Men, would you ever think about the unborn child you left behind?

Question

I know someone who would like to find/meet her biological father. According to the bio-mom, when her birthmother told her birthfather she was pregnant, he said, "What are you telling me for?" That was the last time the mother saw him. She put the child up for adoption at birth, and 23 years later, they were reunited. Now, the daughter wants to find her father. The mother has somewhat angry motives, so the daughter doesn't want to involve her. The daughter is not sure if her father would want to meet her, esp. since he walked away when he learned she had been conceived. She doesn't want to interrupt his life, esp if he is married or has forgotten about her. Do you think he's changed? Do you think he's forgotten? Is it easier for men to forget about kids that they've left behind? The daughter doesn't need or want anything from him. She just wants to know what he looks like. (Bio-mom has no pictures).

What do you think?

Additional Details

1 hour ago

He was in his 30's when she was born and he has never seen her.

Now he is in his 50's

Answer 1

First of all, you should know that in a difficult situation such as this, people have been known to lie. The first mother may not be telling the whole truth about the first father's reaction to the pregnancy and birth.

Second, 23 years is a long time. Even if the first father was irresponsible then, it doesn't mean he hasn't looked back as he has gotten older and regretted his mistakes.

Third, I can tell you that my first father was falsely told the baby wasn't his so he had no rights, but he never truly believed it, and talked about his sorrow over losing me all the time to his closest friends. He was overjoyed when I found him.

Answer 2

I know for sure that even though men may run away .. it does stay with them .. Now if he is married with children and has not told his wife.. it could be a touchy subject... I suggest she try to meet up with him alone at first.. to test the waters.. If he has no children, I bet he will be very very happy to see her and have her in his life.. also maybe if he does have kids and they know about it they will probably be happy too.. He will probably need some time to adjust either way..

I would not involve her biological mother though, that is not a good idea..

But I think your friend should definitely try to locate her biological father..

Answer 3

There are a ton of questions in your question, and all of them are legitimate, meaning, that the adoptee has a right to experience them, and if possible, have them answered.  While it will be a scary process for her, I think that she should make every attempt to contact her birth father so that she can go on with her life and either open a new chapter, or close this one for good.  Otherwise, she will always have those questions.  As far as the birth father "thinking" of her, I believe that depends on the individual. My opinion is that women would think of the child more than men, but again, I know that depends on the man in question here.

Answer 4

He may not have changed.  She should go into the situation prepared to get hurt.  

Many times I think when adoptees look for birth parents they just wind up extremely hurt.  I remember a story on 20/20 or some such show where this wonderful, beautiful woman was knocking on her birth mother's door & the camera crew was filming & the woman wouldn't open the door.  I mean my GOD you've given birth to a human being not a guppie.  You at least owe that child a face to face meeting to explain why you gave them up.  Any decent human being would do that but alas there are very few decent human beings around.

Answer 5

Um it sounds like to me that the mother had a one night stand with someone since there are no photos and or the mother slept with more than one guy and is making up that story just so the daughter doesnt think any less of her mother.... you decide... and maybe not finding the father is a good thing... He could be a real disappointment

Answer 6

I would say that she, if she wants, should try to locate him.  She should contact him in a very non-threatening manner (let him know that she doesn't need or want anything from him...she just wants to know what he looks like -- and I'm sure it would be handy to have any medical history, too).  She should be open to the possibility that he'll not want to talk to her, see her or have anything to do with her.  She might even want to enlist a counselor for the time around when she finds and meet him.

She could give him the option (if he's not open to meeting) to maybe just have him send some copies of pictures so she can have something at least from that side of the family tree.

Answer 7

If she's thinking about...she should.  Now, she needs to keep in mind he may say no or deny everything.  If she can send a letter or at least talk to him, she can just tell him she doesn't want anything but a few pictures and a medical history if nothing else.  

It'll be awkward as h**l if he says yes and they meet or they talk on the phone but, just to start with a few questions. s someone else said, there are two sides to every story.  Who knows what actually happened back then besides the two 'parents'?  

For her sake, I hope it turns out well.  Always expect the worst and hope for the best.

Answer 8

Yes, men are more likely to have forgotten, but yes, they may be willing to meet.  In this case, an intermediary may be a good choice in case he isn't.  At least she won't be devastated if he is angry or uncaring.  Doesn't have to be a lawyer or anything. Just her friend.

I know four women, besides myself, who gave up children after being abandoned in a bad way by the fathers.  Three were fine with meeting the adult child.  One wanted nothing to do with the situation and one just wanted to pass on medical information.

Answer 9

I know the birth father of my son denied for quite awhile he was the father and then wanted a DNA test. She has only the birth mother's account of the situation. The birth father may have a whole other account as every story has two sides. If she can contact the lawyer or who handled the adoption, maybe they can be a go between and call and ask the birth father and or set up a meeting. I don't think there is anything wrong with.