Mentally abusive ex? its taking a toll on me, what do i do to move on? why am i feeling like this?

Question

i've been with my ex for about 2 years, and for the most part, it was horrible...he didnt treat me right, he cheated on me, he pushed me a few times, he'd break up with me every other week, then we'd get back together...we've been broken up for over a year and a half..but since then we've sort of "rekindled" our relationship. The most recent time we were sort of together was about 5 months ago...since then i have gotten a new boyfriend of whom i have been with for 4 months... he treats me like a princess, he's the kind of guy i said i always wanted, and now that i have him i still can't move on from my ex...my ex has gotten in trouble with the law, has experimented alot with drugs, and treated me like dirt. whereas i know he doesnt deserve me, i just can't bear the fact of us not caring for each other anymore..he's been on antidepressants and from what i know has some mental disorders..idk if that plays into me feeling "hooked" but i just want to find some answers. i dont know if anyone has suggestions of what is going on here, or what i could do..i've never had such an obsession with somene, especially with him treating me bad and all..i cope with everyday situations normally, and am not depressed..he is an exception to my life being wonderful, and i hate it, i want to move on for good but i dont know what to do, time hasn't helped and neither has talking to friends and family..did he cause problems for me, or did i cause the problems, how should i move forward from this, counceling, time, or what!?

Answer 1

Life is so short. Cherish what you have. Move away from the past. Learn from your mistakes.  

Answer 2

Well i'd beat him up. the little freak deserves it.  

Answer 3

It's best if you try to move on. Probably the two years you spent with him wasn't all that bad. Maybe there were moments when he didn't treat you so badly. Maybe you have a feelings that the two years you spent with him will just go to a complete waste if you move on. But here's the thing, it won't be a waste of time, nor would it be a waste of effort or so. Learn from you experience, use it as a motivation to help you remember the feeling of being treated ill and make it a point that you won't let anyone treat yourself like that again. Before you can completely move on, consider why you two entered the commitment and why you two left it, and learn from it. This new person, whom you've met and started a relationship with, appreciate the person. If he gives you the treatment every woman deserves, one with respect and love, then maybe he's the person that the Lord sent you to heal your past wounds, and to help you move on. :)

Answer 4

It is somehow addicting almost to be with someone who doesn't treat you right when you have everything going well for you. It is the sweet triumph of feeling now and again that "He's not like that..." where he treated you good here and there and made you feel needed and loved...

The idea of self sacrifice sounds beautiful and tantalizing. You hope that everyone is good and right and true inside. You hope that this man you found and loved and have cared for is this way somewhere. Letting him go makes you feel like you'd be giving up on helping him.

I've had my hand in on dozens of lives. I can tell you from experience that there is a line you have to draw where you give and where you stop. If you want to walk away with everything intact and unhurt, this line MUST be installed and upheld at all prices and costs.

The line is where they refuse to help themselves and wait for you to fill in the gaps for them.

You cannot save a person if they don't want to change or save themselves. You staying with him actually harms him.

Some people simply do not take responsibility for their own lives and actions. Most people hate the duty of bellying up to the bar, looking in the mirror, and making a step towards being more affirmative happy.

Being able to be happy is not something a person suddenly finds because they are with another person either. It is a learned behavior. Thus, you cannot make someone else happy.

Most people need lovers so that they can drown themselves in them and forget themselves. At this point you are hurting them by staying there and supporting their misbehaving. It is not only a disservice to just yourself; you are keeping them from realizing the truths about their own misery. You are covering their irresponsiblity for their own lives.

Not only that, but they cannot appreciate what you are doing for them because they have probably never put themselves out like you are doing. It's like trying to tell a kid how expensive a new toy is when the kid's never done more than house chores. You don't just feel misunderstood and alone for no reason. It is the truth that you are alone, trying to drag them up to a place they really don't care to be.

You need to make the decision now whether you want happiness or a life of uncertainty. A lonely, cat-filled elderly age rather than full Christmases and vacations with your children and grandchildren.

Decide whether you want a life with a man who loves you and you alone until the day you both die no matter what. Or do you want this man who will only love you so long as you are somewhat unwilling and still "fun" to play with.

Also, if you have children they're learning from watching you. If they are boys they are probably shutting down emotionally on the idea of ever having someone be dad or be authoritative in their lives. They are also learning that women are needy because of the way you behave and that they can be swayed and changed if you say and do the right things at the right time.

If they are girls, they are learning how brave and selfless you are, how mean, horrible, selfish and fearsome men are. They will grow up convinced that if they want to live a life with a husband they will have to be submissive, quiet and above all grateful to have anyone take them in and "love" them, even a horrible man who may beat them or cheat on them or call them terrible things.

If you do not have children, do you want this man to be the father of your unborn children...? There are many men out there who are kind, generous, deserve to have lives full of love and peace and feel appreciated and loved.

You are being incredibly unkind to this man who is doing for you what you are doing for this druggie of yours. He is trying lift you up and you are holding onto something that's already dead and gone instead of moving on. Why would you give up a man who makes you feel wonderful to try saving a b*****d who could care less who he gets his support from? Who says your X doesn't have 2 other doors he knocks on now and then? Other lives he's ruining just like yours?

You are not in love with this X of yours. You are addicted to the idea of self righteousness for being a saint. You are addicted to the times now and then of "reward", where this man plays you up as the one he loves even though he does not respect or truly think of you as his one and only beloved eternal. You are addicted to an image in your head of who he "could have, should have, would have" been. You are addicted to the rushes you get from being coupled with a semi-dangerous man. What are you NOT is in love or in a loving relationship.

If another man is treating you right, please abandon your "would have"s and love him back. He will appreciate you more than that drug-hording jerk ever could. Move away from the place you are with the other guy and start a new life, a good one, where you can grow old together in peace and happiness instead of putting yourself in this short-term cage that will give you nothing and leave you unhappy and dying inside.

Where your kids will grow up happy and safe and feeling loved. Where they will have a future and go to college and know how to marry someone and love them well. A future where you can feel the seasons change in a beautiful rush because time is flying while you're in bliss. And you are in love with this other man who will always treat you like his princess.

You already knew all that. You just needed people to tell you.

If you have any more doubts, get a counselor, talk to friends.

Think about yourself when you make a decision. And don't let you let yourself down by changing your mind after you've made this decision.

Good luck..  

Answer 5

The relationship you describe with your ex has the signs of a codependent relationship.   This is common in abusive relationships and those where a person is suffering from a mental illness.  It is possible to move on.  The first step is to recognize the problem and reach out for help. You may want to research 'codependency' on-line.

I was in an abusive relationship too and understand how you feel.  I found it very confusing how I could feel as though I need someone that was so horrible and bad for me.  I basically had to erase that person from my life completely.  No contact at all.  If he continues to contact you and harass you, get a restraining order.  You deserve to have a healthy life.  As long as you have this person in your life, it won't be healthy.

Answer 6

You need some counselling.  You are co-dependent.....