Men and pregnancy...I need unbiased and neutral opinions from mature women. ?

Question

I am a mature and responsible 20 year old who is now 15 weeks pregnant facing an unplanned pregnancy. The father who is 12 years older than me is mature and responsible as well (dont judge...I dont get along with men my age) and even though he would have preferred for me to abort it he is still sticking by my side, which is nice.

I have several problems with him though. I'm entering my 4th month of pregnancy and he hasn't told ANYONE yet, not a single soul. He doesn't have the guts to tell anyone yet, especially his family. I understand but it makes me feel as though he hasn't come to acceptance that hes going to be a father (he even said it himself). We can't talk about the pregnancy too long because after awhile he starts to punk out and change the subject. This makes it hard for me to talk about plans with him when the baby DOES come. I have already gotten 3 ultrasounds and I don't even feel comfortable showing him the sonogram pictures. He has not been to a single one of my prenatal appointments. When I told him my GYN/OB would like to meet with him one day he said "I dont understand why she needs to see me", which makes me wonder if hes even going to be there when the baby is born.

We've also have this "together but not together" relationship since March. I told him back in May I wasn't comfortable being that way and he said he really likes me but has concerns about the responsibilities of a relationship but has no problems staying loyal. However he said he will probably get over those concerns and ask me out eventually. When I found out I was pregnant I told him it hurts how I'm having someones baby and they're not even my boyfriend and he goes "We are together, just not on paper". Its been 3 months since he said he will probably get over his concerns and he still hasn't asked me out yet.

In addition to that in the past 2 months I have only seen him 3 times which is pretty stupid being that we both live in a city with a strong transportation system. (NYC)

Luckily my mom has been extremely supportive and we have been planning things together. She has been to all of my prenatal appts, we are being positive together, talking about the baby shower, and have already found a daycare.

Last night I was talking to the father online and I bluntly told him it seems like my mom is the father of the child. He said "No, she is your mother and she knows how to deal with this better than we do" And I told him that its looking like shes the father at the rate its going. He got pissed, didn't wait for an explanation, and signed off. I said that because I feel he is not really involved in my pregnancy and not ready to accept this change (as explained above) while my mom is.

Do I have this all backwards? Was I wrong or right in what I said? Am I being too demanding? Any tips on how to deal with this guy? Neutral opinions please. Sorry for the novel lol.

Answer 1

Men react differently to the thought of being a parent than women. They don't have the same immediate connection that women feel by carrying the baby. Many men, however, jump on board right away when they find out they are going to be daddies. This seems like a complex issue and I think that the best thing to try first is to make it seem like he is necessary throughout the pregnancy. He may just be staying away because he doesn't know what he should be doing. Keep working with him because he could just be adjusting to the idea. It would be nice if he would suddenly wake up and get active with the preparations for his future child. I would really try to keep the relationship with him and try to word things so that he understands that he is as important in the process as you (duh for women, but some men grew up thinking that babies are just for women). At least see how he reacts when it comes time to have the baby. If he is still not on board, then maybe it would be better if you went your separate ways. Dad's are important for kids though, and it is important to never let the child feel your anger or frustration toward him as it can have adverse affects on them.  Oh, and the doctor probably wants to meet with him to get an accurate medical history and to develop a relationship for the delivery room. I'm not a guy so your best answer would probably come from one of them because they can take a step back and look at the situation. Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy!

Answer 2

he is a man, and some dont know how to deal with these situations.. some guys, i know of one, it took him up untill the baby was 3 months old before he showed interest and started acting like a father.

Sometimes it can take a long time for them to take responsibilty, but we as mothers just say s***w you, and move on with our lives instead of trying to change them.

I would seriously just tell him, see ya later, you know where to find me and the baby. tell him that when he is ready to be a man and a father to the baby, to give you a call.

Dont worry about a relationship with this guy. he obviously dosnt want it, and is ebarrased to have it because of everyone else in his lifes opinion.

Dont email him all the time, or mope around about this, its not worth it.

After a prenatal appointment, send him a small note saying baby is doing good, and thats it.

He may come around, he may not. and if he dosnt, its his loss, not yours.

Answer 3

To be honest, not all men get thrilled with the news off a baby or for that matter anything else that comes with been pregnant, but at some stage they come around to the fact that there going to be a father. I would suggest you really think about your future and the future of your unborn baby, and what you want for the both of you. I have a loving partner who attends every appointment with me and wouldnt have it any other way, not all men are like this, but its what makes you happy, by the sounds of things your not happy at all. By asking for just a little bit of support your not been demanding, and you were right in what you said, my advice would be to ditch him, find someone who cares about you and makes you happy.

Answer 4

Well, for being 12 years your senior, your baby's father seems to be really immature and in a bit of denial. Since, you have entered your second trimester, you need to give him an ultimatum right away (my goodness, you deserve the right to enjoy your pregnancy and show it off). IMO, you're letting him have too much space, you need to lay down what you expect from him and how you feel about the current situation. Then, you need to tell him that he's in it all the way or he will have to wait and get the phone call five months from now. You are going to be a mother and you need to concentrate on yourself! Good luck!

Answer 5

im sorry but he sounds very immature and not stepping up to his responsibilities. honestly your better off without him.

Answer 6

in my opinion you're in the right. if it were up to me, i would ditch him (relationship wise) and just call on him for child support. this doesn't sounds like someone who i would want to be with. and it is very awesome your mom is being your support system. it sounds like that's all you need.

good luck and congrats!!! babies are a beautiful thing!

Answer 7

I would just not talk to him or even want him around as it seems you are uncomfortable with him. The whole relationship probably shouldn't have happened and you did it as an excitement thing. Which is normal. But now you are in trouble for it. When the baby is born, make sure he pays child support.

Answer 8

Well considering you have only seen him 3 times in the past 2 months I would say you are not together unless he has a job where he is in and out of town on a weekly basis....and I'm engaged and I have had to drag my fiancee to my appts all except to the ultrasound most men don't like going .....in my doc office i see maybe 1 guy in there with his wife out of 10 pregnant women in there (including me) by themselves .....as for him taking responsibility by not telling any of his friends and family I think he is hiding you ...you are considerably differ in age and maybe he is ashamed of that .... most men don't think pregnancy is real until the baby comes and then they re fathers rather than as soon as we get pregnant we become mothers.....I suggest you prepare (like you have been) to be a single mother If he decides to come around and be a dad after the baby is born that is great but I would suggest you telling him he needs to tell at least his family because they might want something to do with the baby even if he doesn't ....Good Luck ...and try to move on unless there is a drastic change there is no reason shouldn'tt see each other at least 2 times a week and you are in the same city something just isn't right    

Answer 9

I got pregnant when I was pretty young as well.  The guy who got me pregnant was very immature (as was I at the time)  I told him that if he was not going to be a dedicated father to my child, then he should leave now.  I didn't want my baby to have a father that was going to go in out and out of her life and have a negative affect on her.  He was scared to death to become a father.  He was emotionally unavailable to me and not much of a help during my pregnancy.  To top it of I had no supporters for the first several months of my pregnancy.  My daughter is 7 now.  She has a 3 year old brother.  And that boyfriend who wasn't really there for me.  The boyfriend I thought would abandon me and his child to continue having a young carefree life.  Well, he's now my very hard working successful husband.  

You're not going to know how your situation is going to work out in the end.  I just want to give you hope that things can work out .  A child has this amazing ability to change people.  Just remember though that if he doesn't change and accept his responsibilities, he's the one missing out.  It sounds like you have a wonderful mother.  I would focus on that relationship and the coming of your baby.  Oh and by the way, your hormones are helping to affect what you say so even if what you said was wrong (and I think it was justified)  you get a free pass.  Good luck!

Answer 10

This guy is a total loser...  I was hoping for a better scenario when I started your letter.  I don't think the age difference matters, but he does not even want to be with you more or less have a child...  There are some guys out there like that and unfortunately he will probably never want to commit to anyone.  If you can, I would prepare yourself to be a single mom.  The good thing is luckily he will legally have to financially support the baby.  Don't worry, you are 20, you will find someone better and he will probably always wallow alone.  I hope I am wrong and I would try giving him the benefit of the doubt by asking him to go to therapy with you to help him prepare to become a responsible dad.  Good Luck.

Answer 11

Confuzzi,Your in a really difficult situation!  It really sounds like the more you push the more he resents or pulls away, so don't .  YOU have deceided to have this baby so do just that!  If he wants to get his act togeather and join in great but your emotions are all ready running rampid due to the pregnancy and you have to be strong for both you and the babies best interest.  This father is sounding more like a sperm donor... Seriously, signing off with out calling and saying whats up""?" j It sounds like he is either in another relationship/married/etc. His account of time is so sparce in relation to what you need, maybe you should re-think if you wnat him involved your trying and he is not.  He may warm up to the idea but not if you push and h**l your doing it alone now.

Answer 12

You are about to become a single mom.  I mean that exactly.  This guy has already moved on.  Don't count on him in any way helping you without your making him pay child support.  He's not going to do it.  His commitment so far is indicative of what your going to get later.  All he's had to do so far is come to an appointment or two and have a few discussions.  I almost guarantee that he has babies all over town that only he and a group of different babies mothers know of.  Prepare yourself for single parenthood and getting a lawyer to make the courts order him to pay the child support he will eventually try to weasel out of.  

Also, since you are obviously not able to judge him impartially (you still haven't decided if he is s******g you over) stay away from him sexually, get on a birth control regimen as soon after the baby is born as medically possible.  This guy will sweet talk you into bed and baby number two before you know it will pop out.  Don't do the same things and expect a different outcome.  

Answer 13

From what I've the father of your child is neither mature or responsible. he sounds like a jerk. Cut ties with him and sue his sorry butt for child support. There are a lot of fish in the sea, hang tight, you'll find a winner, he's nothing but a loser. The person who said he's married is prolly right, I heard alarm bells and saw red flags reading your letter. Get on with your life without him, and good luck to you and your precious baby!