Mom's and your friendships

Question

I'm just wondering... Have your friendships gone down the toilet after you had your lil' one?

I admit, it's mostly my fault, I'm just way too busy to make time to go hang out with my friends like I used to, or I'm so broke that I don't want to use the gas in my car to drive around to meet them or don't have the money to go out shopping or out to dinner, etc. I'm a single mom too, so please don't suggest me letting my son stay with his dad while I go see my friends because that's not an option at this point.

I got an email this morning from a 'friend' telling me that if we can't speak anywhere other than email, then she doesn't want to speak to me at all. She's married and has a 6 month old. But her hubby bows to her every command and she can run around whenever she wants to and leave her son with her hubby. She has no idea what I go thru on a day to day basis and I don't like to talk about it because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. This is what my situation is, and I'm dealing with it the best that I can... But really, did she have to kick me while I was down?

Moms, Dads (single, married, whatever) do you relate to this at all? Am I a terrible person or what can I do about this? I'm really upset about it this morning.

Answer 1

I am the same way. I don't really have friends anymore, and to be honest I get jealous when my husband does something like stay after work to play basketball. I'm like, I want to hang out with people too. But, I have lost touch with my old friends since having the baby and when it comes to new friends, I never go anywhere to meet anyone and when I do all I want to talk about is my baby. It's sad that your friend is treating you like that. I say that if she is going to give you an ultimatum when she knows you're going through a hard time then she's not a very good friend to begin with. I was actually thinking yesterday when I was reading your questions, I hope Johnny's Mommy has a better day tomorrow, and I'm sorry it's not happening. Good luck, and you can email me if you want to talk.

Answer 2

you don't need friends like that

Answer 3

Wow, what a hurtful email. No you are not a terrible person. I am single mom with no child support and no family support. I don't feel sorry for myself either. This is my life. I love it. And I am having fun with it. But with all lifestyles... there are sucky parts. The sucky part of my life is that I if I want to go to a movie or out without kids, than I would have to pay a sitter, pay for gas, and lets face it... I wouldn't even be able to afford the movie if I actually did manage to pay a sitter and gas. That is the way it is until I am done unversity and I get a job.

I do meet with my friends... with my kids. Where I am, I have kids. I meet friends at parks, I have them over, I go over there. But I never get out without kids. Going out for milk is a huge thing for me... I have to pack up so much and dress kids and do so much just to run out for milk.

Having said that, I do meet my friends at the park, and I do meet friends at their house. Your friend is probably hurting. She has a 6 month old and probably had visions of going to parks together and having play dates. Her situation is much different than hers, and she doesn't seem to get that. I would be hurt at such an email too. But on the other hand, if I were her, I would feel hurt to.

Answer 4

YOu are not a terrible person!  Honestly, that is terrible what your friend did to you.  I have many, many friends that we mainly communicate via email, and when we do get the chance to meet up, its like no time passed at all.  I think that is a true friend.  One of my best friends from my childhood, I only see once a year, and she lives 15 minutes away.  But we both have kids (I have 3, she has 2) and are very busy with our lives.  We touch base via email, neither of us lays guilt on the other, we understand we are busy, and when we see eachother, we just pick up where we left off.

I don't blame you for being upset - I guess think about it this way - do you really want a friend like that?  I just can't imagine any of my friends saying something like that to me.  You have the option of telling her your situation - it might make her more understanding - but personally I think it should be somewhat obvious to her - you're a single mom!  Its hard and totally different than when you are married!

Don't beat yourself up - this is NOT your fault.  I really think if she was a true friend, she wouldn't have said that to you.  I wish you the best of luck!!

Answer 5

I feel you there.  It is tough to make your friends a priority when you have a little one who depends on you.  I did lose some friends, but I figure that if they can't understand that right now it is hard for me to make time for them, but it might be easier later, then they don't need to be my friends.  That sucks that a mom doesn't understand.  Most of the friends that I lost were without children and just didn't do things that we could do together and didn't like that I couldn't just drop everything and go somewhere.  I think that the "friend" might be going through something that you don't see.  If she wants to cut you out, let her, but I don't suggest being the person who does it.  You will make new friends in mommy play groups etc.  You are not terrible.  It is totally normal.  

Answer 6

All you can do is all you can do...if she has a baby to then she should be able to relate a little more with you.  A lot of my friends are single parents or have daddys that wont help.  So we just plan things that we can take the kids to.  Or I go to their place, we have game night, dinner at our houses or something, while the kids play. If she is your friend tell her your frustrations and time restraints. If she has a husband that is really helpful she may not understand that you are doing the best you can! So all I can say is just talk to her:)  

Answer 7

I am a single mom and understand completely.  It's like once you have kids certain friends act like you have some disease.  Especially when you are raising them alone.  I went through it for the longest time.  What I found to work is invite them to your house for dinner and movies.  Watch old movies and have each person bring an appetizer or snack or something.  That way, you spend time with your friends and you can involve your children as well.  But just a suggestion:  maybe once a month have a girls night.  It really does help to get out of the house and spend some "grown up" time.  Hope this helps!

Answer 8

I had my son when i was pretty young so a lot of my friends hit the bar vs hanging out and doing things with me. My best friend however was pregnant at the same time as me but her hubby didn't like me so our kids being the same age now 11 don't really know eachother and that is sad.... she now is kind of  a friend when she has time but still the only interest is going out just the two of us.. I want a friend that our famlies can do fun stuff together not just go to bars and stuff.  

Answer 9

Why don't you invite her round for coffee or something, where you can still keep an eye on your child? That way, your not using gas, not paying for dinner- all you need to do is give her a mug, sit on your sofas and talk. To be honest she doesn't sound that nice anyway- 'doesn't want to speak to you at all?' How old IS she?

Also, it will get a LOT easier as your child grows up. I met my best friend because we sent our kids to the same playgroup, and they became best friends, and that was about 12 years ago. Honestly, it will get easier to make time to see her, but for now you could just say you've been busy, say you can't get in a babysitter and it's hard for you. if she is a friend then she should understand.

Good luck.

Answer 10

I think you should just send her a link to this question in response. She's being extremely selfish and insensitive. I can completely relate to your situation. I'm a single mom too and I have NO social life. It's not like we like it that way- we have no choice and our kids come first. I'd love to be able to go out but I can't, I'm sure you feel the same way. She needs to be more empathetic and if she can't then she wasn't ever a real friend in the first place. Sorry you have to deal with that- like you don't have enough on your plate in the first place! Best of luck. =]

Answer 11

For starters - if she is your friend, then an ultamatium such as this wouldn't even come up.  Consider how close you really are.  

If you think there is something to salvage - ask her to come over to your house for coffee, seeing as she can go where ever she wants when ever she wants, it shouldn't be a problem.

I remember when I had my first son, I  I was alot like you, didn't have a lot of time or money to go places and do things. It was tough but I learned very quickly who my real friends are.  I still have friends, but only those who stuck it out with me I consider "worth my time" - Oh I know that sounds harsh, but life is too short to fill your life with people who do not value you enough to respect your situation and try to make it work - even if it means only through emails.

Answer 12

I have no friends, even friends with other kids have kind of been flushed down the drain.  I have mutual friends with my husband, like the one who kept him out drinking till 5 in the freaking morning last week.  None that are just mine though, it sucks and I feel invisible.

I agree with Alyssa, and that was going to be my suggestion to you as well, turn it back on her, I wouldn't even explain your situation, why does she need to know, she most likely wouldn't understand anyway, and just let her know that you will take her up on her offer of not speaking any longer.  You don't need people who are purposely trying to make this harder for you.

Answer 13

I would be really upset about that too! I would respond back to her, explaining your situation (if she doesn't already know) and say you know, I don't really want to have a friend who would say something to me like that anyways, so thanks for making one thing easier today!

Answer 14

I agree with Allyssa.

If she isn't kind enough to even try to understand the situation that you are in, then she shouldn't be a part of your life, yet a lone your babys!  

Answer 15

My daughter isn't here yet (due September 2nd) but my friends and family members with children are busier than usual (before baby) but still do a good job of keeping in touch.  Granted, only one of them is single, so that may make it easier to balance friendship and the child's needs.

I think your friend was out of line.  I have a few friends who I only keep in touch with through email and I see nothing wrong with that.  If your friend's schedule is so flexible, why doesn't she come see you and talk in person?  It sounds a lot easier for her to do it than for you.

Answer 16

I don't believe a friend would say that. Call her an acquaintance and get on with your life. Babies are hard work.