Might not be able to have kids?

Question

If I can't, can I choose which child I want to adopt or do I just get what I get? If I adopt I want my child to look enough like me that nobody can tell that they aren't mine. That way if they didn't want to tell anyone they could decide instead of it being completely obvious. And my family is a little...um...too old-fashioned to treat a child that looks way different like one of their own

Answer 1

What does your [possible] inability to have kids have to do with some strange child you've never met before?  You can't have your own kids.  Deal with that first.  No other child will replace the child you couldn't grow in your own belly.  And no child should be burdened with that responsibility.  And YOU cannot replace the parents that child will have to lose in order to be able to become your dream child.  That's an unfair burden to place on yourself, and an impossible goal.  

Answer 2

Well, it doesn't sound like your family is ready to support you in an adoption if they can't handle kids being different than you.  Actually, they sound kind of like jerks.

Answer 3

An adopted child will *never* be the biological child that you wanted.

Answer 4

ROTFLMAO!  

guess what, my baby son looks like his bi-racial father (and white french-canadian grandfather), has blue/gray eyes and is considerably lighter then me. my daughter (same father ) and oldest son (who has a different father) each look completely different from him also. when we're out, people only know i'm his mom if i nurse him.  

or they might think i'm the wetnurse...  *shrugs*

if you are concerned with a "mini-me" you obviously don't understand genetics much. many biological parents look nothing like their children.

in other words, if your desire is to "parent" why does it matter what the child looks like?  if that is a major issue for you, then perhaps you should focus on working on your fertility (you said, 'might not be able...') and not try to custom order a kid to please your close-minded family or carry on a facade of having given birth .

Answer 5

It must be past midnight.

Answer 6

I think you should reconsider adopting untill you have done some research.

Answer 7

You should not be dealing with the option of Adoption until you have been officially diagnosed as infertile and this would be after more than one opinion from at least two to three physicians reports. Next Adoption is for children to be matched to you, as the best possible family for what is in the best interest of the children/ child.All of these children have been through enough already, mainly being removed from their home, separated at birth or given up for Adoption.Slim chance to none that any of them will look like you. Also you mentioned how your family will not accept the child, and this is something that Adoption agencies would look at, because they normally look to the extended family being a support system to you and the child, and the extended family accepting the child as if they were a part of the family, so these things would pose problems. I suggest you do research.

Answer 8

Just because you have a genetically linked child does not mean they will look like you.  I gave birth to a daughter that looks nothing like me, but my oldest adopted daughter is the spitting image of me.  People who don't know us well always think that my bio daughter is adopted and that my adopted daughter is biological.

You need to deal with the fact that you may be unable to conceive.  Adoption is not meant to heal the wounds of infertility and an adopted child is by no means a booby prize.

Agencies let you have choices about what you are looking for, but after reading how you feel I am pretty certain that any legitimate home study agency will find you to be unfit to adopt.  You make it sound like you want to choose a child like you do a dog at the pound.  This is a human being...not a pet!  Adoption is about the child, not you.  Chances are if your family cannot treat a child that looks differently very well, then they have no chance if they are not biologically linked.

Answer 9

I think when you go through the actual adoption process, you get to look through the parent(s) who are putting their baby up for adoption, that way maybe you have some idea what you may be getting?!

Have you looked into surrogacy? One of my friends wasn't able to have children so she asked her sister to have her baby for her. You can also do this with close friends or relatives... just a thought...

Good luck with everything!

Answer 10

From your question - my advice - please don't adopt at this time.

You have obvious issues you need to deal with - and you need to thoroughly educate yourself about what adoption is - not about what you want it to be.

An adoptee does not need to be placed with someone that won't honour where they came from - as an adoptee comes with their own unique biology and history.

If you can't 'get that' - and allow the child to know and embrace that - please do not adopt.

It would be very cruel for the child.

Answer 11

So you want to find a clone of yourself, somehow get them pregnant, take their baby and try to pass it off as your own.

Lovely.

Oh no, that's not going to s***w up any little baby's head.

I thought adoption was supposed to be about a kid needing a home, not some greedy, possibly infertile person wanting to be someone's mommy.

Answer 12

then maybe you shouldnt adopt. A child should not be made to feel unwelcome just because of the way they look, which they cant help. You sound almost..EMBARRESSED of adoption. why?

Answer 13

If looking like your child is so important to you (and your family) than maybe you should put money into fertility treatments rather than adoption.

Adopting a child is not like adopting a puppy.  There are a lot of emotional things that you obviously aren't taking in to account for.  Adoption is not about supplying infertile people with babies but is about finding parents for children who are parentless (either by being a true orphan OR being removed from their first family because of abuse or neglect).

If your family is so old fashioned that they won't treat an adopted child as a true member of your family, you really need to not adopt, because why do that to a child who has no control over whether or not they lose their first family.

Adoption, any adoption, starts with a loss.  A loss of a whole family that may look, act like them.  A loss of a child for that whole family.  The child doesn't ask to be placed in another home, and with a whole other family.

I think you and your family are not good candidates for adoption.

Answer 14

If your family would not accept a child that didn't LOOK like one of them, would they be ok with a child who doesn't ACT like one of them?

My best friend growing up was adopted. Her parents had actually requested a baby whose mother was blonde with blue eyes so that maybe she'd look like them. She did.  But that was the only similarity. She had nothing in common with her adoptive family. She never felt like she fit in. Family gatherings were torture for her trying to behave in the way the relatives expected.  

Answer 15

I am sorry you may be unable  to have natural children. However adoption is not about satisfying your need to have a child that resembles you. It’s about giving a child or baby who needs a home and parents one. I also question if your family can’t  treat a child that looks different then them as their own also probably not the best place for an adoptive child.

As far a choosing a child that certainly depends if you’re being matched with an expecting mother she will get the finale say on who adopts her baby. In foster care system they try and match the child up with who they feel will be the best adoptive parents for the child(ren).Generally one can say what race, s*x they would be willing to take. They would likely refer a child to you. Of course you would not have to accept.

Answer 16

OK, major red flags here.

Informational answer first:

Agencies have different policies, if you went the private adoption route. You can often specify things like race or special needs status-- though you probably couldn't directly pick an infant who resembled you in terms of things like features, hair colour, or exact skin tone. The thing is, the demand to adopt newborns is incredibly high. People wait on lists for months or even years to adopt ANY baby; if you wanted a baby who looked a certain way, I don't realistically think you would ever be likely to get matched.

If you adopt from state foster care, you'll know in advance what the child looks like. The child would be unlikely to be an infant or toddler, though. And I honestly think you would not pass your homestudy and a social worker would not match you if your primary desires about adoption are based on looks.

Now for the opinion answer:

I'm going to cut to the chase here. I think you REALLY need to do some research and reading about adoption, because I don't think you're in an appropriate frame of mind to adopt. Your first choice is a biological child, and if you can't have that you want a child who is interchangeable for a biological child-- and it just doesn't work that way.

Adoption is providing a home for a child who needs one, not providing a child to order. Deciding to add a child to your family is not like picking out furniture. A child is a person with wants and needs and emotions, not an accessory to match to the rest of your stuff.

I hesitate to advise anyone not to adopt at all, but I'm honestly really, really close here. I will definitely say this, though: until you move past wanting to pick your adopted child for looks and are willing to accept them for who they are, not trying to select what you personally want-- you are not ready to adopt.