Meeting half way in new relationship (couple in 40's) - asking here and in singles and dating

Question

I am just about 40, boyfriend is 40.... we have been dating exclusively now for only about 2 months. Things seem great... when we are together or when we speak, but the in between times, there seems a disconnect. we do live about an hour apart from one another and see each others sometimes 3x a week, sometimes 1 x a week... usually every other weekend for most of the weekends (we are both divorced and have our kids every other weekend - same weekends, so that is understandable). I think the question is, how often should we be communicating. I do not want to seem 'needy'.. but I think a daily call just to see how one anothers day is going is reasonable.. we always speak at night (most nights) for an average of an hour or some nights even two).. but he seem to think a daytime call is not necessary and says he has never been in a relationship where a girlfriend or even his ex wife, called during the day - unless something important came up. I can not help but feel unimportant. I have never been in a relationship where my partner and I did not speak for a few minutes once or twice during the workday. I think this is about filling a need - he thinks this is about control... Control? What?

I could see if we were just casually dating, then we would not communicate every single day - but he wanted it to be exclusive... and I agreed... we have a ton in common and even hail from the same hometowns... so it seems like a good fit... other than this issue. we have met one another kids, are planning on meeting parents, have even discussed the future... but I can not see me feeling neglected for the rest of my life - or feeling like I am a pain to a man I adore...

I need the opinions of others - preferably those in happy relationships...am I being too demanding.... is he being less than enthusiastic?

Answer 1

It could mean you want more then the situation is letting happen, just remember you are all in your 40's or so and you both had lives before you met each other. So he might still be caught in his day time routine of not having to call or receive a call from someone.  The other thing might be he is sub-consciously afraid of getting closer or taking it to the next level, due to no fault of his own, maybe he just doesn't see that.  Don't push, just feel it out.  What the heck, give him a call during the day and if he ask why it is important then say YES, I miss you!  And besides like you said he came from a background of no one calling and you were just the opposite.  Try not to sweat the little things. (Millionaires go broke many times before they become rich!)Good Luck...

Answer 2

I disagree with the others.

As a 40+ man in a good relationship (20+years) I do not want my wife calling me everyday at work.  It has nothing to do with love/not love, it has to do with respect.  I work hard and need to concentrate at work.  I don't want someone (anyone) calling me during work just to chat.  It shows a lack of respect for my job.  I'm not a teenage boy who wants to do "puppy talk" during the day.

If you push this, you can damage things.  Just chill out.  Don't be so childish and needy.  That would really turn me off.

Answer 3

first off your problem lies in him. if he cant go at this relationship with you on a clean slate, your doomed. he can't compare what you two have to a failed relationship he had prior. bringing up issues of control over a daytime phone call. honestly, it sounds to me like he has issues he needs to work out before he can be in a healthy relationship. i don't know the whole story of course, but i know what your feeling is valid and he should address it. i do think he could put more energy and attention into the relationship, it needs to give on both sides. and for some reason, i think you know all of this and just need confirmation. so here it is....you do the things that make you happy, quit worring about if your a pain to some man, he should be worried about making and keeping you happy. thats what a good life is all about. happiness.

Answer 4

It is important that you say to him the same way you said it here--that it makes you happy to feel connected, even if it is just through a short chat during the day.  It is not an unreasonable need, and by the time you are 40 years old it is high time to assert yourself when your needs are not being met.  Just be tactful--let him know it brightens your day or gives you a little boost just to touch base once during the day--don't make it sound like an attack.  His reaction ought to tell you everything you need to know.

Answer 5

If you need to talk to your significant other a couple of times during the work day you are being needy. My wife and I have been happily married for 34 years. I can count on one hand the number of times she has called me at work or me calling her. If you can't go 12 hours without talking to this person you are needy and need counseling.

A few years ago I spent seven weeks in England visiting my daughter and helping out while she had a baby. My wife works so it was out of the question for her to take off work. I on the other hand am disabled/retired. We would go a couple of days without talking. She detest computers so we didn't communicate like that. Some days she would call and speak with my daughter and we wouldn't talk. I guess we are both comfortable with were we are with each other. She knows me and I know her. We have never had reason to be jealous of the other. If you don't trust the other person in your relationship or him you then you need to keep on shopping around. I wouldn't live 15 minutes with someone whom I couldn't trust.

I have a theory about people who have been married and divorced. I have three friends who have eleven marriages between them. I have listened to their story over the years since two of them are lifelong friends since kindergarten. Every time they get divorced and back out in the dating scene again they end up the very first person that reminds them of the previous mate.  They are attracted to a person that has a very similar personality traits. They have proven that they can't get along with someone with this personality but that is the people that they seek out.

My one friend who just ended his fifth marriage explained it like this, "I am just not compatible..........with anyone but myself."

If a small item like not agreeing about talking during the day is making you feel slighted you need to talk to someone. That is very minor.