not that strong and does not help prove your thesis as well as it should.

Also PLEASE remember this, when I was taught to teach students at Elite and Princeton Review they could not emphasize this more, your essay does not have to be the typical 5 paragraph essay. Do not attempt to write that 3rd body paragraph if you are short of time because a weak conclusion, such as the one you have written, will harm you MUCH more than only have two body paragraphs.

Out of 6, I would give it a 3. I don't know if you have thought about it, but I actually recommend taking the ACT test because their prompts might actually fit your writing style better.