Mental in the 80s adoption?

Question

I was adopted and I had mental problems. my dad loved me but my mother had to deal with all the problems back in the 1980s. I was given up for adoption again 1987. I went to a new family & my new mom said that my old family couldent put up with my behavor. I dident think I had all that many problems. my question is during the 1980 how did people take mental illness & was it imbarrising if they new you where mental. all theese years I wonderd why my family gave me up. I was only 3 to 5 years old. I was a normal kid but just with mental problems. I was visting my old family but then after a while they dident want to see me eny more. Im 25 years now & I found them & called them I had a good talk on the phone but they asked me not to call them. & it was like I did some thing rong. why is it that they dont wanna have eny thing to do with me now. I call them today.

can eny body tell me why this would happen to me after all theese years to now

Answer 1

You couldn't have been a "normal kid" if you had mental problems. There are definitely parents who cannot deal with everything that a mental child brings. Maybe the guilt (later) made them decide to keep you out of their lives. They dont want their mistake to come back and hit them in the head. Just remember you are not responsible for how you were when you were so young.

Answer 2

You are right only about one thing... The 1980's was a big time where everyone started to think everyone had some mental problem.... There was a lot of Pop-Psychology and garbage about all sorts of odd things... It was also a time when people wanted to believe they could spot big problems in little kids and some how fix them.....

It was also the time when Television started to show all sorts of Reunion Shows--where Adopted people and their Biological families would go on Oprah and some of the other talk-show and have public reunions... This was when people started understanding more about HOW important it was to know information and how damaging it was to think that the information didn't matter to adopted people....

Many people who were adopting in the 1980's were still doing so with some of the OLD ideas--about how it was just the same as birth--and not telling children...no contact and all of that... Once the Reunions started people began to consider new IDEAS like Open Adoption...

It was a strange time in the history of adoption... where the old ideas were being changed and new ideas were being discovered....

I have no idea why people would bail on you--or what would cause them to ask you not to call... Usually, I find that when people act this way they might be the ones with the bigger problem...

I personally don't think it is OKAY to give up on our children even if they have a mental problem....  I think it is a coward who isn't willing to take the role of parent and not do what is needed in Good and Bad....

I am so sorry you had to go through this.... I am glad you did find another family I hope that they have been supportive parents....  I know it won't take away the pain--but, I would bet the first adoptive parents had bigger problems then just the behavior of a child.....

Answer 3

Some times people are just selfish. And they think that if they ignore something that it will go away. I am sorry to hear about you. And about mental illness some people just don't understand it. and instead of learning about and trying to help you they just gave you to some one else not to have to deal. I know you miss your family but you are better off without them  if they didn't want to make time for you. God loves you and so does your new family. He's always looking out for you like that. You should talk to a counsler though to help sort out all of your problems

Answer 4

I also was diagnosed with a mental illness at age 15. I spent the better part of my adolescents forced to take pills that made me feel terrible. It took me a while but I eventually realized  that the mental health profession  is just another business. They might have machines that can read brain waves, but there is no way to read a thought. Personally I think they made mental diseases up to force people into buying "medicine" that they don't need. I speak from experience, I am not a conspiracy theorist. So my answer to you is this- The only actions and reactions you are responsible for are your own. If there are people who don't like you how you are then find different people. There are billions of individuals in this world and each one is unique. Just because you don't think like everyone wants you to doesn't mean you are wrong. The so-called professionals who prescribe mind altering drugs are just another cog in an unsuccessful world.

Answer 5

First of all, I am very sorry that you have had this experience.  It must be confusing.  But let me clear something up --- Your parents inability to parent you was not about YOU.  It was about them.  Maybe they felt like they might abuse you, or had.  Maybe they were not the kind of pelople who can bond with a child, due to their own childhood.  Maybe children represent something to them they cannot handle.  But these are adult issues, not an issue for you.  You were simply the result of their llness, protective instincts, addiction, inadequacies, ability to put you first, lack of skill, inability to parent, or generosity and love, or immaturity.

Your behavior may be genetic, and has probably been compounded by their relinquishing you.  But they did the best they could, and they likely thought it was better for you than staying with them.  And if they did not voluntarily relinquish you, and you were removed from them due to safty issues, then it was likely the best possible option for you at the time.

Your family is not able to have healthy relationships.  It is not about you.  You are the best you possible, and need to realize that this is an adult issue that you were unfortunately caought up in.  You may never know all the reasons for their behavior.  But it is not about you, and it is not about your behavior.  It is about them.  Don't forget that.  Try to keep people in your life who are healthy and caring, and try to move forward.  I wish you well.  You have touched my heart.

Answer 6

Oh, what a sad story. I'm so sorry. I just want to give you a hug.

No, of course you did not do anything wrong!!! You were just a kid. And you aren't doing anything wrong now in contacting your family.

Sadly, some families, some people, just cannot cope well. It was not you -- it was them! I have no idea what happened, but it might be that your family had mental health issues as well -- many problems are inherited. So it might just have been more than they could cope with for that reason. Or they may have been scared. Or someone else may have pressured them, for all sorts of possible reasons. Even sometimes families have to relinquish their children to pay for mental health care for them. It does not sound like what happened in your case, but it does happen, and it is tragic.

I guess all I can say is that there might have been all sorts of reasons -- and none of them was because of you, it was them.

As for now it is even harder to say. I hope they will come around. If there was anyone who was more open to you, then I would perhaps stay in contact with them and protect my heart by not trying so hard for contact with those who said not to contact them. You have the right to contact any of them (not to harass, but it doesn't sound as if you have done that), but I'm just thinking that it might be hard on you right now. So concentrate on those that are open to you and care about you. And seek out the support of friends and others who have been adopted. You are not alone. You are a good and valuable person.

Very best wishes,

Andrea (an adoptive mom)

Answer 7

I don't know what your diagnosis was at that age, but I do know one thing. Something is wrong with your mom, not you. I don't care what they said was wrong with you, she was your mother and if she couldn't handle being a mother, it was her issue. You were not and still are not the problem. I hope you found the love and support that you desperately needed from your Afamily. I know this may sound redundant, but perhaps you could go to counseling and let someone help you through this. One day I hope you're able to realize that her not being able to love you, is about her. Period. You are just the victim of her cr@p. I was in therapy for a long time before I realized that it wasn't about me. Unfortunately, we do have to live with the scars. Stay close to people who do love you. Forget the ones that don't. Easier said then done, I know.

Best wishes.