Met my Birthmom... BirthFather dead... Help?

Question

about 6 years a go I found my birth mother.She seemed excited at first, but then she later decided she didn't want anything to do with me when I got pregnant (out of wedlock). Now I have had no contact with her in over three years.When I met her, I found out that my birthfather had died not too long after I was born in a car accident.SO, She is the only link that I have to any information on my father's family.The problem is that she adimently doesn't want me to contact her.Her brother and father are both lawyers.SO my question is.How do I get this information on my birthfather? Do I send it to her father/brother addressed to them as lawyers for her, so that she doesn't feel that I am trying to get back into her life? I don't really want anything at all to do with her. I found her totally not my type of person, but I really would have like to know the genetics/health issues of my birthfather's family. Any suggestions? I'm not sure of her address or phone since it has been so long.

Answer 1

I agree with "God is my Judge".  I would send a letter to her explaining what information you are seeking.  If you want to copy her brother and father on the documents, you could do that, but do they know about you?  If they do not, you might be creating more of a mess for your bio-mom which will in turn cause her to distance herself more.  But I think if you send her a letter explaining your concerns and what information you are seeking, perhaps she will reconsider her decisions.  Just a thought - and what do you have to lose?

Answer 2

First of all, do you know is name?  Do her father/brother know about you?  If you know his name, you could try contacting his family members.  You never know what you might find.  My reunion went sour with my n-mother after a year, but my n-dad's mother has been the one person I have been closest to all this time.  (Even though he wanted nothing to do with me).  So take a chance...this is YOUR life too, so don't think you have to "protect" anyone.  Get in contact with them and find out what you need to know.

If you don't know his name, try her father and brother, or even try her again.  Who knows?  The passage of time changes people.  Just yesterday, after ten long years of waiting, my own n-mother finally responded to me and she wants to work things out.  So you just never know.  

But this is YOUR life too, this is YOUR information too, so don't be afraid to ask for it.  These are grown adults and they can handle giving you a little bit of information...they don't need any protection for crying out loud, you are not some serial killer out to axe them to death.  You just want some questions answered!

Good luck

Answer 3

I say ask her dad and brother. Just because she doesn't want to have anything to do with you doe sent mean they don't either. They probably think you may not want them in your life because of what she's done to you. Being that they are lawyers I would think that they are smart people and would make the right decision. They may even find the info your wanting without her help.

Answer 4

Dude u really have a family crisis situation! 1st you saying that you don't want anything to with your birth mom because she doesn't fit ur personality, it really says something about you!  You need to handle this family crisis by going to counseling and then work on finding your birth father's info.

Answer 5

Depending on what state you are in, and what information she put on the birth certificate about him, this might be more or less difficult.  Some states have better public records than others.  From what you are saying, it sounds like you'd rather stay away from the whole bmom side if you can.

If she gave you a name, it might not be difficult depending on what state you are in.  Some have better information available than others in their public records.  If you have a name, approximate birth date and an idea of the state in which he was living, you can possibly find some good information on Ancestry.com.  You can get a 14 day free membership there, allowing you a couple of weeks to get some info.  You can do a search on him on their Website which could render information such as his parents' names, sibling names, birth dates and the like.  

From there, you can do a search of anyone you find, including public records searches on Ancestry.  You could find phone numbers and addresses this way.  I have also had good luck finding relatives with names by looking on Classmates.com and MySpace.com.   There are a few places that are pay-per-search.  One of the more reasonable ones is KnowX.com.  That is where I eventually found my natural dad's public records info for contacting him, as he was unlisted in the regular phone book.

Remember, you're not looking up anything that isn't public record, so don't feel like you're doing something wrong.  We have the right to free association in our society, unless we do something that warrants having that right taken away.

Also, you are not in a "crisis" just because you want information.  The fact that you don't want a relationship with your natural mother (who also has decided to end her relationship with you) doesn't "say anything about you" any more than it says about any person who doesn't fit in well with another person.  Counseling, unless you feel you need it, is not necessary just because of this.

Also, everyone's reunion is going to be different.  You have no idea how it will turn out, so just because someone else had an unpalatable one doesn't mean you will.  My natural father and I have an excellent 6 year reunited relationship.  My natural mother died 7 months before I located her, but I called her step-father instead (who raised her from a young age.)  Now he and I have a good relationship.  You just never know.

Answer 6

Send a Certified letter so you you if she got it and just explain to her what you wrote here. Family history is an important thing these days. You may have brought back some painful memories for her and it might be difficult for her to deal with. Good luck!!!!

Answer 7

Go through her brother or father, in that order.  Let them know what you need, they may be able to get you information without including your birthmom.  I am sorry that things didn't work out, but it seems that your life was better without her, sorry to say.  Hold your head high, you did nothing wrong.  Hope you can get the information you need!