Meeting First Mom...Is this ethical?

Question

Hi. My foster child's mom is currently in prison. She has not seen her child since he was removed at birth (17 months ago) for a variety of reasons. We are only fostering at this point...so she is free to see him at any time if she sets up an appointment with CPS. So far, she has not committed to any appointments. We are meeting her this week without our child being present b/c CPS wants her to sign over her rights. She wants to meet us before she decides to do so--'to see if she is ok with us'. We have little to no doubt that we will eventually get full custody based on a variety of circumstances with this case....but going through the courts will take far longer than her signing over her rights willingly. Our CPS worker has suggested that if mom requests to see her son during the meeting, then we should make that conditional upon her signing away her rights. My husband agrees...saying that she has every right to see him currently...but chooses not to do so, so technically we aren't 'pushing' her to do anything. I am a bit leery of this...as I feel like it is coercive. Technically he/CPS is right. If she decides to not sign anything, the very next day (and until the case is closed) she is fully able to visit with her son. But for some reason, in my mind it still sounds coercive to offer up incentives for her to sign the paperwork...even if she does have every right to those same incentives right now and after the meeting. I guess it just feels like everyone else wants this meeting to result in a formal termination of her rights, while I am just seeking more information for my son to have about his first family...regardless of the outcome. At the end of the day, I want to be able to look this child in the eye and KNOW that I did the right thing at all times concerning his well-being and concerning his first family. So, is this ethical/good/ right? I am rereading the question and thinking like my husband, that of course it is ethical...we aren't giving her anything she doesn't already have access to...but then why does it feel wrong??

Answer 1

They do that all the time to parents jail or no jail. The quicker its closed the more time they have for other cases. Too many overworked social workers have become numb and don't care.  

Answer 2

I get what you are saying and I say for you to go with your heart on this one.  Do what you would want done to you in this situation.  If you feel it is wrong to basically give her an ultimatum to see him your are probably right.  If it was me I would give her a chance to sign them and if she doesnt then go to court and do it the long way.  Because if you feel the least bit unsure about doing it then you will feel guilty for it down the line, and you will have that on your mind everyday.  Well good luck in this situation and do what YOU think is best.  And take good care of that baby as I am sure you will.

Answer 3

I think you already know the answer to this one. Would you want someone telling you that in order to see you son you had to terminate your rights, even if you had not chosen to see him thus far? Follow your heart, you know what to do.

Answer 4

Your instincts are right.  

Answer 5

Hi TB,

The reason it 'feels' coercive, in my opinion, is in the phrase "make that conditional upon".  It sounds like CPS is trying to persuade you to 'threaten' to take away a right (seeing her son) that she has now -- which you actually can NOT do -- UNLESS she agrees to give up her rights voluntarily.  If she has the legal right to see her son (used or not though it may be) and will retain that right unless/until her parental rights are terminated, it sounds like CPS is setting you up to "make a promise (threat/condition) you can not keep".  It just doesn't make sense.  Can you legally refuse to let her see her son?  Can CPS?  If I'm reading the question correctly, neither you nor CPS can actually act on the condition they want you to 'set'.  It looks to me like something that could do you a lot of harm and no (or little) good.

This situation stinks to high heaven for me!

I have read your answers for a long time now and I usually agree completely with what you say.  I agree with what you're saying here too, in that this feels "wrong" to you.  In my opinion, it is wrong.  YOU, as the current caretakers and likely future parents of her son should not be involved in any way with the termination of her rights.  The *vibe* I got when I read what CPS was asking you to do was that it would be 'easier' for them (CPS) and that you, essentially, would be doing part of their job for them.

Generally speaking, helping out in situations that one is comfortable with is not a problem.  I don't advise people not to help others' simply because it's "not their job".  I'm all about the sharing!

However, you clearly are not comfortable with this.  I don't blame you.  You know the situation a lot better than we (in Y!A) do and if, as you say, her rights will likely be terminated through the courts anyway -- or that she will likely sign a relinquishment once she decides she's "okay with you" then why not just let it play out like that?  There's something really 'hinky' about CPS wanting you to use incentives/bribes to steer her in that direction.  YIKES!

I think you have a good heart (from reading what you've written over time) and I think you'll make the best choice you can for the situation.  Best of luck to you all!  I'll be keeping a happy thought for you!

Take care!

Answer 6

It may be legal but it doesn't sound ethical AND it DOES sound coercive.  Remember, YOU have to be able to sleep at night, knowing you did the right thing. As you said, when the child is older and asking questions, you will want to know in your heart you did the right and honorable thing. It's still her child.  Let her see her child and go thru the courts.  

Answer 7

I agree with your feelings.  Go with your gut!

Answer 8

As far as being coercive, the person you should be asking is your attorney or your foster son's guardian at litem.  She shouldn't sign anything without attorneys (hers and yours) being present anyway.  When our daughter's birthmother signed the papers, our daughter was there.  It was a very emotional meeting.  Her rights would have been terninated through the courts as well, but we worked really hard so that it wouldn't come to that.

If she is coerced, she could use that later as a reason to try to get him back if she got her act together and could prove that she could provide for him.

Answer 9

if you are offering her what was already her right, why would you need to offer it ?........if it is not to be coersive then what is it for???

doesn't sound ethical to me, go with your gutt.

Answer 10

Just because something is LEGAL does not mean that it is ETHICAL.  Can you imagine describing this sequence of events to the child some day?  Can you imagine the conflicting feelings that would be created by knowing your aparents forced your bmom to sign away rights just to see her own child?  

Just because the bmom has not exercised her right to demand visitation, why do you assume that it is because she doesn't want to or just doesn't care?  Only she knows why she has chosen not to see her child.  And I would be willing to bet that it is a complicated combination of many feelings.

Think carefully about this situation from the CHILD'S point of view.  Not just the child as a toddler...but also as a teenager struggling with identity and as 40-something adult.  Your actions will have long-term effects.  If it were me, I would definitely act in a way that I could completely defend and explain.  A clear conscious is a soft pillow.

Answer 11

I agree.  It sounds shaky to me, even if it is legal.