Military man-what to do?

Question

My boyfriend has asked me 'unofficially' to marry him. Essentially, he's waiting until I am certain and give him the go ahead before proposing. I'm ready to say yes. :-)

Here's the issue. He's going into the airforce in December and will be gone for boot and tech school. (We're both mid-twentites and have been dating a while now). My question is: should we get married after tech school so that I can go with him? Or wait a bit until he is settled wherever he is sent? I would like to go with him, and we originally were thinking of getting married in March before he leaves for good. Although he said he would like that too, he said he is worried about adjusting to life in the AF and marriage at the same time and would like to wait until the fall of 2010. I understand his point of view, but my concern is that if we try and maintain a ldr for that length of time, although we love each other, the relationship may crack under the pressure of the distance and limited face-to-face interaction. I have heard this happens a lot with military couples who are apart, as the relationship often can't withstand the distance and time apart despite how much you love each other. I'm sure it would be some pressure to adjust to marriage and the new life in the AF, but I think it may be more pressure to try and plan a wedding/maintain an engagement while in a very very long distance relationship with limited face-to-face communication. I also think it's not entirely fair to me, as I am working on certification and looking for teaching jobs, and if we postpone the wedding until October, I can't apply for one this upcoming fall as I'd have to leave in the middle of the job if offered. It would mean, essentially, that I'd put my life on hold but he wouldn't have to. If we were already married, I could teach where he was. But I don't want to push him or rush him,either, or ask him to do anything that is uncomfy for him. What are thoughts? When's best to get married, and is it true that the relationships often can't withstand the pressure if apart? If we get married, would it be easier or harder financially on a military salary?

Many thanks!

Answer 1

Waiting can be done and you will be just as happy!  Hubby and I dated for 2 years before he joined the AF, and then it was another 2 before we got married.  I had to finish up my degree and then had to teach in-state for 1 year as a provision of one of my scholarships.  So.... we got married 3 weeks after school got out!

It was hard, but we did it.  There were a lot of letters and a lot of phone calls.  This year we just celebrated our 20th anniversary and he's still in.  So don't let people tell you it can't be done!

So.... my suggestion... finish up your degree and ,if he wants to wait, then get married in the summer so that you can start looking for jobs.  He'll be at his base, so you can start putting applications out in the spring, get married over the summer, and be ready to start teaching in the fall.   That way you don't have the pressure of planning a wedding and starting a school year at the same time.

Best of luck!!  

Answer 2

Only the two of you can make the final decision but there are some things to consider.  I don't think the AF is being deployed in the numbers of the ground forces, but unaccompanied deployment is still a possibility in any service and absences can be a major strain on any military marriage.  Having a long distance relationship while engaged can give you an idea of what it will be like if he is deployed after you are married.  Also, being a military wife will entail you changing jobs if and when he is reassigned to another base so you do need to understand that there will be times when you will be expected to "put your life on hold" regardless of when you get married.  As for the financial end, the salary for the lower ranks are not that great; E-1 to E4 under 2 years ranges from $1347 to $1758 per month and if you don't live in base housing (which is rare for the lower ranks) he will receive BAQ (Basic Allowance for Quarters).  Its really sad what we pay our heroes!

Regardless of your decision on when to get married, be proud of him for serving his country.  Good luck and God bless

Answer 3

well as i read your question above as for me well if you love your sweeetheart dont waiting the time or the years and dont be worried of salary of military and if you inlove go ahead and hurry to got marry now even if in a simple wedding only and if your sweetheart starting now as a military you can help for him asa prayers to bcoz military life is not easy its a fifty percent died and fifty percent alive im saying this words bcoz thats true i have a brother also a scout ranger in my country thats why all my family loves him so much and all is praying for him as a life of a military person i wish you luck and god bless you all thnkx

Answer 4

You are a little older than the normal 16 and 17 years olds that ask this question, so this time I will tell you to get married before he leaves for boot camp.  First of al his pay will be way more than it would be for a single guy.  He will get paid a housing allowance all through boot camp and tech school and if you maintain the living arrangement you have right now end if he is very smart he will save every penny of the extra money while in training so when he gets done you two already have a huge savings account to start your real marriage with.  This isn't money to go blow once you do hook up again but  rather a solid foundation for your future to build upon.  Most military marriage fail over poor spending and savings habits.  The wives seem to love to spend every cent plus an extra thousand or two per month which throws the marriage into h**l.  If both of you are responsible you could have this marriage thing rocking with success rather than failure.  There are few opportunities to make extra money like this in the military so take advantage of it.  You guys will also get huge money, if well planned, to move you from home to his new base by doing a DITY move and a household goods move.  You will not get this money to move you like this unless you get married before boot camp.  If you wait you will be paying it on your own to move from home to wherever he is because you are not on his orders.  Marriage is not about money at all but if the money part is broken or retarded you guys will fail.  Also when you get to be with him, go find a good job and work hard at it and really make the best of both incomes.  You will not be living large or even medium on E-3 and below pay but if you both work and both live on a budget and save you will do very well for yourselves.  I would double make sure he is really ready ready to get married though.  Your comment about him saying he needs time to adjust to the AF life and married life and doesn't want to do it at the same time.  If you guys have been together a couple of years there should not be any hesitations at all with getting married.  If he is thinking like this at all he really is not ready to get married but is not being upfront with you.  He is putting you in holding patten by saying he wants to get married but not for 2 more years.  That is not a real or ready relationship I would not get married at all until he is straight with what being married means.  You guys need to talk about money, kids, living in the AF and what that means if he deploys.  If both of you don't fully get what it is all about don't get married because it will be a nasty divorce in the near future.  Get some marriage counseling first to get things right.  If you are then married, do it before he leaves to make the most of the money you can gain.  Good luck.

Answer 5

hey i got married a month before my first deployment in the army.  it has been 5 years and 2 deployments and we are still running strong. so it can be done.  hard but love will survive

Answer 6

I'm no expert in the subject,but I will say this. military and marriage dont really mix well.the divorce rate is very high. I would wait until things  settle down big time before doing it. it would give your marriage a better chance at lasting.

Answer 7

I would wait until the fall of 2010.  

USAF Veteran

Answer 8

Because you two are older I'm going to provisionally agree with Navy Sailor on this one.  Getting married before he leaves to boot camp will make sure that you're on his paperwork for his first orders so that you don't have to pay for that first move out of pocket.  Which can make a difference to a new military family.  It would also allow you to start looking into either a National Certification for your teaching degree OR start looking into what the requirements for teaching certification are for different states so you'll know how much work you'll have to do to even start teaching there.  Every state has different requirements for that.

However, if either of you is worried about the stability of the relationship and you two lasting through separations I'd use this as a test.  I'd plan the wedding for after you finish your first teaching contract so that your life isn't on hold.  Then I'd see how you two make it through a separation.  Because one truth of the military is that deployments do separate you often.

Answer 9

You don't have to jump the gun and get married right away. The best thing to do in a situation like this is to wait until he's settled in at his 1st duty station and has gotten adjusted to the Air Force way of life.

If you're worried about cracking under the "pressure" limited face-to-face time in a long distance relationship, you really shouldn't. Both of you should take the time out of your schedule to make time for each other. Be it a day talking on the phone (Skype is the best for this since it's free - as long as you have a mic you can talk back and forth, and it enables a web cam mode), or talking through an instant messenger service with the webcams on so you'll be able to see each other. I will admit, being married to the military is hard work but, if you want to marry him, you REALLY need to ignore the things that are said about military marriages. Some aren't cut out for the military way of life but, as long as you have the love you have for each other, a little bit of faith, patience (not only for his job but the AF as well) and the strength to stand by through thick and thin NO MATTER WHAT, you'll be able to get through anything. As a military wife, you have to understand that his job and his country, above everything (including you), HAS TO COME FIRST. It's hard but, it's just something we have to deal with.

Now - with the whole "....it's not entirely fair to me..."....that you're going to have to suck up and deal with. As a military family, you'll be moving around here to there a lot, so you'll never really have a secure job where you'll be able to stay in one position for years at a time. It's rare but, that can be said for those military wives who have teaching positions. You wont have to put your life on hold though. Absolutely not. There are special classes and programs available to military spouses to help the get a rewarding career while their significant others are serving their country.

As for military paychecks. I'll be honest - military members don't make much. That is especially said for those stationed within the US. It all depends on his rank and the amount of time he has been in service. Living off of a military paycheck isn't easy, so you will need to learn to save save save and only buy what you really need when you first get married. You having a job will definately help financially. All in all, it's good. At least you know that no matter what, you will have a guaranteed paycheck along with a guaranteed home.

Give it time to smooth things out. You're better off getting married in 2010.