Miracle of Adoption?

Question

Why is adoption referred to so often as a miracle? It doesn't feel like a miracle to me and I'm certain it doesn't feel like a miracle to my mother

It kind of stings when I hear people referring to the source of pain and loss for so many as a 'miracle'

Is adoption a miracle? and for whom?

Answer 1

I agree "miracle" is really thrown around a lot for many things.

People don't consider giving up a child for adoption good, but I and many others see something wonderful about adoption

caring for and loving a child that someone gave up, by choice.

there is somthing positive about it.

I was raised by my grandma so I am extra greatful to her because she raised me-she didn't have to, I could have been given up for adoption or foster care but she CHOSE to care for me and I think there is something pretty great about that.

Answer 2

adoption is a blessing for the child that's getting adopted...take it from one who knows...

Answer 3

It cannot be deemed a miracle.  A child did not jut appear in front of them, out of the blue.  No way that could happen.

I look at it as huge slap in the face.

BPD -  trying to find how your miscarriage and my living daughter can be compared.  There is no comparision.  When there is a death of a child it is permanet.  There is a closure.  With my daughter there is a wonder, always going on in my mind about her well being.  Hoping she is healthy.

Answer 4

It wasn't a 'miracle' for my parents, or for me.  It was the way things turned out, my parents didn't plan it, and my birth parents really had no other choices besides abortion.  And yes, bring on the thumbs down, my birth parents truly weren't able to care for a child, ever, and they approached my parents, not the other way around.

There was some sense of sadness for me, growing up and in my teens, but I can't say I ever felt the pain and loss experience by many other adoptees.  Maybe my situation was different, my nature, idk.

Either way, it was never referred to as a miracle, I was referred to as a miracle, as were all the children in our family, but not my adoption.

Bring on the thumbs down for my own personal opinions I guess.

Answer 5

A miracle is a striking interposition of divine intervention by God in the universe by which the ordinary course and operation of Nature is overruled, suspended, or modified.  Wow!  Calling adoption a miracle is pretty presumptuous.

So poor God.  She has to choose between a couple praying that a woman "who does not want her baby" will give him/her to them and a poor woman who is praying for a way to keep her baby.  I guess that when an adoption occurs in this very common scenario, it means that God likes people with the $$$ to fork over to the adoption agency more.

Sorry - just does not hold together for me.

Answer 6

it's propaganda sold to potential aparents, which attempts to make them believe that paying large sums of money to the adoption industry, will cure their infertility or inability to carry-to-term.

i actually feel sorry for aparents.  if only they knew the nasty things the social workers at adoption agencies say about them behind their backs...or until the check clears...

imo, all children are miracles...adoption is not a variable.

Answer 7

When people say that something is a miracle, all that really means is that it is something that makes them feel blessed, humbled and grateful.  Not everyone feels that way about adoption, but that's what is being expressed.

Answer 8

If I'm the product of this miracle - why do I hurt so much inside?!?

It was no miracle for me.

Answer 9

adoption is a miracle to those medically unsble to have their own children. its also a miracle to those born of parents unable to care for thier child.

Answer 10

Obviously it's a miracle for the adoptive parents.

Of course people are happy when they can add a child to their family, but I do wish it could be societally acknowleged that their gain came as a result of my loss.  If my family had died and I'd gotten into a new and loving family that way, nobody would say how wonderful it is.  Nobody would alter my birth certificate either.

To me, that's how the loss feels--as if anyone who ever knew anything about the first two months of my life and about my identity had died and the grief were compounded by an unspoken assumption that it's tacky to talk about or even care about such things.

If it's accepted that our pain and loss exists, we'll have a chance at learning to deal with it so we and future adoptees won't have to suffer so much; but as long as we say how unmitigatedly shiny-happy and miraculous it all is, nothing changes.

That's all I ask, world.  A recognition that I'm in pain and a few tools to work with.  Why is that so unreasonable?

Answer 11

i guess it's a matter of perspective...

when oj simpson was found "not guilty", he was thinking, "WOW, what a miracle!"

the brown and goldman family were left with unrelenting pain and loss.

some people in the excitement of getting what they want, fail to see the devastation it has reeked on the other side.

i'd love to see a documentary or reality show about adoption... from the first mothers perspective. one day that will come, it just can't be soon enough.

edit:

i feel like that life just got sucked out of me again. when i read the post by BPD stating her devastation at the loss of her 3rd child and how she was overjoyed that she would be taking someone else's baby.....

first of all, so sorry about the loss of your children. how devastating that must have been. i've never experienced what you've been through.

secondly, can you possibly understand how what you said, is what we're trying to help you understand? how many times have you offered your condolences to the first moms who lost their child?

after you lost your baby, did anyone run into the room and say, "hey, great news.... i'm pregnant!!" aren't you THRILLED for me? did they tell you that maybe it just wasn't meant to be for you to have children? it was god's will? does that make you feel better? did you get accused of not being "fit" to have a baby? that you'll just have to get over it? after all, it was your choice to get pregnant, when you already knew you probably wouldn't be able to carry the baby full term, so you brought this on yourself...

i'm just trying to find examples to help you understand what is being said.

most people know the "politically correct" thing to say in many different scenerios, such as yours. i'm sure you had a lot of support and sympathy, as well you should have.

i guess we're trying to let people know what is "politically correct" to say or not say to a first mom / adoptee. hopefully within the next five years the message will be out. there are just certain words that are totally inapprobriate. we're trying to teach a new language and attitude about adoption. we're bringing it out of the closet. we've been silenced for too long.

best wishes to you.

Answer 12

Wait, wait.  I thought everybody was entitled to their own feelings, and they must always be respected and validated?  Surely, then, you are able to understand and accept the feelings that adoptive parents have?  No, that's right, it only goes one way doesn't it?

Answer 13

Adoptees are miracles in spite of adoption.

that is all.

Answer 14

I don't see adoption as being a miracle.  Birth itself is the miracle.

Answer 15

As I always signs my posts with "Blessed to be a Mother thru the Miracle of Adoption", I feel compelled to answer this one.

To me, the adoption of my son was a miracle.  I had just found out for the third time that I had lost my pregnancy, and I was devastated.  Realizing that you want to start a family and can't is not something you can put into words.  Much like I'm sure a bio parent feels about the adoption process.  

At that same time, we learned that a family wanted to meet us privately because they were making an adoption plan for their child and heard that we wanted to start a family.  To us, our son was our miracle, our gift from heaven.  

I understand why some adoptees and obviously birth parents may feel differently about the process, but everyone has a different situation and we need to stop telling each other on this forum that one's opinion is better than another.

For us, adoption was our miracle.  But for a child who is placed in an abusive home, obviously adoption would be a tragedy not a miracle.  We just need to respect each other's opinions and realize that every situation is different.  For our family, the miracle is our family.  It is bringing our son home, becoming a family, and loving one another to the ends of this earth and beyond.

Answer 16

Let's take inventory...

-infant/child neglected by parents: not a miracle

-infant/child abused by parents: not a miracle

-infant/child orphaned: not a miracle

-infant/child abandoned: not a miracle

-mother forced to surrender infant: not a miracle

-mother pleased to surrender infant: not a miracle

-surrogacy (created for separation): not a miracle

-infant loses mother at birth: not a miracle

-mother loses child at birth: not a miracle

-infertility: not a miracle

I cannot think of ONE situation (which creates the need or desire for adoption) as any kind of miracle.

Children are miracles of life itself.  Every human being is a miracle of life itself.

Adoption is a process.  It's a mechanism of child transfer and re-identification.  Not a miracle.  

Adoption allows some people the opportunity to respect a miracle of life and provide an environment in which that miracle of life will (with appropriate care) thrive.

EDIT.....

To BPD Wife -  I can respect that adoption *feels* like a miracle to you, based on your definition of "miracle" and your pleasure at obtaining a child, which you wanted.

I just want to say respectfully that, although *someday* your adopted child may also call his adoption a miracle (or not), at the time he came to you he did not feel like what happened to him was a miracle.  He was suffering the most profound trauma an infant can experience - loss of mother at or soon after birth - - despite your loving care.

Do you see the difference?

Adoption was a miracle to *you* because it brought you a child.  But the child, until s/he has lived the adoption experience, does not experience adoption as a miracle.  And, let's hope no one here forgets, adoption is supposed to be about and for the benefit of the child.

Answer 17

I don't like the term miracle. I say this because of all the feelings i have right now. I do not recall my adoptive parents ever using that word about my adoption. I think they thought it was kinda of insulting to my birth mother. Maybe people call adoption a mircale, because they waited so long to have a child and they finally get one. So to them it's a miracle. I think people should be very cautious in using this term, since it can have a potenial to offend.