Migration - joined cinquains - do they flow? critiques welcome?

Question

Migration

by Victoria Tarrani

(© 97.07.23)

Seagulls

wings flapping hard

fighting the driving wind

that brought the birds to the Southland

migrate—

Seeking

self migration--

to leave the pain behind

and live within a new body--

android.

Science,

show me the way

the DNA, the codes,

to drift within the starry sky

physics.

Travel

as a light beam

Andromeda calls me

Pleiades and black holes beckon

trekking.

Magic--

Alibaba

has a carpet that flies--

how much does it cost to purchase?

spellbound.

Dragon --

wizard riding

the currents of the wind

weaving through the curious birds

mystic.

Night time

calling dream world,

and Never-never land;

Tinkerbell, throw your magic dust

flying.

Answer 1

...like a multilayer cake with something different from  layer to layer... it tasted sweet., but it would not taste as sweet if each stanza/layer was left to stand its own.... I'll take mine with milk.

Migration seagulls seeking science travel with magic dragon at nighttime. ( a hidden message?)....  news at 11.

add: I had to read it again an hour later... it reminds of a cascading waterfall... falling... leveling... falling... leveling... splash

Answer 2

This is a very nicely done piece of work.  Again, good visual imagery.  I feel myself at a seashore looking out at migratory birds.

Answer 3

"Hi!",

I think it all goes fine. This is really picturesque and displayed beautifully.

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

Answer 4

Interesting progression, capped with Tinkerbell!  The magic and dragon cinquains, to me, did not follow the logic  and progression of the first stanzas.  And I did not like the line "that brought the birds to the Southland." but that could just be me.  Overall, a very nice read using structure.

Answer 5

It flows and sounds good to go with me, leave it alone, Publish it.

Answer 6

This is so interesting! I love the last three stanzas, standing alone as well.  Thank you.

Answer 7

Oh, I love what you've done here. A couple comments:

Seagulls

wings flapping hard

fighting the driving wind

that brought the birds to the Southland

migrate—

Consider altering L3 and L4 here as follows:

driving wind that brought

the birds to the Southland

Unless there is some pattern I'm violating. I like the interplay with hard and driving. It gives a nice layering effect. Also, brought seems to be a stronger break propelling the reader forward.

S2: Love the ending word "android" totally unexpected.

S3-S4: These are great.

While I like the last three I didn't see how they connected (that is not a flaw in the work simply me not getting it).

These are all very well written Tori.

Answer 8

Your "cinquain rules" are correct for one form of cinquain..but the usual form is different. Still, your form "does" comply with at least one form, so it should be reviewed on that basis.

Your stanzas are well written with good images.  "how much does it cost to purchase" is a bit contrived, but the rest shows good word use and economy of phrases.

...keep writing

Answer 9

I agree with Neoman, However, i would delete first Stanza completely.

Answer 10

I think this is a great way to make older poems a fresh new outing, you are getting better and better

Answer 11

What a strange and wonderful experience I've just had. As you may already know, if I see even the smallest amount of artistry in a poem, I read it several times. The first time I read it, I arrived at the end not having a reaction sufficient enough to understand it, let alone make a comment. The second time, I really honed in on it, all senses sharpened. My reaction (at least I had one!) was tepid at best. Then I read it aloud. It all made sense, it sounded great, and it abounds with possibilities for interpretation. How did you do that?

Answer 12

This is a wonderful idea--to join Cinquains into a longer poem. Your poems are growing in depth and form exponentially...

Answer 13

I don't know if you truly realize what a panorama of beauty you have created. Not only do you have each unique individual cinquain as a poem in and of itself, but they join together in an exquisite whole, piggy-backing off of the other. The cycle of life spelled out in poetry,

First, we see what we desire, our dreams on the wings of the seagulls. Then the search commences, and we find the first answer, science. But science can only bring us so much and so we travel. At the end of the road, we find magic, but to devote oneself wholly to that is to conjure the dragon, who flies above the sun to sacred night beyond.

Reality becoming non-reality within the scope of the mind, the most fragile being attempting to become more than it is, taking the prescribed roads, reigniting the definition of insanity, doing the same thing and getting different results.

And of course, to begin with flight and end with flying. When you fly, you can see everything, eclipsing the need for search. Truly beautiful and exquisite...I can say no more.

Answer 14

This is just wonderful and while it seems like it must have been very difficult to do, it flows gracefully from line to line and cinquain to cinquain.  I love the way the last word relates back to the first.  Beautiful imagery.  Thank you.